Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!!

In honor of one of my favorite holidays, let's check out some of the more tasteless and tacky costumes ever...although I find a few of them rather hysterical.  But then again I'm pretty tacky and tasteless myself.

Ron Jeremy, is that you?!?!

And who knew men could get camel toe? Ya learn something new every day.  Even if you don't want to.   *Shudder*

Great example you're setting for your kid there, Mom and Dad, letting him go out like that.  I suppose you even filled him in on the 72 virgins, huh?

 "Should I be a ninja this year, or a maxi pad/tampon combo....hmmm.....OH WAIT!  I can be both!"
I gotta say, though, those cottony nunchucks probably won't be slaying any enemies.

Gettin' some from a mutated Chuckie doll.  Now that's what I call fun on the high seas.

I'm probably a freak, but I kinda like this one.

"That's my baby?!?!! Put it back in, put it back in!!"
Damn uncomfortable costume for a party.
And speaking of uncomfortable:

This makes me very uncomfortable just looking at it.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Head Banger

A guy I worked with seemed like the most normal, average, every day kind of guy. EXCEPT when something did not go as planned. Then we would find him in the bathroom banging his head on the tiled wall (HARD) and muttering derogatory things about himelf such as idiot, moron, dummy. No one knew quite what to do about this, or how to approach him on it, until I took it upon myself at the Holiday Party...

Spouses were invited, so after I had imbibed in what was probably too many holiday spirits, I approached the head-bangers wife. I asked her "Does Tom bang his head on the wall at home, too, when something doesn't go his way?". I guess he didn't, because she looked shocked and horrifed, excused herself, grabbed him and headed out the door.

I don't know what his wife said or did, but the banging stopped.

That's actually kinda.....sad.

But anyway, SamWho?, don't you feel a wee bit guilty about the scene that must have gone down in their house after they left? Way to go spreading that holiday cheer.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sh*t Rolls Downhill….

I am glad to be here so you guys can get out what's bothering you and vent about your work situation.  In this way, I feel like I'm giving something back.  Or some other bullsh*t like that.

Someone has some major anger simmering:

Sh*t rolls downhill….

Slimy business ethics !! (so what else is new).

Managers who develop and implement procedures and policies that they don’t support and know don’t work.

Supervisors who perpetuate the bullsh*t by telling their subordinates to carry out procedures that do not exist or don’t work.

The QA process in the data input area of this well known NY based market research firm are worthless.

If I try to address the QA problems I’m told I am taking too long to do things.

If I don’t find all the problems with the input data, I get beat up.

I feel like I’m playing musical chairs and when the music stops guess who will be left standing.

Their customers are getting screwed..
Just to let you know, 2old4thisshit, you're taking too long carrying out procedures that don't exist, therefore I must now beat you up as you're left without a chair when the music stops.

Good luck with that.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Blue In The Face

My boss had his 80+ year old mother-in-law working for him as an accounts payable employee. That way he wouldn't have to just give her money to live on as she had no income. Her desk was in his office which was upstairs from mine, and one day he called my name very loudly and I ran up the stairs. He was talking to his wife on his cell phone. Without hanging up from his wife he pointed to his mother-in-law and said to me, "Would you mind giving her the Heimlich manuever, she can't breathe." He then turned away from us as if we were bothering him and continued his conversation. I left his employ not long after that when he had me plunge the toilet that his elderly father had stopped up as soon as he got to the office!

Ah, there's nothing like working with family! You can feel all the love and caring. 

And all the waiting for the inheritance.

Glad you know the Heimlich, AltaG!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Crap In A Cart

Now, y'all have to stop begging me to tell you the vile story I alluded to yesterday.  Really, all this groveling is becoming a little undignified.  But I do have to give you guys credit for perseverence.

Anyway, at this point I couldn't post it even if I wanted to because once I read it I trashed, deleted, burned and annihilated it from my computer, and then bleached my brain to eliminate it from my memory as well.

