Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Size Matters

For Airport Security, Size Matters

Cops: New high-tech screener triggered fight over manhood insult

MAY 6--A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines--the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler--when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him." Instead, Negrin allegedly pulled out a police baton and began striking Osorno, while demanding an apology. A witness told cops that Negrin told Osorno, in Spanish, "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize." When Negrin, wearing his TSA uniform, arrived for work yesterday, he was arrested on an aggravated battery count and booked into the Miami-Dade lockup. Osorno, police reported, suffered "bruises and abrasions on his back and arms" during the attack.

I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands

I have a great affinity for crazy people in general, but crazy famous people?!?! LOVE 'EM! So I'm loving this:


Russell Crowe is set to capture America's heart all over again when Robin Hood hits theaters in two weeks. But let us not forget: Russell Crowe is crazy. Some exclusive excerpts from a new book remind us just how crazy.

The following excerpts are taken from

The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
 by Nicole Laporte, which will be released May 4. Her chapter on the making of Gladiator contains these tidbits about what it's like to work with Russell Crowe. First, his negotiation style:

"You motherfucker. I will kill you with my bare hands."



"Hello?" Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.


"You motherfucker," the speaker repeated.


"Who's on the phone? Who is this?" Lustig demanded.


When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.


"Steven," he said. "I'm leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I'm leaving."


Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.


Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor's recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Next, a surly and apparently hung over Russell comes to a script meeting at Ridley Scott's production facility one morning. He insults the recent script changes and walks out. Ridley Scott finally tracks Crowe down and gently ushers him back to the meeting:

Finally, Crowe materialized—unrepentant and sans affability. If Scott's pep talk had any effect, it seemed to have lodged deep in the actor's subconscious. Crowe played along, but refused to summon a scintilla of good humor. He didn't so much recite his lines as growl them in a deranged accent that flitted between indeterminate continents of origin. More absurd was Oliver Reed's delivery. Even though his lines were as long as haiku, he filled them with dramatic flourishes. Having recently renounced drinking, he said that the only thing he was chugging was lemonade, but the question was just what he was mixing in the stuff.


"My oold frrriend," he read, puckering his lips and rolling his r's with all the pomp of a 17th century thespian.


Crowe, in turn, chewed up monologues, spitting out each and every poisonous syllable.


Screenwriter John Logan, who has lovingly crafted many of these lines, watched in horror. He scrawled four words on a piece of paper: "Kill me! Kill me!"


A month later, after filming in England, the shoot moved to Ouarzazate, Morocco – a town near the Sahara Desert, where Hollywood has traditionally gone for its sword and sandal needs (Lawrence of Arabia was filmed in the area). Crowe's mood did not improve. Twice, he had walked off the set. Even when he was supposedly having "fun," Crowe was a puffy pain. After challenging members of the crew to a foot race, and losing, he would mutter for days, "I would have won, but I can't run in the sand in sandals."



Heh! And finally, an inside look at the ferocious working style of the world's greatest actor (Russell Crowe):




Never were Crowe's spirits more in flux than when he was to read the climactic, "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next" scene, in which his character, Maximus, removes his helmet and reveals his identity. It was only the most seminal line in the entire movie, and yet Crowe was convinced that it was ridiculous – overwrought, puffery that no man would ever be caught dead saying, least of all a brawny, sword-carrying killer standing under the unrelenting African sun. Scott was one of the few people who seemed to understand Crowe, that underneath all that volatility was a very scared actor who needed to feel safe. Rather than blow up at him, Scott waited until the tantrum subsided. Then he agreed to shoot the scene the way Crowe preferred.


After doing the take, Crowe still looked dissatisfied. "Let me see the other script again," he said to Scott, referring to the loathed revision. After studying the page stonily, he shrugged. "Well, we might as well try it."


And so, the scene was reshot. Everyone agreed it was brilliant. Everyone, that is, but Crowe. "Russell, what's the problem?" Scott asked, finally showing a hint of exasperation. "It worked."


"It was shit," Crowe repeated, "but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even shit sound good." And with that he marched off.

Feeling Cocky

I work in Human Resources, so basically I interview a whole lot of people. A few have certainly stuck out in my mind, for example, one kid straight out of college. The conversation went like this:



(Kid walks in looking super relaxed)


Cocky Job Applicant: So, let’s get right down to it. There is no one better for this job than me. You’d be stupid (!!!) to look further.


Me: We have many qualified applicants.


CJA: Of course, you have to say that. Can we talk money?


