Pull Harder!!

I work in a nursing home and I'd have to say the worst person to work with there is this one CNA (nurse aide) who thinks she is perfect. I'll call her Sue. She's even worse when there are new people around. No one can put the can liner in better than her, make the beds better than her, brush their teeth better than her and so on.

One day I was training a new CNA when my favorite CNA, Sue, was coming onto shift. Right there is front of the new CNA she chewed me out for improper peri-care (cleaning the "private" areas) on a male resident from the day before.

The new CNA was terrified of cranky Sue as I just stood there and listened to her diatribe of how I didn't clean the resident properly. I didn't pull the foreskin back down after cleaning him and now it is stuck and she had to go report it to the nurse because she couldn't pull his foreskin down over the tip of his penis. She spent about a half hour trying to pull it down and then spent time on each round and I had totally ruined the guy and he would need surgery.

I let her finish and told her sorry, crap happens. Gave report and left.

As we got to the break room I started laughing and explained to the new girl (and the oncoming nurse) that the man is circumcised. He doesn't have any foreskin to pull down. But I'm sure he totally loved the peri-care the night before that he got from Sue.

The new CNA learned quickly that no one is as good as Sue.

Oh my.  The image I have of a nurse's aid yanking on an old guy's non-existent foreskin is just...well....uncomfortable.

Poor guy.

This one was a cut above, whoever you are and didn't leave a name!  Thanks!!

Scoop The Poop

I work in the maintenance department of a state park.  The park is very popular with dog walkers, and there are signs all over about scooping your dog's poop.  BUT.....so many people do not bother.  So it totally sucks for us, the people who have to clean it up, but also for the hikers and playing children who step in (or roll on, in the case of the children) a fecal landmine.  We see people all the time, standing there while their dog poops, and then nonchalantly walking away like the rest of the world are their servants and they are too good to clean up after themselves.  You can only imagine how mad we get...

So mad that when one day my co-worker saw this happening though an office window, he ran outside, picked up the fresh poop with his BARE HANDS and hurled it at the dog owner while screaming "Pick up after your dog, you pig!"  The poo hit the guy square in the back, streaking down the back of his jacket as it slid off. 

Good thing the guy was more embarrassed about breaking  the Pooper Scooper Law than angry and just rushed to his car and took off without reporting anyone.

Ew, did he just get in his car and lean back on the seat in his caca coat?

By the way, while we are on this subject, I hate when people don't clean up after their dog.  There is a woman who walks all the way from her house about a quarter of a mile away to the street where I live, where she lets her two dogs poop freely without a baggie or scooper in sight.  On people's lawns.  Where kids play.  And I fall down when I've had a few too many.

Anyway, lady, I have my eye on you, and next time I see you, the poo will be flying.  Beware, I have VERY good aim.

Your job kinda stinks, doesn't it, RandyHanson?

Richard Bastard

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.


The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

FYI:  Snopes - Rich Bastard

Too bad they didn't have a customer actually named Richard Bastard.  Coulda covered their asses with him.

Superbowl Sunday Silliness

In honor of a big day for (American) football:

AHHHHHH!!  His head must still be in the helmet!!

Seriously, you couldn't pay me enough to do this...

Well, I don't think so anyway.  Make an offer and we'll see.

Let's leave these two alone for some privacy, shall we?

Moving on...

You need to be in great physical shape to be an athlete.

Or maybe not.

Punting the balls.

Spritz Ditz

I work at a high end department store.  Do you know those annoying women who stand around and try to spray you with perfume?  Well, the one at our store was a very nervous young girl.  She would stammer and stutter when asking to spray people, and when she would finally get one to agree, she would be so rattled that she would never check to see which way the spray nozzle was pointing.  She'd just grab her bottle and spray away.  This resulted in people who never agreed to being sprayed getting it from two feet away, pissing them off royally.  The fancy dress section she stood next to got such a good dosing that at lot of the clothes had droplet marks on them from the perfume and reeked of it - not good for sales.  The final straw was when she raised her spray bottle from hell and sprayed a woman - right in her left eye.

What's the problem with that?  Who doesn't want a fragrant eyeball?  The burning subsides eventually, and the resulting scent can be quite lovely.

WGASA

Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.


They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a sh*t anyhow?"

I came across this one and thought "Nah, can't be true."  But Snopes says it's true! Yay!

What sort of employee answers a memo with "Who gives a sh*t?"  Probably one that wants to get fired.  Instead of fired, though, he became the employee that named a monorail after poop. 

But then again, WGASA.

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008


A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.


Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.


The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.


The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees.  I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this.  "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."

*gag*