Now on to today's insanity:

This story isn't about a coworker, but it IS about something that would happen at my workplace. 

At the supermarket where I work, every few nights or so someone (or someones, I guess)  would put shoeboxes into many of the shopping carts when the store was closed.  The next day the customers would grab a cart, see the box and be curious.  Inside each and every box would be a load of crap.  And I am not being figurative here, I mean poop. 

 When the police got involved, the pooper stopped, or maybe just found another store to leave his 'gifts' for shoppers.
He/she must have a shoe collection to top Imelda's just for the boxes for this special hobby.

The part that I find craziest about all this:  who has the TIME to do something like this?  It seems it would take some coordination, and a whole lotta prunes.

Hey, JasonT., thanks for this crap!

Monday, October 26, 2009

All In Good Taste

I received a submission that is so vile, so nasty, so incomprehensible and illegal, I can't in good taste post it.  But I wanted to send out a thank you anyway to TomaytoTomahto for sending it in and for the nightmares it will cause me for years to come.

Good taste?  Moi?  Yeah, I know, it shocked me too.

And I know you're all hating me right now.  I'm like that friend that tells you they have a big, juicy secret and then won't spill it. 

Anyway, on to today's regularly scheduled craziness:

I work with an older woman who is kinda old school.  No matter how many times we tell her that stamps have adhesive already on them these days, she still peels them off and licks them before putting them on the envelope.  She also won't use a phone without a cord because she "doesn't believe in them" and she is afraid of the microwave.  She thinks that some kind of waves are being sent out from it and they are gradually cooking her internal organs every time someone uses it.

Hmmm, come to think of it, your office does smell sorta like liver and onions being cooked.  Without the onions.

Enjoy your microwave popcorn while you slowly kill your coworker, HarryP!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sunday Silliness

I LOVE drunk people!  Quite possibly because I am one of them as much as is humanly possible...but still, I've never done this (and I wouldn't tell ya, anyway,  even if I had):

By the way, too much alcohol is just fine.  Be a fool.  And record it and send it to me.


And for anyone who has an extra four minutes, here's the longer, unedited version, which I totally believe is worth the extra time:

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Miss Buttcrack

I work as a pageant coach, which means that rich people hire me to turn their nasty little brats into beauty queens. I have a list for you of some of the fabulous job moments I have encountered:

One young lady asked me to punch her in the nose so insurance would cover a nose job.  She didn't think she could win any titles with the perfectly fine nose she already had on her face.
Another one made me feel her breast implants to see if I thought they felt real.  I told her they most certainly did.  I was lying.

One brilliant girl was going to use bleach as a mouthwash to whiten her teeth.  Luckily I caught her before she burned and posioned herself.

One set of parents were so convinced their daughter could sing when in reality she sounded like a dying screech owl.  I tried to gently steer them away from the idea of singing as her talent, but they would have none of it.  They blamed me and bad mouthed me within the pageant circuit when darling daughter bombed in her talent portion.

One Miss America hopeful thought she was above everyone else after she won Miss Buttcrack or Miss Fruitcake or one of the other millions of meaningless pageants.  After that, I was only allowed to speak to her when spoken to.  If I spoke first, she called her parents to have them ream me out. 

I have vaselined teeth, Preparation H-ed eye bags, put makeup that has the consistency of spackle all over contestants legs, and glued bathing suits to butts.

The money is good, so I put up with it.
Now I have to go spackle my butt, vaseline my eyes, Preparation H my teeth and glue my legs to a bathing suit. Wait, do I have that wrong?

A big pageant wave to PageantPrepper!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Little Toot

At the clothing store where I work, we have a counter with five cash registers.  When it gets busy, there are a bunch of us behind these cash registers checking people out.  One of my coworkers, I will call her Olive Odor, has a farting problem.  But she doesn't see it as a problem.  She thinks it's cute to let one go where ever and whenever the need strikes. So as we're ringing up purchases, suddenly a cloud of noxious gas will enevelop all of us and Olive will giggle and say "Oooh, a little toot!"  I don't know what the hell she eats, but the by product is vile.  You can even see customers wrinkling up their noses in disgust.

