Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

St. Patrick's Day is my favorite holiday. So everyone go out and have plenty of green beer and some corned beef and cabbage (although that is an American tradition, not Irish, but that's ok).

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Sunday Funday

Well, maybe not Funday, maybe more like Creepyday.  What follows are some vintage Valentine's Day cards. Some plain weird, and others downright horrifying. (Yeah, I'm a week late.  It happens.)

Yeah, screw you, there's plenty more fish in the sea.  Oh yeah, and be my Valentine, will ya?

Are you sure they didn't mean pork instead of pig?

I don't know what this says, but I find the rabbit terrifying. 

And the bestiality theme rather weird.

I don't even know what to say about this grammatically challenged mess of offensiveness.

How 'bout I hold this fiery hot brand to your ass for minute, so everyone knows you're my Valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day!

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

(Did the Washington Post really have this competition?  I really don't know.  I got this from my very first Valentine, my Dad, and we know how his stuff can be:  see Correction.  But I find it amusing, so who cares.  Thanks, Dad, love ya!  Keep sending me stuff!)

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime

Happy New Year!

It's New Year's Day, so this is the best you'll be getting out of me:

Okay.  Back to bed.

Some hair of the dog, maybe?

Bye, Bye, 2009

New Year's Eve can be a time of celebrating - sometimes to excess:

Can this be considered art?  I think so.  But then again I have never been known for my highbrow tastes.

I must be getting old because all I can think is "Who the hell is going to clean this up?!?"

Drunken yoga pose - the Downward Facing Drunk.

Well, at least they left his head uncovered. 

Waking up the next day can tough, too, you never know where you might wind up:

At least he was headed in the right direction. 

Four...more...stairs... and he would have been - well, somewhere.

Have a great New Year's Eve everyone, be responsible, and remember that cab drivers are your friends!

Merry Christmas!

Some of my all time favorite Christmas trees:

I definitely have all the necessary parts to make this at home.  I think I'll have another beer...

But wait!  Why mess with bottles, they really don't hold all that much.  Kegs are the way to go!

If you prefer wine, there's an option for you, too.

Once you've emptied all your bottles and kegs for the trees above, this is what happens when you attempt to put up a regular, old fashioned tree.

And lastly, a tree of unrefrigerated sushi.  YUM!!  If all the booze you consumed to make your Christmas tree hasn't made you throw up yet, eating this one will.

Have a Very Merry Christmas!!

My Favorite Christmas Movies: Then And Now

In honor of Christmas Eve, I'm going to do a "Where Are They Now?" item on the actors from my favorite Christmas movies.

Let's start with Christmas Vacation (1989):

The Griswolds

Chevy Chase today:

Older (well, duh), but still lookin' good there, Clark!

Beverly D'Angelo:

Can you believe this woman is almost 60?  Call me, Beverly, I need the number of your surgeon/dermatologist/witchdoctor/whatever.

Juliette Lewis:

She appears to either be singing, or attempting to see if she can fit her whole fist into her mouth.

Johnny Galecki:

Rusty all grown up.  On a side note, I love his current show, The Big Bang Theory.  Watch it, you'll love it too.

Ah, Cousin Eddie.  He is my absolute favorite character.

"Just emptying the sh*tter, Clark!"

Randy Quaid today:

Yes, this is a mug shot.  One in which he appears rather happy to be arrested, smiling, with a jacket thrown jauntily over his shoulder.  It seem in the years since CV, he's lost a few of his marbles:

Randy Quaid banned for life from actors union for bizarre behavior

and

Randy Quaid arrested

Next, we'll do A Christmas Story (1983):

The Parker clan.

Let's start with the star, Peter Billingsley:

Nice looking guy, but it's weird to see Ralphie as an adult.

Ralphie's little bro Randy:

Whose real name is Ian Petrella, seen here renacting a scene at the official A Christmas Story House Museum.

Yes, there really is one.

Next there's Mrs. Parker:

Melinda Dillon a couple of years ago.

And "The Old Man":

This picture was taken before Darren McGavin passed away in 2006.

Who can forget that little b*stard, Scut Farkus?

And here he is today, actor Zack Ward...

...kinda looking...well...the same. 

Flick:

And Scott Schwartz today:

with Tedde Moore, the actress who played Miss Shields.

Let's get some evil elves in here:

Lastly, I love It's A Wonderful Life (1946):

Makes me cry everytime, no matter how many times I've seen it (and trust, me I've watched it ALOT!)

As for the 'Where Are They Now' part...um...well...

Let's just say they're with Clarence and bells rang when they got their wings!

Have a great holiday everyone!!

Holiday Office Party

I have posted this one before, way back in the summer, but I wanted to get it up here again because I think it just summarizes Holiday Office Party fun so well.



