Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bye, Bye, 2009

New Year's Eve can be a time of celebrating - sometimes to excess:

Can this be considered art?  I think so.  But then again I have never been known for my highbrow tastes.

I must be getting old because all I can think is "Who the hell is going to clean this up?!?"

Drunken yoga pose - the Downward Facing Drunk.

Well, at least they left his head uncovered. 

Waking up the next day can tough, too, you never know where you might wind up:

At least he was headed in the right direction. 
Four...more...stairs... and he would have been - well, somewhere.

Have a great New Year's Eve everyone, be responsible, and remember that cab drivers are your friends!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Vicki Walker, of Auckland, New Zealand, was fired for sending e-mail messages in all-capital letters. The employer said that Walker's co-workers complained about her "shouty" and confrontational e-mails. Walker was awarded $11,500 on the premise that the company had no official e-mail style guide; therefore, her messages did not amount to grounds for dismissal. (


Whew, just switching back lowered my blood pressure by about 50 points and made that scary vein in my head stop throbbing.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

More stories from the news:

When almost 150 people at a Texas bank call center became ill, reporting dizziness and shortness of breath, officials suspected carbon monoxide or some other toxic fume was the culprit. But when two people complained about dizziness after a co-worker sprayed perfume and then others began to feel sick, it was discovered that the perfume was to blame. Thirty-four people were taken to hospitals, 12 by ambulance, and 110 people were treated on the scene. No one knows what type of perfume was sprayed. (
When your perfume turns out to be a biological weapon, maybe it's time to switch to a new one.

Monday, December 28, 2009

In The News: The Weirdest of 2009

We will end this year and quite possibly run into the next  (what can I say, it was obviously a very weird year) with some crazy work stories that made headlines:

Steven Reid, a 23-year-old hotel cleaner in Scotland, just wanted a day off of work. Rather than asking for one, Reid claimed he had been assaulted. To convince his boss, he took a razor from his pocket and repeatedly dragged it down his face. He also picked up a boulder and repeatedly hit himself on the head and body. He went to the police station to report "the assault." When asked about the incident, Reid said, "Looking back, I should have just phoned work and asked them for the day off." (BBC News)

Aw c'mon, just ASKING for a day off wouldn't be nearly as fun!  Now I have to go and find myself a large boulder and a razor and I will be right back...

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Sunday Funnies

I love traveling all over.  And we have some really great places to visit right here in the good old USA:

Don't blink or you'll miss it!

and bedtime is 8pm.

There's got to be SOMETHING to do there, right? 

Okay, maybe not.  Let's skip Iowa and move on to where there is plenty of stuff to do:

And one of those things is even legal there!


Well, it's nice they at least give ya a warning.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Buzzwords for 2009

Grant Barrett's Buzzwords for 2009:


Undue worry in response to swine flu. Includes unnecessary acts like removing nonessential kisses from Mexican telenovelas and the mass slaughter of pigs in Egypt.


An atheist. Usually derogatory.


A person who believes that Barack Obama was not born in the United States and therefore can’t be president.

bonus tax

A proposed levy on bonuses given to employees of companies that received federal bailout money. Related terms included botax, a proposed levy on cosmetic procedures. It would be used to help pay for health care reform and is a play on Botox, a trade name for a substance used to smooth skin wrinkles. There was also cow tax, what critics call a proposed fee for methane emissions. Would it apply to methane-emitting cows, they wonder?

car tone

Music or ambient noise proposed for use by electric cars, whose quietness otherwise makes them go unnoticed by pedestrians.

Cash for Clunkers

A government program in which older automobiles are exchanged for pollution credits or rebates on newer and more fuel-efficient models. First popular in 1990 but resurgent in 2009.


The intertwined economies of China and the United States, which together dominate the world economy. Popularized by Niall Ferguson in his book “The Ascent of Money.”

conflict minerals

Gold, tin, tungsten and tantalum, widely used in electronic devices and commonly mined in politically unstable countries or regions. Related to conflict diamonds.

crash blossom

A headline that can be misconstrued, like “Shark Attacks Puzzle Experts.” Will Shortz is not in jeopardy; the sharks are just confounding scientists.

death panel

A supposed committee of doctors and/or bureaucrats who would decide which patients receive treatment, ostensibly leaving the rest to die. Also deather, someone who believes erroneously that the government would have death panels under health care reform.