And don't EVER get caught in the dressing room or any small enclosed space with her.  You may not make it out alive.

Wow, that Olive is a gas! (you knew that was coming, didn't ya?)

A fabulously fashionable gas mask is on it's way to Disgruntled23!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Belly Graham

Remember Victor from yesterday?  Well, there's more...

 On my 50th birthday, my best friend schemed with my partner to set up a surprise 'Belly Gram' during the work day. Apparently this bit of info was circulating among all the employees for a week and I never got a hint of it. On the day, they got me into the conference room for a short meeting and when I came out there was a sexy belly dancer dancing away to Arabic music. She had arrived while I was in the 'meeting', changed her clothes in one of our darkrooms and brought her own tape player. It was a great surprise and was topped off by a cake from a porn bakery in the shape of large boobs. 
After the whole show was over, Victor came to me and said he had misunderstood what was circulating about my birthday.
Victor, a born again Christian, actually thought Billy Graham was coming for my birthday and he had brought his bible in to get his autograph. I was much happier to have the Belly Gram.
And I am sure even happier that it wasn't a Billy Graham Belly Gram.

Thanks again, Bob!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Perfectionist Defectionist

My employee Victor was an Olympic athlete that escaped from the Hungarian Olympic team in France, joined the Foreign Legion, went AWOL and somehow got into the US.  He was a stripper (unfortunately, not the naked kind -  the photography kind). It's a very stressful and precise job.  One day Victor was having a few problems and things were not going as smoothly as usual. Nothing serious, but Victor was a perfectionist and he got very upset when he wasn't perfect.
Victor was a born again fundamentalist who believed God controlled everything. When things didn't go perfectly, he of course felt God had a hand in it. So one day, after a couple of minor errors, which required him to do something over, he looked up at the ceiling and shook his fist at God and said "If you think this is so easy I'd like to see you come down here and do it."
He was such a literal believer that he blamed God for everything that went wrong. One morning he choked on a jelly donut and he chastised God for the rest of the day. He always lived in an apartment that his friends rented. He owned two pairs of socks and two pairs of underwear and washed them out every night. That's not an exaggeration, it's actually true. He wore warm up type athletic clothes every day and he was a very fit athlete.
 We sometimes needed to do alterations on the photos with chemicals and we provided blue lab coats to protect employee's clothing. Well, Victor fell in love with the lab coat concept and wore his every day over his athletic gear.  Victor would always go out during his lunch hour wearing the lab coat to either take a walk, or do some sunbathing. One day he decided to go into an open area in the parking lot and lay down for a short nap and get some sunbathing in.
You can guess. Some passerby saw him stretched out and thought he was dead. They called the police and when my partner and I returned from lunch we saw police cars and an ambulance trying to aid him.
Another time he was standing in his lab coat outside our building, holding a cup of coffee.
Yes, you probably guessed it again, someone mistook him for a homeless person and dropped a quarter into his coffee.

So what I want to know is, DID God come on down and help? 

And where can I get one of these awesome lab coats?   But I'd prefer dollars to quarters - thanks.

Good story, Bob!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

News Producer Loses His Mind (And, I Would Assume, His Job)

NSFW - there's quite a bit of profanity.  My favorite being "dumb b*tch".  Heh.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunday Funnies

Ah, typos.  Love those suckers.

I wish I could take a picture of the visual image this creates in  my brain, but you'll just have to use your imaginations...

I have heard communal hot tubs are a germ breeding ground, but this is overstating it a bit, no?

Damn, that's expensive, especially when I can just make my own at home.

That's great that his fellow attorneys are willing to, uh, 'help' him out by getting into his legal briefs.

This word is for when you want to say immediately and permanently at the same time yet need to economize on letters.  Genius!

