Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Half Price Sale on Slightly Stained Dresses - Today Only!

More gross bodily fluids from Teana....

Joe went out one day for a liquid lunch with all our coworkers, then suddenly got up and left the table while everyone was still eating. We saw him back at the office, but no one asked him where he had suddenly went off to during lunch. When we had been back at the office about an hour or so, the police came in and took Joe out in handcuffs. So what happened? Well...

After he left lunch, he went to a local clothing store that sold teenager-y kind of stuff. He went behind a rack and proceeded to 'pleasure himself'. A clerk saw him and screamed, he ran out, but the clerk managed to get his license plate number. Hence the cops in the office an hour later.

He was not fired since he agreed to get treatment.

I'm wondering if the clothes on that rack were on sale for a reduced price after that?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Burger Boy fills us in on something so disgusting I have to turn off my brain while typing it to avoid heaving on my keyboard....

I worked in a burger place. We had a jerk who came in for lunch every single day and was one nasty a$$hole. The guy I worked with behind the counter came up with a special revenge for this guy. One day he'd rub his privates on the burger before giving it to him. Another time he fried his burger in pee. My favorite was when he'd pluck a hair from down below and place it between the cheese and the burger.


Did he wash his hands before his next customer? Because the way I see it, not only was the jerk getting this treatment, but all the other customers after him where getting - ahem, how shall I say it? - the residual after effects.


Sunday, June 28, 2009

Paul tells us...

I was at a party with my coworkers and we were all sitting around a table talking. I should probably mention that the drinks were flowing that evening. Anyway, one woman I worked wth suddenly breaks into the conversation and says "Let's all hold hands and pray for Green Peace." And she was SERIOUS. So naturally, me and some of my other inebriated cohorts start laughing and sayng "Why should we pray for green peas? Is there some vegetable blight or something?" We kept up with the green peas thing for a bit, until she ran from the table crying. We weren't mean to her or anything, she was just so upset that none of us would take Green Peace prayers seriously.

Maybe she'd have gotten a better reaction with a more well liked vegetable. Corn maybe, or carrots. Personally, if someone asked me to pray for lima beans I would. I like those little suckers.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

You Gonna Eat That?

Howie makes us a bit nauseous today...

I worked with a woman who was very proud of the fact that she was having sex with one of the guys that worked with us. She was a rather large woman with seeemingly questionable hygiene, so I guess so wanted to let everyone know how this guy apparently found her hot. She was constantly telling us things we NEVER wanted to hear about their escapades - how they would do it in her car in the parking lot, stay late at work and go at it in the bathrooms and stuff like that. One day we were having a morning meeting in the conference room (breakfast provided). She leans over to me, points at the middle of the table directly under the plate of bagels and whispers "We did it right there last night!"

I didn't have any bagels. And tried to touch the table as little as possible.

Lysol anyone? *barf*


Friday, June 26, 2009

Scary Clown

Mandy's got one for us today...

I worked with this guy who seriously looked like a scary clown. Red round nose, crazy hair, etc. He had major anger issues and would punch his office walls on a continual basis, making big holes and TWICE breaking his hand. He would try to cover the holes with tape, but that didn't really do much but make them even more noticeable. When we moved out of that office we couldn't get our security deposit back because of all the damage in his office.

Scary clown is kind of redundant, no? I mean, what clown ISN'T scary?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Random Pictures

Ok, these really don't have anything to do with crazy people or working with them, but someone sent me these in an email and I had to share just cause they cracked me up so much:

Here's Dick, with the weather:

And the Mother of the Year Award goes to....

And the gift for the person who has everything! (Don't you just wish you had seen this in time for Father's Day! Oh well, there's always next year)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Maybe Crime Does Pay....

Sal says:

We had a salesguy at work who was doing really well, selling projects like crazy and getting paid major commissions on these sales. That's all well and good except....he never actually sold anything. This was discovered when he literally took the money and ran. Management was so embarrassed that they were conned by this guy that they never pursued him. He also claimed to be a Navy Seal - not true, and if anyone questioned him on it, he'd claim all information was classified to get him out of the fact that he knew nothing about actual Navy Seals. Weirdest of all, we googled him after he left and found out that while he was working for us he had another job in another state - as a host of a TV exercise program of all things.

Please don't tell me this is Jack LaLanne and tarnish my golden image of him in all his 100 year old glory...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A Compilation of Crazy

Yeah, it's 6 minutes of your life you'll never get back, but go for it anyway.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Introducing the Newest Superhero - Super Slut!

