Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Agony Of Da Feet

Our office is pretty casual.  That's a good thing, except for Harry, who wears sneakers that must be 30 years old and reek like the local landfill.  You can smell him coming from five cubicles away.  And to add to his repulsiveness, he takes off his sneakers at his desk and props his feet on it, which makes the stink overwhelming.  And to CONTINUE to add even MORE repulsivity (is that a word?), he has been know to cut his toenails at his desk and let the cut toenails fly all over, land where they may - and he doesn't pick them up.

He sounds just a WEE bit insane.  Maybe you should grab one of those discarded toenails so you can provide the police with DNA when the time comes.  Because you know it will.

Sending some heavy duty air fresheners Toby's way for this one...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Toilet Treasures

As a plumber, the most common call received is to unclog toilets.  One of my coworkers used to bring various items in his pockets to calls - unpackaged (but unused - he wasn't THAT sick) condoms, lace thongs, etc.  After he cleared out the client's obstruction, he'd dampen whatever item was in his pocket that day in the sink and present it to the homeowner saying "This was your problem."  He loved the shocked look on their faces -  knowing that the women didn't recognize the underpants and that some of the men most likely didn't use condoms with their wives.

The most notable was the time when a woman freaked out after his presentation, and said to her 7 or 8 year old girl "Pack a bag, we're going to Grandma's because your Daddy is screwing a whore".

That's a really crappy thing to do.  But you have a crappy job to begin with.  Literally.

The golden plunger award of the day goes to Mr. Plumb!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Designated Drunk

A guy I worked with had a drinking problem.  He actually brought vodka to work in water bottles and drank from them all day (And that old saying  that you can't smell vodka is totally untrue. You can. Very much so.)  Anyway, during the day you would alternately hear insane laughing or loud crying coming from his cubicle.  We all just kinda got used to it. 

But this is the weirdest part - he was exceptionally good at his job.  While drunk.  So he never got fired, because we needed him.
YOU CAN SMELL VODKA?!?!  Oh, crap. 

Um, anyone know what you can't smell?  I'm just curious is all.  Really.

Cheers to Andrea34 for this one!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sunday Funday

The funniest protest signs of 2009:

Really?!?! Asian children are plotting to assasinate my Grandma?!?!

What exactly would the pubic option be?

'Cause he's got nothing more important to do.

I vote to exclude the douche bags.  But that's just me.

Your spelling is having an even bigger crisis of 'competnce'.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Yum, Pancakes!

I knew someone who worked in a very popular chain. Their main thing in the a.m. is their famous pancakes. He was mad at the Manager and actually urinated in the pancake batter that got served to many customers. Of course I didn't know about this until after the fact or I would have reported it.

Of course you would have reported it.  Riiiiiiight. 

Maybe pee is the important ingredient that MAKES the pancakes so delicious, hmm?  They could use it instead of maple syrup - he could go to each table and douse each order with his own very special 'syrup'. 

Thanks to Donnie, who hasn't eaten a pancake since!

Friday, September 25, 2009

News Bloopers

I find nothing funnier than when newscasters mess up live...

NSFW, by the way!!

The chicken comment is....well, basically insane, but my favorite part is his co-anchor's face after he says it:

Someone really pissed off Sue:

And lastly, a compilation of mistakes:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Who's The Crazy One Here?

For your enjoyment, unedited and in its entirety:

I'm a waitress @ a very. very busy NYC area diner... & all I'm gonna say is stay away from side salads people!! (waiters/waitreses use there hands to make them!!!) I was appauled when I first learned this was how it was done... (too busy to use thongs n stuff.. plus there may be 4 or 5 others trying to get into the salad bin at the same time as you... there isnt even salad tongs in my diner!!) And let me tell u.. our hands get quite dirty after working just a few minutes!!! Also cooks use there hands 4 everything!!! (ever order a melt & notice how nicely the tuna or chicken salad is patted down & molded so neatly??!!!) & YES... WE EAT OFF UR PLATES B4 THEY COME OUT!!! We dont get breaks & get hungry too!! So if u order something & it looks tastey we may grab off it! Ex. fries, clam strips, cut up pieces of chicken... nothing big though... even our managers do it!! And I'll just say this one last thing... treat your servers with respect!!! Dont talk down to us or treat us like slaves!!!! I bend over backwards for anyone who treats me nicely and smiles...But I dont even want to tell you what some other servers may do if you treat them disrespectfully!!! (you would be shocked at how some treat us!!! I think some people get off on it...there jolly 4 the day...... but were the ones with the last laugh!!!) ... And it's not just diners btw... actually I think diners are cleaner & have better servers than most franchise restaurants (also a large portion of diners business comes from repeat frequent customers.. some people eat all 3 meals with us... they come to us because we treat them like family & consistanly give great service and quality (& quanity lol) food!).......(franchise chains) hire nothing but kids, & kids could give a frogs fat ass what is served on your plate..... bottom line is all of this has been going on since the dawn of eating out.... If you enjoy eating out then continue to do so.... Just take my advice & you'll be fine!!! The better you treat your waiter/waitress, the better your entire meal will be!! (oh, & stay away from those side salads!!! lmao!!)