Unfortunately, you have drive a bit further to find a toad that IS through.  Through with what though, is the real question.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Hitting The Target

When I worked at Target, a fellow cashier was pretty nutty.  She would loudly comment on every single item people were purchasing.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  THING.  It's okay to talk about one or two things, but she would have something to say about everything from bicycles to gum.  So a typical check out event for her went something like this:

"Great book!  Do you read a lot? Whitening toothpaste!  Your teeth don't seem yellow to me! Gum!  I love that flavor!  Nice eyeshadow, do you think that would look good on me?  Pretzels! Boy, I'm hungry!  A DVD player!  Whatcha gonna watch?  Gloves!  It's chilly out there!  Mouthwash - someone wants minty fresh breath!"

This was annoying as all heck, but she didn't even sensor herself when it came to, shall we say, personal or intimate products:

"Tampons!  Guess someone has their monthly visitor!  Preparation H!  Ouch, does it hurt to sit?  Lacy bra- sexy, sexy!  Condoms!  Someone's gonna get lucky!!  KY Jelly - the slipperier the better, eh?"

Management reapeatedly warned her to stop, but it was almost as if she couldn't.  So they had to let her go.

Oh boy. I can only hope her next job was not at a doctor's office.

"Wow, that growth is huge!  I can hardly look at you!  So you have an STD? How'd you get it?  You're getting psych drugs - why, are you crazy?  What's that thing on your face? Can I touch it?"

Thanks, Frances, for letting us check this one out.  *groan*

Friday, October 16, 2009

You Gotta Monsta!

This guy I work with likes to frequent full service massage parlors. On his last visit, he told me that he undressed and the woman screamed "Oh my, you gotta  monsta!" I am assuming that he is packing some heat.

Another time, he told me that he had gone to a strip club over the weekend and ended up waking up in his bed, missing his pants and his credit card. Someone had charged over $400 to it. His car was still at the strip club the next day and he does not remember leaving the bar. By the way, he lives with his parents and sister. His pants turned up in the computer room, but he never found his card or the missing funds. How does this happen?

Indeed, how DOES this happen?  You will have to interrogate this guy, find out for all of us and report back.  That is your mission, if you should choose to accept it (a little Mission Impossible reference there).

Am I to understand that somewhere between the strip club and arriving at his parents home pantless, he stopped at the compter room at work?  You really have to admire a hard-core work ethic such as that.

Thanks for your monsta entry, SureShot!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Lazy and Crazy

For three years I worked in a project where we met with people from other parts of the country regularly. One of those – a man – was particularly lazy. At meetings he would go on-and-on-and-on about things he had done in the past, and how everybody else should do things. All this was done in a very aggressive manner. The problem was that some of us knew his former colleagues, and they all told stories about his aggressive behaviour, laziness and not getting work done! Whenever a deadline was approaching he had developed the bad habit of calling me, asking for a copy of my work, and then he would just change the names and dates as necessary. Fortunately everybody knew this – thanks to me ;-) As another colleague put it: To him a deadline was an infinite list of new time limits!

and very loudly accused me of deliberately making an error in 'his' part of the report. I said that I did not do that, and I just copied the work he sent me into the report. He then accused me of lying. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just got so mad that I completely lost my temper.
After three years of work everybody had had it with him. At the very last meeting we were showing each other the results, among other things I had been responsible for a report and the guy had sent some information to include (of course he had somebody else do it, he just forwarded it by e-mail). Then he suddenly

I shouted that I was fed up with three years of lazy, aggressive behaviour, that he had done NOTHING to contribute positively to this project, and that if I ever had to work with him again, I would go mental. He got totally white and shouted to the chairman to stop me. The chairman smiled at him and said “NO! She has got the right to tell you this!” In the end I had told him off, leaving several much older meeting participants stunned, but everybody agreed with me. Not until after the meeting I remembered that my boss was there. He gave me a hug, looked at me, and said: “Finally you got that off your chest. Well done!” The lazy colleague never spoke to me again, and all I have ever heard of him since is that he is having difficulty holding on to a job, since no finished work ever leaves his office.
So you REALLY didn't make a mistake on his part of the report on purpose?  C'mon, you can tell us, we'll keep your secret! Heh.