Me: There is much more to cover before we discuss salary. You don’t have much job experience.


CJA: I don’t need experience. I have more brains and talent than most of the people already working here.


Me: (Starting to get reeeealllly annoyed.) Well, that’s nice, but I can’t really take your word for it.


CJA: When I work here you’ll see what I mean.


Me: No, I won’t. Because you won’t be working here. And I suggest you refine your interview skills before your next interview.


CJA: (Looks shocked, then recovers his swagger.) Dumb move, lady. Someday you’ll see my name and regret not hiring me.


Nice, huh?

Admit it, you all thought from the title I was going somewhere else with "cocky".  Heh.

She probably will see his name somewhere at some point. Quite possibly the Police Blotter.

Or Hollywood. They seem to like arrogant asses.

Thanks to HRLady!!

Home Sweet Home

A friend of mine is an architect.  His personal style is classy, understated and elegant, but he has to pander to the desires of his clients, obviously.  In this day and age of gaudy McMansions, he is requested to do all sorts of insane things - one client even requested a huge gilded two seater swing hanging in their two story foyer.  Eventually, he became so exasperated he decided to go a little crazy with his plans and throw in the most bizarre features he could imagine just to see what would happen.  "Floating bathtub" mounted on clear pedestals - client loved it.  Toilet encased in a raised throne - client loved it.  Curved walls in a hallway to create the illusion of walking through a tube - you guessed it, they loved it.

He hates just about every job he has done, but he is in high demand and rolling in dough.

You know what? Curved walls would make cleaning so much easier.  No more dust (or in my home, dog hair - and lots of it) accumulating in the non-existent corners.

Though I would probably have some big problems when tipsy.

How can I get me one of them there toilet thrones, Sebastian?

The Writing On The Wall

In the restroom at my office, nasty graffitti started appearing on the walls, all of it centered around a particular female comworker of mine.  It was pretty graphic, all about her enjoyment of perfoming deviant sexual acts that I won't list (aw, c'mon, aren't we all friends here?).  Obviously, she was very upset.  More writing would appear overnight, so my superiors knew it had to be one of the plentiful cleaning people that came in at night.  But which  one?  Since it is illegal to put video in a bathroom, a camera was erected right outside the entrance.  The next day when more slurs appeared, the tape was reviewed and it was discovered which cleaning guy it was.  Obviously he was fired, but the best part was his reasoning.  He stated that "The b*tch left crumbs and dirt around her desk.  She's a pig who needs to learn to clean up after herself."

I bet she cleaned up her act quick.  So punny, I am!

Apparently Tapit saw the writing on the wall.  *snicker*

A Genius!

Sometimes I receive a submission so eloquent, so refined, that I just have to post it exactly as it came in:

I SPIT AND SH*T ALL OVER YUR FOOD!  hAHAHH!  U SUCK AND EAT IT WTH MY SPERM MIX A$$HOLES.  F*CK DUMB SH*T.

Well, I didn't spell out some of the more profane words, but I think you see what I mean.  A scholar is among us!

Does your Mommy know you are on the computer, Name-I-won't-repeat-cause-it's-filthy?

Driving Miss Tipsy

I am a driver for a limo company, and this isn't about the Crazy People I've Worked With, but rather, worked For.

People do some damn disgusting things in limos.  Whoever in hell decided sex in a limo is a sexy thing?!?!? It's far from a novel idea -you wouldn't believe how many people do it.  And trust me, we do not disinfect or even wipe down the seats.  So there's a good chance you're sitting in someone else's (words edited out, but I think you all got the idea).

There is actually one time we do have to do an intense cleaning - and that's after a vomiter.  There is a lot of those, too.  It's great that people are being responsible while drinking and hiring a driver, but really, should that driver have to be responsible for the fact that you drank your face off and are now spewing uncontrollably? Some people make small attempts to swipe at stuff with a tissue, but in the end it all comes down to us.

And I am not your slave nor servant, so stop speaking to me like I am.  I am just there to do a job, like the rest of the world.

Next time I am in any sort of car that is not my own, I will be wearing a full body condom.  So if you see me, give a wave!  I will be the one encased in Latex.

I think I might detect some anger here JoeyAveloni...

Celebrity Insanity

What can be more fun than when a celebrity goes a little nutty?

We'll start with the most famous, which I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has seen, but it's still entertaining enough to watch again.



Mike Tyson most certainly seems to have several screws loose:



Good old Mel Gibson. He was once one of the biggest movie stars, and people adored him. Then he became an angry, offensive drunk. And now a very cranky interviewee.