Dracula sneeze

Covering the mouth with the crook of the elbow when sneezing, like Dracula hiding his face with a cape.

drive like a Cullen

To drive like a bat out of hell, like a member of the Cullen family in the “Twilight” vampire books by Stephenie Meyer.

Government Motors

A nickname for General Motors, which is now majority owned by the federal government.

El Stiffo

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger of California said he wasn’t El Stiffo, meaning a colorless character, after he was criticized for brandishing a large knife in a video promoting the sale of state property to raise money.

gaymarry, gay-marry

To marry someone of the same sex. Also used hyperbolically to mean to form an unconventional relationship, as in, “I love my new cellphone so much I want to gay-marry it.”

Great Recession

A reference to the current economic downturn. Used at least a few times for every recession since 1980, but never with such vigor as now.

green shoots

Signs of an economic recovery or of a company’s financial turnaround.


A pronunciation of H1N1, the swine flu virus.

I’mma let you finish

Part of Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards, a widely popular joke meme on the Internet.


Jean leggings.


A recession that affects men more than women. Also hecession.


An exclamation used disruptively or nonsensically by young people. From Beaker of “The Muppet Show.”


A person who perpetrates a Ponzi scheme smaller than Bernie Madoff’s.


An inexpensive portable computer, usually smaller than a laptop but larger than a smartphone, intended mainly for use with the Internet.


Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to octuplets in January.

orphan books

Volumes still in copyright but out of print and unavailable for sale, and whose copyright holders cannot be found. Rose in 2007 but peaked this year with the fierce discussion over the proposed Google Books settlement.

public option

A government-run health insurance program proposed as part of the health care legislation making its way through Congress.


The sending of sexual messages or pictures by mobile telephone.

social distancing

Staying away from other people so as not to catch or spread the flu. Common since late 2005 but surging in 2009.

swine flu party

A gathering held so people can be infected by a mild form of swine flu, in theory creating antibodies against more dangerous forms. Such a practice is universally discouraged by doctors.

Tea Party

An organized gathering of antitax, antigovernment and/or anti-Obama protestors. Also teabagger, a derogatory name for attendees of Tea Parties, probably coined in allusion to a sexual practice.


A person who believes the federal government is mostly illegal because it usurps rights that belong to the states, in violation of the 10th Amendment, which reads, “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.”

torture memos

Bush administration documents that secretly authorized the torture of suspected terrorists.


A digital book that includes some video in its text.


Someone who believes that the earth is jeopardized by becoming warmer. Shortened from global warmist and used mainly by people who are skeptical about global warming.

wise Latina woman

A term used by Judge Sonia Sotomayor in a speech before she was a Supreme Court justice, suggesting to some observers that she believed ethnicity and gender had a role in determining law.


The temporary name of a newly found element, Uub for short. It comes from the Latin for the element’s number, 112.

Grant Barrett is the editorial director of the online dictionary and co-host of the syndicated public radio show “A Way With Words.”

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

Some of my all time favorite Christmas trees:

I definitely have all the necessary parts to make this at home.  I think I'll have another beer...

But wait!  Why mess with bottles, they really don't hold all that much.  Kegs are the way to go!

If you prefer wine, there's an option for you, too.

Once you've emptied all your bottles and kegs for the trees above, this is what happens when you attempt to put up a regular, old fashioned tree.

And lastly, a tree of unrefrigerated sushi.  YUM!!  If all the booze you consumed to make your Christmas tree hasn't made you throw up yet, eating this one will.

Have a Very Merry Christmas!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

My Favorite Christmas Movies: Then And Now

In honor of Christmas Eve, I'm going to do a "Where Are They Now?" item on the actors from my favorite Christmas movies.

Let's start with Christmas Vacation (1989):

The Griswolds
Chevy Chase today:

Older (well, duh), but still lookin' good there, Clark!
Beverly D'Angelo:

Can you believe this woman is almost 60?  Call me, Beverly, I need the number of your surgeon/dermatologist/witchdoctor/whatever.

Juliette Lewis:

She appears to either be singing, or attempting to see if she can fit her whole fist into her mouth.

Johnny Galecki:

Rusty all grown up.  On a side note, I love his current show, The Big Bang Theory.  Watch it, you'll love it too.

Ah, Cousin Eddie.  He is my absolute favorite character.