A lazy, yet aggressive, thank you to My Sharp Tongue for this one!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Helpful Hints

I have gotten quite a few submissions from people who work in the fast food industry.  They have taught me exactly what I should and should not do in order to gain employment and be a stellar employee at one of these establishments.  I will let you in on the tips I have gleaned, just because I enjoy being generous and helping others.  Heh.

1.  Make sure to never wash your hands, hair or armpits.  The worse the you smell, the better.

2.  Have insanely bad bathroom habits.  Do not flush, nor wash up after.

3.   Pick your pimples, ears  or nose, preferably all three, at any given opportunity.

4.  Carry a plastic kiddie lunch box with a lunch your mother has made for you, even if you are a full fledged adult.

4.  Have  a loooong resume, the longer the better.  Ten pages should just about do it.  Make sure that you have outlined your inability to hold a job for longer than two months.

5.   Dress to impress for your interview.  For example, a holey white T-shirt and a skirt or pants that are way too tight should do the trick.

6.   Wear those same clothes you got hired in every day.

7.   Never cover your sneezes or coughs.  This is important, as mucus adds flavor.

8.   Pick you fingernails and let the pieces fall into the salad bar.  A little crunch is always appealing in a salad.  Who needs croutons?

9.   Braces, lisps, or any other speech impediments that cause you to spit as you talk is a bonus.

10.  Lick all food products before they are given to the customer.  This is simply good customer service.

Thanks to Badguy, Cheex17, SomeNewlyMarriedWife, AngieP. and YesChef! for their contributions to my future employment.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Didn't Click With The Clique

The retail store where I work has a bunch of female employees, and we all get along together well and hang out outside of work. A new woman got hired at what I will call P.C. Jenny's (no one's EVER gonna figure that one out, LuLuTwo!) and was desperate to join our group. Now, we are a friendly group, so her fitting in shouldn't have been a problem, but she was a kook. She smelled, was dirty, and stared at people until they became uncomfortable (good hiring choice there, P.C. Jenny's!). One day, in order to fit in, she played a prank on us. I guess she thought we'd all think it was funny and suddenly embrace her and her smelly weirdness. But the prank was far from amusing. Her shift was over a full two hours before closing, and she left to go home. Or so we thought. After we had closed up our registers and had gathered where we typically met every night to shoot the bull, she came popping out of the middle of one of the nearby circular clothes racks screaming. And then laughing hysterically. We all ran and someone hit the panic button. The police came, and they arrested her for causing a false alarm or something like that. We never saw her again.

Imagine, she stayed crouched down in a rack for TWO HOURS to carry this out!

Wow, see what you could have avoided if only you hadn't been so clique-ish? Hmmm? Let this be a lesson to you. Weirdos and freaks need friends too.

But don't any of you nutballs take this as an open invitation.  I have enough friends. Note, I said a lesson to YOU, not a lesson to ME.

That was a clothes call, LuluTwo!  Heh.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Pants-less Romanians

I work at a restaurant and we had employees come from Romania for a college/work visa for the summer. I offered to take them home one night; they thought it would be hilarious to strip down to their tighty whities and get in my car in just that and their aprons & bow ties. Hysterical as it was, I pretended to be scarred for life.
You could have dropped them off at a Chippendales (do those even exist anymore?!) and made a bundle off of  these dudes. 

And by the way, how exactly did you offer to 'take them home'?  Maybe it got lost in translation, and they took it to mean YOUR home and just wanted to get themselves ready for the, um, fun.

Thank you, Anonymous (ya know, there are a heck of a lotta people named that)!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sunday Silliness

Warning Labels. 

You gotta wonder what the incident was that prompted these:

I'm glad they included the diagram. 

