Sunday, February 28, 2010

Sunday Silliness

I love how he has molded himself to the shape of the bumper.  He may have some stiff neck issues when he comes to wakes up, though.

Kiddie birthday + cake with huge penis.  And yet no one seems the least bit disturbed by this.

Lovely family photo.  Three generations - even Grandpa is in it.  No matter that one of the generations is no longer breathing.  Definite Christmas Card this year!

Is that hair?  How do you DO that?  WHY would you do that?


Rather creative, I think.

No helmet for your child, no problem!   A plastic bag will protect his head from any injury, plus provide added protection from rain.  Just remove for a minute or two if he starts turning blue.

Should be Pretty Prostitute Makeup Kit.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Mortuary Madness Part Two

More funeral parlor weirdness!

We hired a girl to do the makeup (someone's got to do it).  Problem was, she slathered it on like people were going to be in a pageant rather than to the great beyond.  The women wound up looking like hookers.  She didn't use eyeshadow on the men, luckily, but she still piled on the foundation, blusher and even lipstick. They came out a bit transvestite-ish.
We had to let her go.  Too many people were offended by their deceased loved ones looking like prostitutes and cross-dressers.
That's one of those jobs you never really think about.  And for good reason, because I am totally creeped out now.

Do you have to the makeup yourself now, Dan the Funeral Man?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Mortuary Madness

My family owns a funeral parlor.  It's a big house, and we live above the funeral parlor itself, on the second floor, which I am sure will creep some people out.  But since I have been living here since birth, I'm so used to it that it doesn't seem weird to me at all.  I have always worked for the family biz, and when my dad retired and moved to Florida, I took over completely.
One time my staff made a pretty significant mistake.  We had two viewings that day, and the men both had similar names, we will call them John Robertson and Robert Johnson.  The staff put John R. in one viewing room, but put out the flowers and the placard for Robert J.  And vice versa in Robert J.'s room.
Imagine both family's surprise when they arrived to say good-bye to their loved one wasn't him.  There was much shuffling and confusion to rectify that mess.
Your Dad worked at a funeral parlor all those years and retired in Florida?  You would think he'd want to get away from old corpses.  Just kidding, Floridians, I love your state!  Especially as I look out the window at more snow.

We have more from Dan the Funeral Man tomorrow!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Celebrity Insanity

What can be more fun than when a celebrity goes a little nutty?

We'll start with the most famous, which I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has seen, but it's still entertaining enough to watch again.

Mike Tyson most certainly seems to have several screws loose:

Good old Mel Gibson. He was once one of the biggest movie stars, and people adored him. Then he became an angry, offensive drunk. And now a very cranky interviewee.

I don't think Quentin Tarantino likes this woman very much:

We thought Bjork's swan dress was crazy:

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday Funday

Well, maybe not Funday, maybe more like Creepyday.  What follows are some vintage Valentine's Day cards. Some plain weird, and others downright horrifying. (Yeah, I'm a week late.  It happens.)

Yeah, screw you, there's plenty more fish in the sea.  Oh yeah, and be my Valentine, will ya?

Are you sure they didn't mean pork instead of pig?

I don't know what this says, but I find the rabbit terrifying. 
And the bestiality theme rather weird.

I don't even know what to say about this grammatically challenged mess of offensiveness.

How 'bout I hold this fiery hot brand to your ass for minute, so everyone knows you're my Valentine?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Sick Time

Pharmacy I worked at had a germ freak.  When she worked the pharmacy counter, she was so freaked out that she would catch whatever the customer was getting medicine for that she wore latex gloves and a surgical mask.

She was told to cut it out because she freaked out the customers.

Ya know, I actually think of that sometimes.  For example, receptionists in doctor's offices.  How do they NOT catch a million different things? Wonder if they are allowed extra sick time than most...

Nameless, I am sending you a Thesaurus so you can find a synonym for freak/freaked.  'Cause you use those words an awful lot. You're welcome.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Is That A Squeegee Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The company I work for washes windows.  One day one of my co-workers ( a new hire) was assigned to do a hotel, five stories tall.  The day after he got fired.

Turned out, as he was rapelling in his harness from window to window, he purposely left his fly open so his "junk" would be on display.  Only one person noticed, but that was more than enough to get him fired.
Hmm, I don't get it.  Seems a perfectly legitimate way to pick up chicks.

Be sure to keep your 'squeegee' in your pants, HarnessHarry!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Bitchin' Server

I worked at one of those big chain restaurants, and we had, like, a gazillion waitresses. The place was always packed and hectic. One girl I worked with, Sue, had a bad work ethic. Some days she came in hungover, others she was just plain cranky and bitchy. When she knew she'd be having a bad day and giving crappy service, she would introduce herself as Kelly, a waitress that no one liked. So all her customer complaints were about Kelly and not who had REALLY sucked, good old Sue.

If I head to a chain restaurant and get a bitchy waitress that introduces herself as Kelly, you know I am going to be thinking twice...

Just be sure to not piss off Sue, AndreaPensy!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Butt-Sniffing Shopper

Hunt Is On For Bizarre Butt-Sniffing Shopper

Dec 22nd 2009 By Tom Cullen

We consider ourselves weird-news experts. We've been reporting the more bizarre worldly goings-on for years now, and few things surprise us.

Then, a man sniffing the backside of a shelf stacker hits the headlines and we haven't got a clue what's going on anymore.

Plymouth, England, police are searching for the bespectacled pervert, aged about 40, who smelled the co-op worker's bum at least 20 times on consecutive weekends.

CCTV footage shows the 5-foot-9-inch oddball pretending to pick items off shelves before crouching behind the shelf stacker. With his face near his victim's derriere, he seems take a whiff -- and once gets so close his nose touches the man.