I don't think Quentin Tarantino likes this woman very much:



We thought Bjork's swan dress was crazy:

Bitchin' Server

I worked at one of those big chain restaurants, and we had, like, a gazillion waitresses. The place was always packed and hectic. One girl I worked with, Sue, had a bad work ethic. Some days she came in hungover, others she was just plain cranky and bitchy. When she knew she'd be having a bad day and giving crappy service, she would introduce herself as Kelly, a waitress that no one liked. So all her customer complaints were about Kelly and not who had REALLY sucked, good old Sue.

If I head to a chain restaurant and get a bitchy waitress that introduces herself as Kelly, you know I am going to be thinking twice...

Just be sure to not piss off Sue, AndreaPensy!

Scoop The Poop

I work in the maintenance department of a state park.  The park is very popular with dog walkers, and there are signs all over about scooping your dog's poop.  BUT.....so many people do not bother.  So it totally sucks for us, the people who have to clean it up, but also for the hikers and playing children who step in (or roll on, in the case of the children) a fecal landmine.  We see people all the time, standing there while their dog poops, and then nonchalantly walking away like the rest of the world are their servants and they are too good to clean up after themselves.  You can only imagine how mad we get...

So mad that when one day my co-worker saw this happening though an office window, he ran outside, picked up the fresh poop with his BARE HANDS and hurled it at the dog owner while screaming "Pick up after your dog, you pig!"  The poo hit the guy square in the back, streaking down the back of his jacket as it slid off. 

Good thing the guy was more embarrassed about breaking  the Pooper Scooper Law than angry and just rushed to his car and took off without reporting anyone.

Ew, did he just get in his car and lean back on the seat in his caca coat?

By the way, while we are on this subject, I hate when people don't clean up after their dog.  There is a woman who walks all the way from her house about a quarter of a mile away to the street where I live, where she lets her two dogs poop freely without a baggie or scooper in sight.  On people's lawns.  Where kids play.  And I fall down when I've had a few too many.

Anyway, lady, I have my eye on you, and next time I see you, the poo will be flying.  Beware, I have VERY good aim.

Your job kinda stinks, doesn't it, RandyHanson?

That's Just Grate!

I worked at a supermarket deli years ago, and one guy I worked with (I will call him Kevin) had another job in construction. Since he worked with his hands a lot, they were very rough and calloused. Anyway...

The deli had a service where if the customer brought us a block of cheese, we would grate it for them at no extra charge. If the customer who requested the service was rude or an a$$hole, or even if Kevin was just in a bad mood that day, he'd grate some of his callouses into the cheese.

I adore grated parmesan. But I will never look at it the same again.


Barf.

Say cheese, Greg!

Finger Lickin' Good

We have lunch meetings all the time, where we order in food and sit around the table in the conference room.  My colleague, who I will call Jim, is a very, VERY large man.  Morbidly obese.  We actually have to bring in two arm-less chairs for him and push them together so he can sit down.  He's a really nice guy, but he has some unusual habits.  One is that he brings a WHOLE roasted chicken in for lunch every day.  I think he also has some breathing issues, so when he eats, he does so with his mouth wide open.  This drives another colleague, who I will call Jane, batty. 

One day we were at one of these lunch meetings, and Jim was eating his chicken as ususal.  He was covered in chicken grease and chewing loudly with his mouth open.  I could see Jane growing more and more tense, until she finally stood up, slammed both hands down on the table and screamed "Close your mouth, you f*cking pig!"  As soon as it came out of her mouth, she gasped, covered her mouth with her hands,  started to cry and apologize profusely. 

Jim took it all in stride, suprisingly, and said he has heard way, way worse stuff about himself than anything she had said.  Bizarrely enough, Jim and Jane are very good friends now, and he even attended her wedding.

Aw, how sweet.  All's well that end's well and all that. 

I pity poor Jim, though, having to hear worse things about himself than f*cking pig.   My usual funny (or at least I think it's funny, others may not) commentary escapes me on this one, since I just feel kinda.....sad.

:(

Now I have a craving for roasted chicken, JulioJJ.

Terms Of Endearment

A woman I worked with was having an affair with a male coworker.  She thought it was 'loooove'  while he wanted nothing more that an occasional *bleep* (bleep added by me, although I have no problem with words like *bleep*, or *bleeping* or *bleepity-bleep*.  I just don't want to offend anyone else who may be less crass than me.  Or who may be reading at work).