No people in the washer?  How am I ever gonna wash my kids then?

The detached fingers just tell the story, don't they?

Doesn't it say apple on it somewhere?  'Cause you can eat apples so I see how this might happen.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Shrimp Tales

The owner of the restaurant where I waitress is CHEAP. I will outline some of her cost cutting methods:

The spray bottles that we use to disinfect tables and other surfaces are not filled with cleaning product, but rather, water.

If any rolls are uneaten in bread baskets, they just go back to the kitchen to have a few new rolls thrown on top. Once a customer found shrimp tails in the bottom of their basket.

Salsa or any sort of dip left in dishes just gets thrown in a communal pot to use again. Same with lettuce for salads.

The soap in the bathrooms is usually diluted to about 75% water. And that's the soap we use too before preparing your food.

If the cloth napkins LOOK clean, she will fold them up to be reused. That's why our napkins are black; it hides stains better.

Free shrimp tails and a side of salmonella with every entree!  What more can ya ask for?

Hey, Brit, here's a tip - don't eat at your own place of work!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Pulverized Pussy

I am a landscaper.  One time my coworker and I were cutting a lawn with our big ride-on mowers that pretty much shred everything in their path.  Our client, Mirna, had this big, fat, black and white cat named Max. I don't know if Max was sick or what, but he was lying in the middle of the lawn the whole time we were mowing and seemed to have no inclination to move.

The guy I was working with, who was pretty much stoned for 24 hours a day, didn't see Max.  And ran him over with the mower.  Max became, well, basically confetti.

Holy crap!! That is AWFUL!  I hope you got the woman a new pussy since you destroyed her old one...

Thanks, Sean, you're the cat's meow!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Pissin' My Pants

Karl and Harry were my friends that I worked with.  Harry weighed about 400 lbs, more at times. After a summer in the sun he would pull up his shirt and pick up his breasts, which were huge, and show us the white tan lines beneath them. He also came back from the men's room one time with his pants all wet in the front. Karl, his friend, brought this to his attention and Harry said "I thought I had 'it' out". No! 'It' was still in!  He could not see 'it' without a mirror under his belly!

This raises all sorts of questions that I really don't want to think about, but I will anyway...

Like what else might be accumulating under his moobs.  And how his hygiene plays out with - ahem - 'it'.  I mean he can't even SEE the damn thing.  And 'marital relations', what about th... *heave*  I gotta stop.  I just can't possibly go on.

Thanks to Ed for making me unable to eat my lunch!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dilbert Quotes

Thanks to the anonymous person who sent me this email:

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America :

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

How do I get a job at 3M?  I am REALLY good at doing nothing for several weeks at a time.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Banana Split

This woman I worked with was a little odd. She had a habit of saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Anyway, the absolute weirdest thing she ever did was when we were all sitting around a conference table having lunch. She grabbed a banana and said "Watch this, I can totally deep throat this banana!" So she did.

Which made her gag.

And then puke all over the table.
So were the men impressed with this?  Takes more than some barf to turn off most of the guys I know!

Thanks to Eliot for regurgitating this one for us!

Monday, October 5, 2009

A Royal Flush

Ok, this really isn't a crazy person I worked WITH; but rather, worked FOR.

When I was attending college the perfect job for me was to be a live-in housekeeper.  I worked during the day, took classes at night, and got to live pretty close to campus.  Perfect, except for the man whose house it was...

He took the definition of housekeeping to the absolute extreme.  For example, he didn't even flush the toilet when he was done in the bathroom.  He would come out and say "Izzy, can you tidy up in there?" which meant entering the stinky room, flushing for him and quite often erasing his skid marks left in the bowl.  Or if he had only urinated, he would never even bother to aim near the bowl and would send me in to wipe up when he was done.  I put up with it until the day he told me he wanted to sleep with me.  I told him no, and his reply was "I pay you to do what I ask!"  I said housekeeper does not equal prostitute, and quit.  When the wife found out I had quit, she tried to stop me while I was packing up my belongings.  She told me how hard it is to get a good housekeeper, and she would double my salary if I would stay and be a housekeeper/hooker.  I packed faster and got the heck out of there.