Click through to watch the footage. Admit it, you're intrigued.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Office Athletics

Who says you can't enjoy some sporting fun at the office?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine 4

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

(Did the Washington Post really have this competition?  I really don't know.  I got this from my very first Valentine, my Dad, and we know how his stuff can be:  see Correction.  But I find it amusing, so who cares.  Thanks, Dad, love ya!  Keep sending me stuff!)

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes .......
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Friday, February 12, 2010

Sleeping On The Job

Unfortunately, I always have trouble getting into this deep of a sleep at work. But I will keep trying!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Weatherman Freakout

I kinda love this guy:

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Pull Harder!!

I work in a nursing home and I'd have to say the worst person to work with there is this one CNA (nurse aide) who thinks she is perfect. I'll call her Sue. She's even worse when there are new people around. No one can put the can liner in better than her, make the beds better than her, brush their teeth better than her and so on.
One day I was training a new CNA when my favorite CNA, Sue, was coming onto shift. Right there is front of the new CNA she chewed me out for improper peri-care (cleaning the "private" areas) on a male resident from the day before.
The new CNA was terrified of cranky Sue as I just stood there and listened to her diatribe of how I didn't clean the resident properly. I didn't pull the foreskin back down after cleaning him and now it is stuck and she had to go report it to the nurse because she couldn't pull his foreskin down over the tip of his penis. She spent about a half hour trying to pull it down and then spent time on each round and I had totally ruined the guy and he would need surgery.
I let her finish and told her sorry, crap happens. Gave report and left.
As we got to the break room I started laughing and explained to the new girl (and the oncoming nurse) that the man is circumcised. He doesn't have any foreskin to pull down. But I'm sure he totally loved the peri-care the night before that he got from Sue.
The new CNA learned quickly that no one is as good as Sue.

Oh my.  The image I have of a nurse's aid yanking on an old guy's non-existent foreskin is just...well....uncomfortable.

Poor guy.

This one was a cut above, whoever you are and didn't leave a name!  Thanks!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Scoop The Poop

I work in the maintenance department of a state park.  The park is very popular with dog walkers, and there are signs all over about scooping your dog's poop. many people do not bother.  So it totally sucks for us, the people who have to clean it up, but also for the hikers and playing children who step in (or roll on, in the case of the children) a fecal landmine.  We see people all the time, standing there while their dog poops, and then nonchalantly walking away like the rest of the world are their servants and they are too good to clean up after themselves.  You can only imagine how mad we get...

So mad that when one day my co-worker saw this happening though an office window, he ran outside, picked up the fresh poop with his BARE HANDS and hurled it at the dog owner while screaming "Pick up after your dog, you pig!"  The poo hit the guy square in the back, streaking down the back of his jacket as it slid off. 

Good thing the guy was more embarrassed about breaking  the Pooper Scooper Law than angry and just rushed to his car and took off without reporting anyone.
Ew, did he just get in his car and lean back on the seat in his caca coat?

By the way, while we are on this subject, I hate when people don't clean up after their dog.  There is a woman who walks all the way from her house about a quarter of a mile away to the street where I live, where she lets her two dogs poop freely without a baggie or scooper in sight.  On people's lawns.  Where kids play.  And I fall down when I've had a few too many.

Anyway, lady, I have my eye on you, and next time I see you, the poo will be flying.  Beware, I have VERY good aim.

Your job kinda stinks, doesn't it, RandyHanson?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Richard Bastard

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.
FYI:  Snopes - Rich Bastard

Too bad they didn't have a customer actually named Richard Bastard.  Coulda covered their asses with him.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Superbowl Sunday Silliness

In honor of a big day for (American) football:

AHHHHHH!!  His head must still be in the helmet!!

Seriously, you couldn't pay me enough to do this...

Well, I don't think so anyway.  Make an offer and we'll see.

Let's leave these two alone for some privacy, shall we?

Moving on...

You need to be in great physical shape to be an athlete.
Or maybe not.

Punting the balls.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Spritz Ditz

I work at a high end department store.  Do you know those annoying women who stand around and try to spray you with perfume?  Well, the one at our store was a very nervous young girl.  She would stammer and stutter when asking to spray people, and when she would finally get one to agree, she would be so rattled that she would never check to see which way the spray nozzle was pointing.  She'd just grab her bottle and spray away.  This resulted in people who never agreed to being sprayed getting it from two feet away, pissing them off royally.  The fancy dress section she stood next to got such a good dosing that at lot of the clothes had droplet marks on them from the perfume and reeked of it - not good for sales.  The final straw was when she raised her spray bottle from hell and sprayed a woman - right in her left eye.

What's the problem with that?  Who doesn't want a fragrant eyeball?  The burning subsides eventually, and the resulting scent can be quite lovely.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Some years ago, the famous San Diego Zoo opened a second, larger branch called the San Diego Wild Animal Park. The Park is built around an enormous open-field enclosure where the animals roam free. To see the animals, visitors ride on a monorail called the Wgasa Bush Line which circles the enclosure. Here's the true story of how the Wgasa Bush Line got its name.

They wanted to give the monorail a jazzy, African sounding name. So they sent out a memo to a bunch of zoo staffers saying, "What shall we call the monorail at the Wild Animal Park?" One of the memos came back with "WGASA" written on the bottom. The planners loved it and the rest is history. What the planners didn't know was that the zoo staffer had not intended to suggest a name. He was using an acronym which was popular at the time. It stood for "Who gives a sh*t anyhow?"

I came across this one and thought "Nah, can't be true."  But Snopes says it's true! Yay!

What sort of employee answers a memo with "Who gives a sh*t?"  Probably one that wants to get fired.  Instead of fired, though, he became the employee that named a monorail after poop. 

But then again, WGASA.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008

A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.

Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.

The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.

The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees.  I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this.  "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."