I would prefer no thongs in my salad anyway.

Thanks, dinergrl, and maybe lay off the caffeine. 

Monday, September 21, 2009

Blowing Chunks

For my job, my coworkers and I spend a lot of time on the road driving to different sites.  Our boss has us all go in one car to save on expenses, which would be fine except for the Vomiter.  He gets car sick constantly, and for some reason never has the advance notice or presence of mind to ask to pull over or even open the window before he yaks.  He has thrown up in all of our cars, and is usually too sick to help with the cleanup.  We began to insist that we use his car, since even with the Vomiter our boss won't spend the extra to let us drive separately.   He throws up even when HE drives, but at least we no longer have our cars being defiled.  It's very, VERY difficult to drive for long periods of time in a car full of puke though, I gotta tell you.  We are all gagging, and we've even had OTHER people throw up to add to the chaos.   It would be great if he was fired or let go, but since he does a great job otherwise, I guess we are stuck with dealing with him spewing for the foreseeable future.

Do they have strap on vomit bags?  Maybe that would be a good invention.  Just wrap it around the vomitees head, and voila!  Might look a little strange, but it's still better than last night's dinner all over your feet.

Sending a barf bag and an air freshener to HippoTay for this one!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday Silliness

Following last Sunday's book covers, here we have the worst album covers ever:

Um, you wouldn't happen to be a serial killer, would you?

I can hear the photographer saying "Let's have your best constipation face now, baby!"

I have the heebie jeebies from this masterpiece.


Sorry. Lost control there.  I forgot that pooh is totally cool.

Fill in your own caption.  Even I can't be as mean as this one requires.

A bunch of fresh, coquettish young ladies in virginal white!  Lovely!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Baby Talk

My coworker talks in baby talk.  If you ask her to do something, she'll say "Me is vewy, vewy busy, if I do more I might cwy."  When she needs to use the restroom, she will cross her legs and say she has to wee-wee.  Her lunch is her "wunch", her desk is her "deskie" and her phone is her "phoney woney".  

I may kill her.

Why you so cranky wanky?    And if you do killy willy her, you just made it pwemeditated by saying it here.

Just sayin'.

I'd kill her too, though, Revolted...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Happy Ending

I had a job as a receptionist for a female chiropractor.  She was great to work for, a sweet lady.  Most of her clientele were male, but I never gave that a second thought until the day the police came in and arrested her.

Apparently not only did she offer spine adjustments, but 'happy endings' as well.

I think that was rather enterprising of her.  I mean, there they are, already lying down so...there ya go!  She combined two careers into one lucrative business.   Wonder if she got tips too?

Gotta go and check on finding a chiropratic school that will accept me.

Thanks for introducing me to a new career path, EricaJ.!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Flag Me Down

I am one of those guys with the flags that direct traffic during road construction. One of the guys I worked with thought it was funny to mess with the motorists. He'd have the 'slow' sign turned to them, and at the last second turn it to 'stop' and laugh as tires squealed. He'd then give the driver a dirty look as if to say "wow, you're an idiot!". He'd also use his flag to make obscene gestures near his crotch at attractive women.

He got fired.
Really?!?! He got FIRED?!?!

That's a shocker.

Hey lady, check out my big, long, stiff....flag pole.  What did you THINK I was gonna say?  Get yer minds outta the gutter, people!

Thanks Flagger09, for keeping traffic flowing smoothly!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Eat It

As a corporate trainer I have seen a few odd balls. However, the worst person I clearly remember was in a new hire class I trained. Long story short, she would pick her face and eat it while I taught the course. It became so bad she had to excuse herself to the bathroom to blot the bloody mess she called her face. Other new hires came to me saying that she was a distraction and they couldn’t put up with her. Her favorite time to pick her face was directly after lunch, I still get a tad sick to my stomach even thinking of Facepicker. She eventually got fired because she could not perform the job. I hope she never works with people again.