"Just emptying the sh*tter, Clark!"

Randy Quaid today:

Yes, this is a mug shot.  One in which he appears rather happy to be arrested, smiling, with a jacket thrown jauntily over his shoulder.  It seem in the years since CV, he's lost a few of his marbles:


Next, we'll do A Christmas Story (1983):

The Parker clan.

Let's start with the star, Peter Billingsley:

Nice looking guy, but it's weird to see Ralphie as an adult.

Ralphie's little bro Randy:

Whose real name is Ian Petrella, seen here renacting a scene at the official A Christmas Story House Museum.

Yes, there really is one.

Next there's Mrs. Parker:

Melinda Dillon a couple of years ago.

And "The Old Man":

This picture was taken before Darren McGavin passed away in 2006.

Who can forget that little b*stard, Scut Farkus?

And here he is today, actor Zack Ward...

...kinda looking...well...the same. 


And Scott Schwartz today:

with Tedde Moore, the actress who played Miss Shields.

Let's get some evil elves in here:

Lastly, I love It's A Wonderful Life (1946):

Makes me cry everytime, no matter how many times I've seen it (and trust, me I've watched it ALOT!)

As for the 'Where Are They Now'

Let's just say they're with Clarence and bells rang when they got their wings!

Have a great holiday everyone!!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Holiday Office Party

I have posted this one before, way back in the summer, but I wanted to get it up here again because I think it just summarizes Holiday Office Party fun so well.

I'm sure she got an excellent reference.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Pee Tree

Working at a stand that sells Christmas trees, we have no bathroom.  So when the need strikes and no one is around, we have been known to just let it go on the trees that are for sale.
Okay, so if any of you go to get your tree, pick it up, and it drips, do not believe them when they say it is dew!

I have enough trouble stopping my dogs from peeing on my Christmas tree as it is.

Please get a bucket or something, JohnnyReeDee.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Fra-Gee-Lay - It Must Be From Italy!

I'm a package handling guy for a major shipping company - I won't say which one (UPS? FedEx?  Isn't that all of them?) - and all of us here at work hate this time of year because our work multiples by about one hundred percent.  One of the guys I worked with used to let out his frustration by taking any box that said FRAGILE on it, shaking it and sometimes even throwing it on the ground or up against a wall.  He would only do it to packages that were obviously from mail/internet order companies, not individuals, because then the sender would get the blame and have to replace the item, not us.

I will admit his mood would totally change and he'd be the happiest-go-lucky guy there after he got his anger out of his system.

That guy must have ruined many a Christmas morning - but, hell, as long as HE felt better, right?

I am going to invest in a bubble wrap company, DrowningInAPuddle. And also, just lift your head up, puddles aren't really that deep.  You're welcome.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Sunday Funday

Huge parental failures- part two:

I used to play Charlie's Angels when I was little, too! Oh, yeah, but without the the real guns.

Damn, I feel cheated.

"C'mon, give Grandma a kiss!"

Good thing he had his kid's head to hold up that sign.  See, kids CAN be useful!

Please read my new book: '101 Uses For Your Toddler'.

Well, what ARE ya gonna do when you run out of rats at feeding time?

"Damn, son, I can't see any reason why they'd put a wall here to keep us from getting closer to the animals.  Hang on, I got an idea..."

This is an usual zoo exhibit.  Good thing they chained up that baby, they can be scary.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Totally, Like, Gross!!!!

Let's keep in the mall Santa mood we started yesterday, shall we?

OMG, the Santa I worked with at the mall was so DISGUSTING.  He was totally, like, dirty and smelly!!!  He had a real Santa looking beard, but it was all tangled and had food chunks.  You had to hold your nose when you dropped the kid on his lap!

But it gets SOOOO worse!!  Turns out that real beard had more that his lunch in it - he gave us and a WHOLE lot of the kids lice!!! So yucky!  He got fired!!
So I'm guessing this was a job you held on your high school holiday break?  Like, don't ask me how I know, but I just, like TOTALLY DO!!!!!!

And I'm sure the parents appreciated when you dropped their kids on his lap.  Are you available for babysitting?

How's that infestation going, TianaT.?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Grab My Sack

As a line herder for a mall Santa, I saw (and heard) some pretty bizarre things.  One of the Santas I had the pleasure of working with was a real perv for the moms.  He would come out with sexual innuendos that would (hopefully) be over the kids heads, such as "I'd like to come down YOUR chimney" and " I've got a really huge package for you right here."  My favorite was when he would ask moms to "Grab his sack."