A Nonny Mouse (I get it! Cute!) reports:

We had a woman at work who just constantly made up lies for attention. Some of her good ones:

- Said she once slept with Jim Carrey in a pool
- Also slept with Prince Phillip
- Claimed to have had cancer and had to have her uterus removed, but somehow miraculously gave birth to a child after that (she told the uterus removal story in front of someone who had actually had cancer, I don't know if she was trying to bond with her or something)

She also had some issues with work happy hours. She would go into the bar bathroom dressed in her work clothes and then suddenly reappear dressed as Super Slut. Then she would drink 'til she blacked out. On one occasion, she got up on the bar and wrapped her legs around a strangers head. While wearing a skirt. And in front of people she worked with.

Hmmm....Jim Carrey.....didn't he have a movie called Liar, Liar? Fitting somehow, no?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Swinging Isn't Just for Playgrounds Anymore....

A quickie from H.J.:

We had a super flirty girl that worked with us. Flirty to the point of uncomfortable. When she was eventually fired, her computer was chock full of links to swinger sites and emails arranging times and places to have sex with people. Seemingly strangers.

Wow. I hope no one inherited her desk chair. Or if they did, they had it treated for STDs before they used it.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Rubber Sheets and Body Paint - The Sequel

When Tammy saw her entry published here, she realized she left out a small tidbit...

Ack! I forgot to mention that before creepy guy posed his rather odd question, he informed everyone that he had had a vasectomy and finally could have sex after 30 days. THEN he asked "Where can I get rubber sheets and body paint?"

Ah! Now I see! After 30 days of celibacy, of COURSE the first things that come to mind are rubber sheets and body paint. *snicker*

Friday, June 19, 2009

What is that Scent You're Wearing?

Matt has a doozy...

We had a receptionist at our office who would torture everyone in the office by talking to them endlessly. People started developing defense tactics, like just resuming work while she was talking. So I used that tactic one day, and it worked (Hallelujah!) but as she walks out she says "Stinky"(!!!). Rest of conversation goes like this:

Me: “Did you just call me stinky?”
Her: “No, that’s me. I have a body odor problem.”
Me: “Do you use deodorant?”
Her: “Yeah, the doctor thinks it could be my diet.”
Me: “You should probably use deodorant more often, maybe carry it with you.”
Her: “Oh, I didn’t think of that.” (How do you NOT think of that?!?!)

From then on she kept deodorant out on her desk in full view. Remember she was the RECEPTIONIST, so everyone coming in the door got to see evidence of her 'stinky' problem.

Unrelated to her smelliness, she eventually stopped doing work, even showing up, started complaining about work and saying crap about her coworkers on her MYspace, which was not private so EVERYONE at work saw it - and oh yeah, she had revealing pictures of her odiferous self on there too.

Shockingly (ok, not so much) - she was fired.

Crazy! Wait, no, that's me....

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Rubber Sheets and Body Paint

Yuck Tammy, but thanks anyway:

I worked with a guy who always seemed a little 'off'. He never necessarily did anything TOO weird, he just gave off a creepy vibe. That is until the day we had an office happy hour. He would approach a coworker and ask him/her "Do you know where I can get rubber sheets and body paint?". Naturally, the person would say no, so he'd move on to the next person, and then the next, and then the next. Don't think he ever found out what he wanted to know though.

What do you DO with rubber sheets? Ok, on second thought, nevermind. Don't wanna know.

Merry Christmas, F*ckers!

Another one that should be labeled as 'Something that we'd all LOVE to do, but.....'

Okay. Big company Holiday party. Super drunk employee decides to speak his mind. Every guy was either an a$$hole or a f*cker. Every female was a whore. Ambulance was called to party. Took him away, and he was never seen from again.

Tom, that has gotta be the worst case of morning "What did I DO at that party?!?!" ever.

Makes me want to sing "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, that was a little ditty in the late 60s about mental illness - because what could be more fun to sing about, really?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Let's Scare Up Some Business - Literally....

Anonymous, you have a great one here:

There was this sales guy who would come to my company to sell projects. He was INSANE - and he looked it, with all this crazy white hair. He was so nuts that his sales tactic was basically fear. I actually walked past someone's office at my company one day and saw the crazy dude up on my co-workers desk - yes, STANDING on his desk - and screaming at him "You fat f*ck, give me business!".

Well some scared soul bought a project. But people were complaining about how he was running said project, so he came in one day to address their concerns. He did so by setting up an easel with a covered up board in the conference room. He waited for everyone to be present, and began by saying "I know you all have a problem with me". He then whipped the cover off the board which only had two very big words on it: F*CK YOU. He walked out saying "I'm done with you" and we never saw him again.

I have to admit, I sorta love this crazy f*cker. I can't help it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Agony of Da Feet

Mike's submission scares yet fascinates me....

There was a guy where I worked who would bring buckets into the bathroom (this was a bathroom with many stalls and sinks) and would fill them at the sink. Then he would take them into a stall with him, shut the door, and whoever was in there could hear splashing. He'd leave a big wet mess on the stall floor. No one ever had a clue what he was doing. Same guy was caught by people a few times washing his feet in the sink. He had his buckets lined up on the counter for that too.