Alright, the picking  'til you're bloody is pretty damn bad but....she ATE it?!?!  Her skin or scabs or whatever? Would that be classified as some sort of self-cannibalization or what?

Looking for a new line of work yet, djonesd04?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Vagrant Valet

I valet park cars at a very expensive hotel in NYC.  One of my fellow valets, a young guy of about 21 or so, likes to use the patron's cars as his own personal hotel.  At night, he sleeps in the most luxurious car he can find; he is especially delighted when someone drives in with a high-end SUV - then he can push the seats down and a have whole big sleeping space. Now, you probably feel all bad for him thinking he's homeless, but he has a room of his own at his parents penthouse apartment on Central Park.  He doesn't even need to actually HAVE a job.  He just thinks the valeting and the car sleeping thing is a fun lark.

He has even brought girls back to his car of the night after the bars have closed.  Personally, I don't see why girls would go for this, but hey, maybe they are trying to work their way to the top - the penthouse, that is.

Is his room available at his parents?  Or even a closet?  I'm easy to accommodate, ya know.

A big thank you to Eric Chen! (And by the way, I totally get it.  Say it out loud like one word...there ya go!)

Monday, September 14, 2009

Close Yer Blinds

I worked as a water meter reader for many years.  In my area, the meters were outside the house, on an exterior wall, so we had to go in yards and walk around houses.  One guy I worked with used this as an opportunity to peer in people's windows.  He considered it a jackpot if he found an unsuspecting woman at home partially dressed or sometimes not dressed at all.  He would report in on who he saw, giving us the address and a rating of how she looked.  I guess he thought we would be as excited by this info as he was; in reality we were all pretty disgusted by him. 

He got caught trying to take a cell phone picture of one woman.  Her window was open and she heard the camera noise and saw him.  Major screaming ensued.  The police were called, charges filed, and he was fired.

Well, if it gets me a discount on my bill, come on over! 

Stop judging me!  It's a tough economy, ya know?

Thanks to AnonymousGuy!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sunday Funday

Worst Book Covers Ever:

Are those chocolate chips or small bear turds?
"My, what big wood you have, sir!  I need both hands to hold it up!"
Confucious say:  "Man with hole in pocket feel cocky."
I. Have. No. Words.
This is NOT porn.  I repeat, this is NOT porn.
Having your wedding picture in a cowboy crotch frame is the height of romance.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Bite Me

I once worked in an office where there was a girl that had a pleasant personality, she was a good worker and attractive but she reeked of garlic everyday. She believed that garlic would help keep her healthy so she ate it raw; she took garlic pills and who knows she probably even drank garlic water. You could just walk by the cubicle and it reeked of that bad breath smell. The bad thing about it was that another guy had to share a cubicle with her. I don't know how he stood it. It made me cringe just to walk by it.

It's not the health benefits, no way, uh-uh.  It's to ward off vampires.  Because you KNOW they are out there.  Now where did I put my garlic clove necklace?

A new air freshener heading on out to NPHaley2 for this one!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Itchin' and Scratchin'

I worked with a guy who as soon as he started to talk to you he would scratch his crotch. This was made worse by the fact that I worked in Santa's Workshop.

And that he was Santa.

Those suits probably ARE itchy, but damn, Santa, control yourself! And the poor elves that were eye to crotch level - oy.

I'm getting coal this year now, aren't I? Nevermind what I said - scratch away, Santa, scratch away!

Ho Ho Ho to Belynda P.!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Smelly Belly

She was nearly 40, needy, immature and drove me NUTS! One day she would be crying, never telling anyone what was wrong; another day she'd be "petting" you and calling you "Mama" (ewww!); then she would ask questions that she should ONLY ask her mother... i.e. "Why does my belly button smell?" She'd constantly call me on my way home from work (even though we'd worked ALL day together), just to chat. I needed this in rush hour traffic? If I ignored her calls, she'd be crying the next day telling everyone I “hated her". Or, if I ignored her at work, she'd run to our manager and tell her that I was "picking on her". This "child" constantly had her fingers in her mouth, would chew her nails and was DISGUSTING! I felt like I had to sanitize my area every time she sat there!

Hey, Mama, why DID her belly button smell?!?!  I mean, who has THAT problem?