One day she found out the 'terms of endearment' he was referring to her as when he spoke to other male coworkers.  They included slam piece, easy lay, etc.  Spreads as easy as warm butter was my favorite.  (Sorry, I couldn't bleep these.  'Cause they're kinda funny.)  She ran over to his cubicle crying, and grabbed whatever she could reach on his desk and hurled it at him.  Coffee (while still in a mug), cellphone, random papers.  I think the stapler probably hurt the worst.

They were both summoned to the boss's office, and given a lecture on proper work demeanor and inter-office dating.  As far as I know, they have never spoken to or even looked at each other again.

Well, THAT must have made for a tension-free office environment, no?

I'm sure all the rest of the ladies in the office were lining up to date him.  What girl doesn't swoon at being called slam piece?

Never heard that warm butter one before, JerryCola45!

Teacher Of The Year

I am a Kindergarten teacher. At my school, I have a classroom that is connected to another teacher's classroom by a swinging door. My neighboring teacher was always a bit high-strung to say the least. She always told other faculty how much the kids pissed her off, and she had a particular dislike for a couple of her students. Truly, I have no idea why she ever became a teacher, except maybe because she likes her summers off. Anyway, one day I hear her start to yell. But not just yell, I hear her screaming at her students that they are a bunch of spoiled, evil little sh*ts, and she wished their parents had used birth control.

Wait, that's it?  What happened to her?  Did the 'powers that be' just say, "You're right, they ARE a bunch of evil sh*ts!  Bravo!" and let her keep teaching?

Don't leave us hanging, Stringer!

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Finger Lickin' Good: Don't Try This At Home

By Ed Orum


There's a certain chicken chain where "finger lickin' good" has proved to be advertising gold.

This isn't a story about that.


It's the tale of former British supermarket employee who has taken the idea to a new level of bizarreness.

30-year old Adeel Ayub is facing criminal charges for, among other things, licking raw chickens and placing them back on store shelves for unsuspecting shoppers. Digest that for a minute while you ponder how he didn't contract salmonella, and you're probably wondering why anyone would do such a thing. As they say on TV, "But Wait, That's Not All!"

Seems Ayub was dumb enough to let a co-worker tape the shenanigans.

The video is now making the rounds online, and it shows some of the laundry list of offenses including urinating into garbage cans, throwing raw eggs, slashing his colleagues' clothes, discharging fire extinguishers and playing rock star in the break room by tearing up the place. There was also a game of stockroom baseball with items destined for store shelves.



Ayub worked for four years at the British supermarket chain Asda, which is owned by Walmart. While he has already apologized for the antics - which took place a few years ago - he gives no reason for his extra-curricular activities. He's due in court later this month.

So of course I searched for the video, so you don't have to:

In The News: Weirdest Of 2009

 Employee Stabs Himself To Get Out Of Work



How far would you go to get out of work? The Denver Post reports that one man was actually willing to harm himself physically.

29-year-old Aaron Siebers walked into work at Blockbuster Video Monday night with a deep stab wound in his leg along with several other superficial knife wounds. He told his boss that he had been stabbed by three men dressed in black then reported it to the police.


Five police agencies and a K-9 unit formed a manhunt to search for the suspects. Detectives also interviewed Siebers and reviewed videos from a nearby Target's surveillance cameras. Unfortunately for Siebers, the footage showed him walking from his bus stop to the store with no indication of an injury.


After further questioning, Siebers finally confessed that he actually had stabbed himself because he didn't want to go to work. He was arrested and charged with two misdemeanors -- false reporting and obstructing a police officer.


The moral of the story according to the Police Department's spokesperson "If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don't do it near a Target store."

The PD's spokesperson added "Near a Wal-mart. yeah, fine, go ahead and stab yourself, but by Target it's a no-no."

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Vicki Walker, of Auckland, New Zealand, was fired for sending e-mail messages in all-capital letters. The employer said that Walker's co-workers complained about her "shouty" and confrontational e-mails. Walker was awarded $11,500 on the premise that the company had no official e-mail style guide; therefore, her messages did not amount to grounds for dismissal. (UPI.com)

MAYBE HER CAPS BUTTON WAS STUCK.  AND WHY IS CAPITALIZATION SEEN AS CONFRONTATIONAL AND AGRESSIVE?  CAN YOU TELL ME?  HUH? C'MON - ANSWER ME!  ARGH!

Whew, just switching back lowered my blood pressure by about 50 points and made that scary vein in my head stop throbbing.