I'm sure she got an excellent reference.

Pee Tree

Working at a stand that sells Christmas trees, we have no bathroom.  So when the need strikes and no one is around, we have been known to just let it go on the trees that are for sale.

Okay, so if any of you go to get your tree, pick it up, and it drips, do not believe them when they say it is dew!

I have enough trouble stopping my dogs from peeing on my Christmas tree as it is.

Please get a bucket or something, JohnnyReeDee.

Fra-Gee-Lay - It Must Be From Italy!

I'm a package handling guy for a major shipping company - I won't say which one (UPS? FedEx?  Isn't that all of them?) - and all of us here at work hate this time of year because our work multiples by about one hundred percent.  One of the guys I worked with used to let out his frustration by taking any box that said FRAGILE on it, shaking it and sometimes even throwing it on the ground or up against a wall.  He would only do it to packages that were obviously from mail/internet order companies, not individuals, because then the sender would get the blame and have to replace the item, not us.

I will admit his mood would totally change and he'd be the happiest-go-lucky guy there after he got his anger out of his system.

That guy must have ruined many a Christmas morning - but, hell, as long as HE felt better, right?

I am going to invest in a bubble wrap company, DrowningInAPuddle. And also, just lift your head up, puddles aren't really that deep.  You're welcome.

Totally, Like, Gross!!!!

Let's keep in the mall Santa mood we started yesterday, shall we?

OMG, the Santa I worked with at the mall was so DISGUSTING.  He was totally, like, dirty and smelly!!!  He had a real Santa looking beard, but it was all tangled and had food chunks.  You had to hold your nose when you dropped the kid on his lap!

But it gets SOOOO worse!!  Turns out that real beard had more that his lunch in it - he gave us and a WHOLE lot of the kids lice!!! So yucky!  He got fired!!

So I'm guessing this was a job you held on your high school holiday break?  Like, don't ask me how I know, but I just, like TOTALLY DO!!!!!!

And I'm sure the parents appreciated when you dropped their kids on his lap.  Are you available for babysitting?

How's that infestation going, TianaT.?

Grab My Sack

As a line herder for a mall Santa, I saw (and heard) some pretty bizarre things.  One of the Santas I had the pleasure of working with was a real perv for the moms.  He would come out with sexual innuendos that would (hopefully) be over the kids heads, such as "I'd like to come down YOUR chimney" and " I've got a really huge package for you right here."  My favorite was when he would ask moms to "Grab his sack."

He lasted less than a week.

If I had to listen to that crap, I would have roasted his chestnuts on an open fire.

See you at the mall, ElvesSuck!

Frosted Nipples

Office holiday parties are notorious for people getting drunk and doing things they regret.  At mine a few years ago, a coworker I will call "Bob" was putting down drinks as fast as they could pour them.  He seemed to be handling it okay, until the moment he whipped off his shirt, exposing his hairy man boobs, and started gyrating his hips to the music.  Then he scraped some frosting off one of the desserts and applied it to his nipples, offering anyone, female or male, $100 to lick it off.

There were no takers.

Luckily for him we had a week off after the party.  He returned to work acting as if nothing had happened.  For all I know he remembers none of it.

There were NO pictures?!?! Seriously, this is the reason cell phone cameras were invented - for moments such as this.

By the way, $100 is a nice bit of cash, I'd consider it...but he would have to up it to $200 if I got a chest hair included in my frosting.

Yum!

Hope this year's party is as good, HighFlyingGL!

C'mon Baby Light My Fire (Or At Least My Electric Candle)

I'm so glad the holiday season is here, because I had saved all my holiday worker craziness 'til now...and my inbox was getting pretty full of 'em!  So during this most wonderful time of the year, consider these seasonal stories in the upcoming days my gift to you (I can practically HEAR you all rolling your eyes. Hey, it's better than a lump of coal.  Then again, maybe not.)

We had an electric menorah at the mall where I worked.  It was timed so each candle would light up on its appropriate day.  One guy I worked with on the late night janitorial shift loved to mess with it. He'd unscrew bulbs slightly so not enough candles would be lit, and other times he'd force the timers so too many candles would be on.  Any given day at the mall, it could go from the 8th day of Hanukkah back to the first or somewhere in the middle.  We enjoyed imaging the confused faces of people looking at it and being like "What the...?"

Imagine all the lucky kids who got extra presents when their parents went to the mall on the last day of Hanukkah and, upon seeing that menorah, said "Oh sh*t! I've got more days left!"

Excellent marketing tactic, if you ask me.  Maybe that's why nobody ever DOES ask me.

Sigh.

That mall janitorial cleaning has got to be 'fun' this time of year, JackInBox!

Happy Hanukkah!