I kinda get the feeling that he was washing his feet in the toilet too. Can't imagine that would leave you with that fresh, just washed feeling.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Booger Boy

Some snot for Sunday!

I worked for a major national company, and my department was all cubicles, but with the sort of low walls so you can see everyone's heads above them. Well, one guy had a nose picking issue. Now that would be bad enough, but he'd wipe them on one particular wall of his cubicle. Day in, day out, until he had amassed a huge amount of old, dried boogers covering the majority of this wall - I think he might have even tried to sculpt the stuff into shapes a bit at one point. The weirdest part is he was so PROUD of it and would add to his collection while people were at his cubicle - I guess so they could see the creation of his 'masterpiece' in action.

Nice one, Diane. I wonder if this could become a tourist attraction, kinda like the world's biggest ball of twine in Minnesota or something.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace:

1.Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)

3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. When you do emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8.Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10.Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair- dancing.

12.Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13.Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14.Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15.Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

16.At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

17. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

18. Dont use any punctuation marks

19. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

20. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

21. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

22. Sing along at the opera.

23. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

24. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

25. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

26. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3 times this week!!!!!"

27. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

28. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Friday, June 12, 2009

This One Is Astounding, To Put It Mildly...(Watch For The Cell Phone Video Guy At The End)

I love the guy at the end filming with his cell phone! What else do you do when a life- threatening whacko is running amok? Run? Hide? No! Whip out your cell phone and get as close as you can to capture it for posterity!!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You Could Kill Someone With That!

Larry, thanks for this dangerous one....

We worked on the 10th floor of a building in NYC. The windows on this old building opened. When there were parades we opened the windows and threw out paper. Richard threw out a complete box of paper still in its cardboard container. He could have killed someone. What did happen is it hit and damaged a car on the street. The owner of the car saw the name of the company on the box and of course was able to trace it back to our office. Why Richard was not fired I don't know, probably because I don't think anyone told that it was him. The company did make good on the damage.

Really?!?!? A huge box?!?!?! Ten floors?!?!?! With the company name on it?!?!? 'Nuff said.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Ok, So This Guy Basically Just Did What We've ALL Wanted To Do At Work One Time Or Another.....

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

What Does an Elevator Taste Like?

Just had someone mention a tidbit in passing about someone they worked with who desperately wanted to get out of work on disability. This person thought they could convince the higher-ups of their disability worthy insanity by licking the elevator's walls while it was loaded with people who could report back these disturbing incidents. Need to get more details and get back to ya on this one....

But really, how bad could your job be that it warrants licking elevator walls? That seems only one step up from licking the office toilet...

(I must step away momentarily while I heave.)

Monday, June 8, 2009

The Candy Ass is Blind Drunk

Tony sent us this little gem....

Joe and his lush friend Sean went drinking one night during their break on the night shift. Joe came back into work all beat up. Later on Sean came back to work all beat up. They finally realized that in their drunken stupors that they had been fighting each other. Sean was always calling everyone a "Candy Ass". I guess Joe got pissed off.

How drunk DO you have to be to not know you're fighting your co-worker?!?!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Would You Like Some Wine With That?

Andy's got one for us from many years ago....

On the night shift John and Tom used to bring back large jugs of wine back to work. They use to discharge the fires extinguisher to chill the bottles of wine. This was discovered when the fire inspectors found all the extinguishers empty. I believe they called it their wine festival or something like that. They hid the bottles under the raised flooring in the computer room. How no one got fired for all of this stuff is beyond me! It was a different time!

Who cares about putting out a fire as long as you've got cold wine, right?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Don't Shoot the Cleaning Lady!!

Another goodie from our friend Don.....

Bob again! The cleaning lady at night used to vacuum while they were working on the computers and the noise drove Bob crazy. He set it up with another one of the guys that when she started to vacuum he pulled out his blank firing starter pistol and shot the vacuum while the other guy pulled the plug out on the vacuum. Cleaning lady ran out screaming.

I guess a dirty office is less annoying than the sound of the vacuum....

Let's Dangle the New Guy from the 10th Floor Window!

Don writes to us his story of workplace insanity.....

Bob worked the night shift. He was a drunk who spent his dinner hour at the bar who's name escapes me at the moment. Mc Sorleys I think. He had the bar tender keep setting up shots on the bar which he would down in rapid succession. A new hire started one night and Bob and his drinking buddy, whose name escapes, grabbed the guy, opened the window and hung him out by his ankles from the 10th floor window. They pulled him back in and he took off never to be seen again.

I guess that's one way to welcome a newcomer at work....maybe next time a cake or something would be better.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Christian Bale's Rant on the Set of the Terminator Remix - NSFW!!!! (But funny as all hell...tell me you're not singing it after listening!)

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It's Milton!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Send your story!

You know you've got a story you're dying to tell! Send it on in and you just might see your name (or pseudonym) posted!