I can envision creating  a new product:  'Button Blaster:  The Deoderant for Smelly Bellies'.  And don't try stealing that; I'm on the phone with the patent office right now!  But I really can't understand what they find so damn funny...

Thanks to Paz628!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Diving Into The Crapper

Ok, this has nothing to do with coworkers, but I just can't let this weirdness pass us by without taking note:

Outhouse Aficionado In Deep Doo-doo. Again.

Maine man busted for climbing into national forest crapper

SEPTEMBER 1--For the second time, a Maine man has been arrested for climbing down into the waste vault below an outhouse in a national park. Gary Moody, 49, is facing federal charges for a Memorial Day incident at a campground in the White Mountain National Forest, where he was first arrested in 2005 after being spotted in the waste vault beneath a women's toilet (at the time Moody claimed he dropped his wedding ring down the toilet and climbed in to the vault to retrieve it). According to an affidavit filed last week in U.S. District Court in Portland, a nine-year-old boy waiting to use the bathroom noticed that "the toilet had been pulled out and was lying on the floor. At that point a man popped out of the hole leading to the waste vault." After a few minutes, a "completely wet" man exited the restroom and told the boy, "Man, sorry about that, I was getting my shirt." After learning of the bizarre incident, federal investigators immediately suspected Moody had been in the vault "based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity." When interviewed at his home, Moody admitted climbing into the vault, claiming that his shirt had fallen into the waste chamber. Moody claimed that he had removed his shirt "and placed it on the seat of the outhouse because he thinks that outhouse seats are dirty." When a federal agent commented that it did not make sense to "climb into an outhouse pit if he didn't like to even sit on outhouse seats," Moody fell silent. When asked if he had "ever had counseling because of the outhouse problem," Moody said no, adding that he had "anger toward society because of how he was treated after he was found in the pit of a National Forest outhouse in 2005." Pictured above in a mug shot taken after that bust, Moody--now facing three misdemeanors--is due in federal court on September 16 for an initial appearance.

I love the fact that this was his second foray into an outhouse holding tank.  And I also love the fact that he claimed he was using his shirt as a toilet seat cover.  Because toilet seats are dirty, so of course you'd want your shirt to touch it!  And if it falls in, well, who wouldn't climb into a pit of human excrement to retrieve it?       

Monday, September 7, 2009

Happy Labor Day

You're inside? At a computer?!?!  It's a holiday!  Get yourself outside and enjoy the last bit of summer.  I command that you do so!
But make sure ya come back tomorrow when the fun is done and gloomy reality sets in.  Sigh.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Sunday Silliness

Bizarre business names....

I REALLY want to visit that gift shop.
This is for the times your battery operated ass quits on ya.  Plug it on in!
What, no sneeze guards? 
Is that like mad cow?  I think I'll pass...
Who needs to buy them? We can make our own at home!
Combined with the ball washer at the bowling alley, we've got it all covered.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Bar Ho

I worked with a fellow bartender who was a slut (stop with the sugar-coating, will ya? Tell us what you REALLY think). Every night at the bar, she'd zero in on her conquest for the night and spend the whole time making sure he left with her after closing.  Sometimes she'd show up for her shift the next day (which wasn't until 6pm) wearing the same clothes from the night before, looking all rumpled and mascara raccoon eyed.  But still, she'd find someone different to take her home that night.

Eventually it came out that she gave pretty much the entire population of male bar patrons (and some of the employees!) the clap.

Please tell me you did not sit on the toilet seat at work.

Let's all clap for Barrie's submission!

Friday, September 4, 2009

In The News...

Let this be a lesson to you!  Do not use angry fonts.  Use the sweet, happy fonts. 

I never realized that fonts could be such a landmine at work.   Avoid the unitelligent fonts, the inbriated , enebriated, inebriated, drunk fonts and at all costs the criminally insane fonts.  Maybe companies could provide proper font usage classes? 

Emails Spark Woman's Sacking
By Rebecca Lewis
4:00AM Sunday Aug 30, 2009

An Auckland accountant was sacked for sending "confrontational" emails with words in red, in bold and in capital letters.

Vicki Walker, who was a financial controller with ProCare Health, has been awarded $17,000 for unfair dismissal, and plans to lodge an appeal for further compensation.

She is now speaking out, calling for greater protection for white-collar workers from the financial, emotional and mental stresses involved in a dispute with a big corporate employer.