For all my Jewish buddies out there, here's a collection of some menorahs you might want to consider:

This one is kinda cute, but with the amount if times I would be in and out of that bottle, it wouldn't be practical.  Plus, toward the end of the bottle I'd be tipsy and waving around lit candles while trying to get another drink...and Grandma's hair on fire usually puts a damper on the festivities.

I just don't get it. 

Anyway, moving on...

The motherboard menorah for nerds.

But for the REAL nerds we have...

(Not that being a nerd is a bad thing of course!)

So to sum it all up:

May the force be with you this Hanukkah

Enjoy!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time to celebrate when the Pilgrims and Native Americans joined together to share a bountiful feast and enjoy the companionship of each other.

And the next day returned to swindling the other out of their native land (Pilgrims, of course) and collecting scalps to decorate their teepees with (Native Americans, duh).

Anyhow, this is amusing if you've got a spare minute while your turkey is roasting:

Wacky Web Tales - My Amazing Thanksgiving

Turkey En Flambé

'Tis the day before Thanksgiving, so I figured a crazy Turkey Day story is in order:

This year we were running late because I had forgotten a special bottle of wine I wanted to share and we'd gone back home to get it. Dinner was supposed to be served at 4:00 and we finally arrived at 3:30. As we walked down the path to their front door, we were greeted by my sister in law yelling, "Gang way - watch out - coming through" and out of the front door she ran with a pot of heavily smoking artichokes. Little did we know what was in store. As we walked in the kitchen, we noticed on the table a completely uncooked totally raw - turkey. (Remember dinner was supposed to be ready in a half an hour?) "Oh don't worry," they said, "we're barbecuing the turkey and it only takes 45 minutes." Except the barbecue hadn't been started yet.


It seems they were just getting to that when they discovered that the briquettes were wet. So rather than going to the store and getting new ones they decided that they had a solution to getting those wet briquettes to ignite -- gasoline! So, just imagine, if you will, a wooden porch with overhanging pine trees. Yeah. After a dose of gasoline, they were right -- the briquettes did light -- shooting three-foot high flames onto the eves of the wooden house. So they put the lid on the Weber and proceeded to wrap the turkey in aluminum foil. "Don't worry, this is how we had planned on cooking it anyway."

Finally as it was getting dark, they were ready to put the turkey on the grill. Quickly they opened the lid. The column of flame shot up anew and they literally threw the turkey on the grill and slammed the lid down. After a few minutes we saw seriously angry flames shooting out of every air hole in the barbecue. Some were leaking out between the top and bottom of the Weber. The fat in the turkey had reached flash point and it was burning out of control. About 30 minutes (and several glasses of wine) later, it was decided that the turkey was probably done cooking and we should probably take it off the grill. A roof high column of flame shot up as they took off the lid. OK, so how do we get the turkey off the grill with all those flames? Using a fireplace poker, the turkey was pushed of the grill where it landed on the wooden deck, still burning furiously. The fat of the turkey and the foil were one as it kept right on burning.


By now there was talk of calling the fire department. But rather than do that, it was decided that someone needed to "put the turkey (fire) out." Of course, using a fire extinguisher would wreck the turkey (like it wasn't ruined already?) so my father-in-law and my nephews grabbed the first thing at hand -- bathroom sized dixie cups -- and began to "spoosh" the flames out. After a few minutes (and a bit more wine) it was finally out. Now, I don't know who decided it was still edible -- but as was family tradition my father-in-law carved and served that turkey - crispy on the outside and raw on the inside -- and we ate stuffing and burnt artichokes while we enjoyed taking pictures of the inedible bird. -- Karen Frank, Pleasant Hill, CA

Thanks to Holidash  for this, ahem, turkey.

Happy Halloween!!

In honor of one of my favorite holidays, let's check out some of the more tasteless and tacky costumes ever...although I find a few of them rather hysterical.  But then again I'm pretty tacky and tasteless myself.

Ron Jeremy, is that you?!?!

And who knew men could get camel toe? Ya learn something new every day.  Even if you don't want to.   *Shudder*

Great example you're setting for your kid there, Mom and Dad, letting him go out like that.  I suppose you even filled him in on the 72 virgins, huh?

 "Should I be a ninja this year, or a maxi pad/tampon combo....hmmm.....OH WAIT!  I can be both!"

I gotta say, though, those cottony nunchucks probably won't be slaying any enemies.

Gettin' some from a mutated Chuckie doll.  Now that's what I call fun on the high seas.

I'm probably a freak, but I kinda like this one.

"That's my baby?!?!! Put it back in, put it back in!!"

Damn uncomfortable costume for a party.

And speaking of uncomfortable:

This makes me very uncomfortable just looking at it.