Sunday Funday

Some of the strangest personal ads ever.  I am really loving these!

There is just so much here that is, well, astounding, that I am frankly overwhelmed.  Although really, aren't we all looking for a blue-balled carnie?

Well, this one isn't looking for love (or someone to poop on their face - ah, the romance makes me misty eyed!), but if you're in the market for a rancid partial turkey (Both drumsticks! Bargain!), I think $23.00 is a good deal.

"Get me a woman! Any woman!  From legal adult to nearing death! Whatever you've got will do..."

It just occurred to me - sir, have you heard about the 8 day old turkey that's available?

Kind of clever. But when you read it the way she would like you to, that good reputation part goes right out the window.

PIG. That title just gets right to the point, no? Wonder if he called?

The Mensa Invitational - Part Deux

For those of you who enjoyed Tuesday's post, here's another in a similar vein:

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are: (we are so in need of a drumroll here)

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time to celebrate when the Pilgrims and Native Americans joined together to share a bountiful feast and enjoy the companionship of each other.

And the next day returned to swindling the other out of their native land (Pilgrims, of course) and collecting scalps to decorate their teepees with (Native Americans, duh).

Anyhow, this is amusing if you've got a spare minute while your turkey is roasting:

Wacky Web Tales - My Amazing Thanksgiving

Turkey En Flambé

'Tis the day before Thanksgiving, so I figured a crazy Turkey Day story is in order:

This year we were running late because I had forgotten a special bottle of wine I wanted to share and we'd gone back home to get it. Dinner was supposed to be served at 4:00 and we finally arrived at 3:30. As we walked down the path to their front door, we were greeted by my sister in law yelling, "Gang way - watch out - coming through" and out of the front door she ran with a pot of heavily smoking artichokes. Little did we know what was in store. As we walked in the kitchen, we noticed on the table a completely uncooked totally raw - turkey. (Remember dinner was supposed to be ready in a half an hour?) "Oh don't worry," they said, "we're barbecuing the turkey and it only takes 45 minutes." Except the barbecue hadn't been started yet.


It seems they were just getting to that when they discovered that the briquettes were wet. So rather than going to the store and getting new ones they decided that they had a solution to getting those wet briquettes to ignite -- gasoline! So, just imagine, if you will, a wooden porch with overhanging pine trees. Yeah. After a dose of gasoline, they were right -- the briquettes did light -- shooting three-foot high flames onto the eves of the wooden house. So they put the lid on the Weber and proceeded to wrap the turkey in aluminum foil. "Don't worry, this is how we had planned on cooking it anyway."

Finally as it was getting dark, they were ready to put the turkey on the grill. Quickly they opened the lid. The column of flame shot up anew and they literally threw the turkey on the grill and slammed the lid down. After a few minutes we saw seriously angry flames shooting out of every air hole in the barbecue. Some were leaking out between the top and bottom of the Weber. The fat in the turkey had reached flash point and it was burning out of control. About 30 minutes (and several glasses of wine) later, it was decided that the turkey was probably done cooking and we should probably take it off the grill. A roof high column of flame shot up as they took off the lid. OK, so how do we get the turkey off the grill with all those flames? Using a fireplace poker, the turkey was pushed of the grill where it landed on the wooden deck, still burning furiously. The fat of the turkey and the foil were one as it kept right on burning.


By now there was talk of calling the fire department. But rather than do that, it was decided that someone needed to "put the turkey (fire) out." Of course, using a fire extinguisher would wreck the turkey (like it wasn't ruined already?) so my father-in-law and my nephews grabbed the first thing at hand -- bathroom sized dixie cups -- and began to "spoosh" the flames out. After a few minutes (and a bit more wine) it was finally out. Now, I don't know who decided it was still edible -- but as was family tradition my father-in-law carved and served that turkey - crispy on the outside and raw on the inside -- and we ate stuffing and burnt artichokes while we enjoyed taking pictures of the inedible bird. -- Karen Frank, Pleasant Hill, CA

Thanks to Holidash  for this, ahem, turkey.

The Mensa Invitational

Nothing to do with co-workers, but it's funny!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Yo, Taxi!

I am a cabbie in NYC.  One of my fellow cabbies is a born and bred New York Italian guy.  But because his hair and complexion are so dark, he gets mistaken for being from the Middle East all the time.  He decided to use this to his advantage.  When people he obviously spots as tourists or foreigners (he knows not to try it on the natives) get into his cab, he pretends to speak limited English.  By acting like he doesn't understand his passengers, he winds up taking long routes and going totally out of his way to their destination, thereby jacking up the meter.

He says it works best with people from the Midwest; they are afraid to complain and actually tip him MORE because they feel bad for the poor non-fluent immigrant.

Anyone going to visit NYC, watch out for the cabbie with the Middle Eastern accent that has a distinct underlying native New Yawk twang. 

Yo, BillyBoyo, thanks!!

Sunday Silliness

I always like to see before and after pictures, that way I can know what results to expect after using the product:

Same shirt, same necklace - it's got be her!  I need a truckload of this stuff...

Please, for the love of God, let him exhale before his head explodes...

and it looks like they let her exhale a little too soon. 

Who knew having clean teeth could age you so much?

And the magic is that they gave you someone else's dog! Tada!