He lasted less than a week.

If I had to listen to that crap, I would have roasted his chestnuts on an open fire.

See you at the mall, ElvesSuck!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Frosted Nipples

Office holiday parties are notorious for people getting drunk and doing things they regret.  At mine a few years ago, a coworker I will call "Bob" was putting down drinks as fast as they could pour them.  He seemed to be handling it okay, until the moment he whipped off his shirt, exposing his hairy man boobs, and started gyrating his hips to the music.  Then he scraped some frosting off one of the desserts and applied it to his nipples, offering anyone, female or male, $100 to lick it off.

There were no takers.

Luckily for him we had a week off after the party.  He returned to work acting as if nothing had happened.  For all I know he remembers none of it.

There were NO pictures?!?! Seriously, this is the reason cell phone cameras were invented - for moments such as this.

By the way, $100 is a nice bit of cash, I'd consider it...but he would have to up it to $200 if I got a chest hair included in my frosting.


Hope this year's party is as good, HighFlyingGL!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

C'mon Baby Light My Fire (Or At Least My Electric Candle)

I'm so glad the holiday season is here, because I had saved all my holiday worker craziness 'til now...and my inbox was getting pretty full of 'em!  So during this most wonderful time of the year, consider these seasonal stories in the upcoming days my gift to you (I can practically HEAR you all rolling your eyes. Hey, it's better than a lump of coal.  Then again, maybe not.)

We had an electric menorah at the mall where I worked.  It was timed so each candle would light up on its appropriate day.  One guy I worked with on the late night janitorial shift loved to mess with it. He'd unscrew bulbs slightly so not enough candles would be lit, and other times he'd force the timers so too many candles would be on.  Any given day at the mall, it could go from the 8th day of Hanukkah back to the first or somewhere in the middle.  We enjoyed imaging the confused faces of people looking at it and being like "What the...?"
Imagine all the lucky kids who got extra presents when their parents went to the mall on the last day of Hanukkah and, upon seeing that menorah, said "Oh sh*t! I've got more days left!"

Excellent marketing tactic, if you ask me.  Maybe that's why nobody ever DOES ask me.


That mall janitorial cleaning has got to be 'fun' this time of year, JackInBox!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Graveyard Shift

I work at a cemetery, so I have many stories of weirdness, but I will stick to one in particular for today.

At this time of year, many families come and place grave blankets on the graves of loved ones. I always like the look of it, makes the place look more "lived in". Hehe. Sorry, cemetery humor.

Anyway, people generally make one visit around the holidays, and don't come back for a while. That makes it easy for my co-worker to get away with this:

Every year he sets up a roadside stand to sell - you guessed it - grave blankets. And I'm sure you can figure out who his supplier is...yes, our every own cemetery. He takes the blankets off the graves and resells them.

If anyone does notice the missing blankets, it's really hard for them to blame one particular person, with all the people in and out and the large number of groundskeepers.

Happy Holidays!!
Well, that's dead wrong.  He's gonna get caught one day, no matter how hard it tries to bury this grave injustice. 

That's just my opinion, of corpse course.

Thanks for the Holiday spirits, LeoLeo23!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sunday Funnies

Huge parental failures:

Daddy's been speding too much time at the strip joint.

Got around that car seat regulation, didn't ya?

Will be on nicotine patches in Kindergarten.

I personally like this one.  I mean, he's got his video game apparently so he's busy, and he's safe and can't go anywhere, what's not to love?

Aw, how cute.  This year's Holiday card, I assume?

That kid looks awful angry with that ax in his hand.  Maybe he missed today's episode of The Wiggles?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Happy Hanukkah!

For all my Jewish buddies out there, here's a collection of some menorahs you might want to consider:

This one is kinda cute, but with the amount if times I would be in and out of that bottle, it wouldn't be practical.  Plus, toward the end of the bottle I'd be tipsy and waving around lit candles while trying to get another drink...and Grandma's hair on fire usually puts a damper on the festivities.

I just don't get it. 

Anyway, moving on...

The motherboard menorah for nerds.

But for the REAL nerds we have...

(Not that being a nerd is a bad thing of course!)

So to sum it all up:

May the force be with you this Hanukkah