Did you wear the good old sexy maid costume?  Maybe that's where he got the housekeeper = hooker idea from.

Or maybe he was just a big fat douchebag.  I'm going with that one.

A big shout out to our hooker friend Izzy (I'm just kiddin')!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sunday Funnies

Seems that creepy album covers from a few weeks ago was a big hit, so here's some more:

What exactly is this guy telling Julie?  "Yessiree, sixteen is the age of consent in these here parts, let's grab us a bottle of Jim Beam and head on back to my shack in the woods to celebrate..."

Right in front of you.

'I Eat Kids' was his most popular tune, but I still love 'Shut Up or I Will Torture You in My Dungeon, Little Boy'  and 'If You Don't Stop Crying, Kid, I Will Kill Your Whole Family'.

Um, no thanks.

I find ventriloquist dummies horrifying to no end.  Marionettes too.  Basically anything wooden approximating a human being.  But enough of my fears and phobias...

Who is singing on this album, her or 'him'?  And I guess a duet is out of the question, huh?

REALLY?!?!  More freakin' dummies?  And these two appear to be very much in new meaning to having a woody, doesn't it?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Meat Me In The Back Room...

My cousin Jim used to work for a butcher who would service his female clients in a back room. The odd thing was that the butcher would wash out the used condom, dry it and then power it up for the next client he would entertain. Don't know how many uses he got from each one.

Wow, that must have been one sexy den of seduction in that back room...nothing revs up desire like hanging carcasses and slabs of meat.

But I am glad to see how ecologically concious the butcher is - you know, reuse and recycle and all that.

A big thank you to Ed for this meaty little gem!

Friday, October 2, 2009

Is That For Here Or To Go?

I feel the need to write this one in the approximation of a New Yawk accent (and hey, if I'm offending anyone, I am actually originally from there, so a big bronx cheer to you).

I work inna pizza place in New York City.  Trust me, every food establishment in da city has either rats or cockroaches, quite possibly both.  We had traps all over outta da view udda customers, but we hadda stubborn rat that would nevah get himself caught.  One day, for whatevah reason, maybe he liked da pizza, I dunno, but he climbed inna one of the ovens, tru the back I guess.  We found him cooked on toppa a pizza. 

We sold da pizza anyway.

Okay, I'll have a pizza with, let's see...mushrooms, sausage and oh, yeah, if you could add a few rat hairs for texture, that would be great.

Thanks to Guido (see why I had to write it like I did? his name compelled me to)!

Thursday, October 1, 2009


My coworker was leaving the shoe store where I work in a week's time.  She hated our customers; they were mostly very rude and demanding.  Her form of revenge:  she put chewed gum into the toes of shoes that were most likely to be tried on (the most popular styles, and 7 1/2 to 8 1/2 are the most common sizes in case ya didn't know).  It was pretty disgusting; people freaked out when they pulled their foot out with a great big wad of gum attached.  She had to 'fess up so none of the rest of us would get in trouble, but she didn't care since she had quit anyway.

I guess she wasn't worried about getting a good reference...

I'm going to depart from my usual snark and bitchiness for an educational interlude:

According to The Word Detective, the term gumshoe came to mean detective because:

It turns out that the original "gumshoes" of the late 1800's were shoes or boots made of gum rubber, the soft-soled precursors of our modern sneakers... At the turn of the century "to gumshoe" meant to sneak around quietly as if wearing gumshoes, either in order to rob or, conversely, to catch thieves. "Gumshoe man" was originally slang for a thief, but by about 1908 "gumshoe" usually meant a police detective, as it has ever since.

Who ever thought you'd actually LEARN something by coming here?  Certainly not me! We will return tomorrow with the usual snark.  I can only be intellectual for so long.

Thanks to Terri!