"I am a single woman with a mortgage, and I had to re-mortgage my home and borrow money from my sister to make it through," she said. "They nearly ruined my life."

The Employment Relations Authority ruled that Walker was not fairly terminated from her position after sending the emails to co-workers.

ProCare told the authority Walker - who was fired in December 2007 after two years of employment - had caused disharmony in the workplace by using block capitals, bold typeface and red text in her emails.

She had also acted provocatively in seeking to view complaints laid against her by colleagues.

But Walker said they talked about a number of emails she had sent, yet used only one in evidence. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: "To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist."

As part of her compensation, Walker was awarded nearly $6000 in lost wages for the 13 weeks between leaving ProCare and finding a new job, but she says she didn't find fulltime work until October 2008.

Walker was also awarded $11,500 for any harm caused through her dismissal.

"To say that [email] is confrontational is ridiculous," says Walker. "I have spent thousands defending myself and there are so many issues that are unresolved that I want to take them up on."

Authority member Alastair Dumbleton said Ms Walker received no warnings, and while she had contributed to disharmony in the workplace it was not to the extent that dismissal was fair or reasonable.

She had been a capable and competent employee, he said. ProCare did not have a style or etiquette guide for employees using email, so it was not clear what was regarded as unacceptable communication.

ProCare did not respond to a request for comment on the compensation ruling.

Thanks to Verbatim for sending me this link!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Raunchy Real Estate

As a Realtor, I have access to people's homes.  I myself do not take advantage of that, but my coworker Cindy did...

She would look through people's drawers and closets, pulling out whatever she thought was funny to laugh at.  She looked in medicine cabinets to see what prescriptions people took.  She used makeup and perfumes.  She helped herself to their food , not enough that the homeowner would notice anything missing, she just ate bits and pieces here and there.

But the absolute WORST thing she did was when she was in the midst of an affair.  To avoid getting caught by her husband or his wife, she would use her client's homes when she knew they would be at work for her rendezvous.

So she could get to a house, use the makeup and perfume, put out a little food (not too much of any one thing of course), use things she found in nightstand drawers (I don't mean those things, get your minds out of the gutter - wait, maybe I DO mean that - heh), and meet up with her "lover" (I really hate that word. Blech).  And get paid.

Total win-win for her.  The homeowner, not so much.

A big thanks to RealtorChick!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I See Dead People

This woman I worked with told everyone in the office she could talk to the dead.  She would say things such as "Tom, your grandfather Robert has something to tell you."  Meanwhile, Tom's grandparents were all still living, none were named Robert, and neither were any of his great-grandparents named Robert (so that excluded any spirit miscommunication possibilities).  We were used to her making this kind of stuff up, so we'd go along with it and say things like "Oh my God, Grandpa Bob!  What does he want to say to me?!?!"  She'd get this smug look on her face and say something to the effect of "He says the key is hidden in the wall of the old house."  Meanwhile, we were all trying  to keep straight faces and not snicker.  Having us believe she had this 'power' seemed a large part of her self esteem, so we kept our mouths shut about knowing she was a fraud. 

Plus it was funny as hell.

I think Grandpa Bob is pretty pissed off that you didn't go get that key.  Because you never know.....BWAHAHAHA!!! (That was an attempt at an evil laugh.  Just go with it, ok?).

A spooooky thank you to GeorgieP.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Split Personality

The woman I worked for had a split personality.  She would ask for a file, when I would bring it to her she would say "Why are you bringing me this?"  When I would tell her that she asked for it, she would look at ME like I'M crazy and say "No, I did not".   I would send her an email requesting a day off, and she would ok it, but when I didn't come in for work she would call me screaming that she couldn't believe I would just not show up for work.  When I would show her the email proof, she would say she doesn't remember it and someone must have hacked her email, so she would spend all day changing passwords and trying to sniff out the culprit.  She would send me to the building lobby to get her coffee, and when I would come back with it, would tell me to get my coffee on my own time, not the company's.  When I would say it was hers, she'd say "Hah!  Good way to try to weasel out of it!"

We all knew she was crazy, but complaining was not taken favorably by the owner because she was his daughter and could do no wrong in Daddy's eyes. 

When I developed an ulcer and other stress related illnesses, I had to quit.  I still have a twitch under my eye to this day that just doesn't want to go away.

Why did you send me this?  I didn't ask you to!

Oh, wait, I did.  Nevermind.

Thanks to Janice with the twitch...