More Resume Idiocy....

 These blunders are courtesy of Robert Half International's Resumania.:

"SKILLS: Committed to meeting deadline."
Just one?

"HOBBIES: Michael Bolton."
That's a first.

"SKILLS: I'm try-lingual."
She either speaks three languages or has trouble with just one.

"COVER LETTER: I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver."
Easy for you to say.

"EQUIPMENT: Human brain 1.0."
We'll wait for the upgrade.

"POSITION DESIRED: Profreader."
It doesn't look good...

"DATE OF EMPLOYMENT: 2002-9999."
She's earned her gold watch!

"EDUCATIONAL ACHIEVEMENTS: Maintained a 2.0 GPA."
We can't "C" why you highlighted this fact.

"REFERENCES: Scott."
We'll need a little more to go on.

"EXPERIENCE: Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."
You'll love our vending machine.

"EXPERIENCE: Only employee of a small distribution company."
Can't get much smaller than that.

"APPLICATION: Q: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."
OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

"PERSONAL: I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking."
That's seven words.

"REASON FOR LEAVING: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
We're glad you're not bitter.

"OFFICE EQUIPMENT: Stapler."
Did you find it tough to master?

"EXPERIENCE: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

"EXPERIENCE: I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."
Sounds like you may be going in circles.

"COMPENSATION: My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
And bonuses "tied to" your shoe size?

"WORK EXPERIENCE: Responsibilities included checking customers out."
And then did you rank them on a scale of 1-to-10?

"CURRENT SALARY: $36,000. Salary desired: $250,000."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sunday Silliness

Check out engrish.com for more funny translations...

Well, at least they supply the fork so you can eat your big dump.  

WTF kind of nails require this manicure set?!?!

In their defense, you do have to remove a pin to make it function, like a grenade.  But that's where the similarities end as far as I can tell.

Damn, there goes my plans to barf on the floor while simultaneously rubbing myself on the wall.  

Wash in coleslaw.  Makes sense to me.

Amusing Resume Mistakes

These are quite amusing.....

Resume Mistakes That Keep Hiring Managers Amused But Cost You the Interview
By Barbara Safani


Think resume typos are no big deal? Last year, Accountemps, a temporary staffing firm, interviewed 150 senior executives from some of the nation's largest companies. Forty percent of the respondents said that just one typo on a resume would cause the candidate to be eliminated. Thirty-six percent said it would take just two mistakes before the resume was put in the "no" pile. Here are some of my favorite resume bloopers I found via Job Mob, Resume Hell, and Zimbio. Obviously spell-check isn't all it's cracked up to be.

• Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement 
• Professional headline: 1 year old marketing executive
  
• Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget.
  
• Explanation of employment gap: career break in 1999 to renovate my horse
  
• References: Referees available upon request
  
• Skills: I am a rabid typist
  
• Strengths: Impersonal skills
  
• Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians
  
• Education: College: August 1880 to May 1984
  
• Cover letter: I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.

And just how much information on a resume is too much?

• Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a regular basis
  
• Personal Information: Married, eight children, prefer frequent travel
  
• Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years-but many words are inappropriate for business
  
• Reason for leaving last job: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia
  
• Achievements: Nominated for prom queen
  
• Education: Finished eighth in a class of ten
  
• Interests: Gossiping
  
• Awards: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes
  
• References: Bill, Tom, Eric - but I don't know their phone numbers
  
• Salary: The higher the better
  
• Cover letter: Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated

Sunday Silliness

I love live TV:

Sunday Silliness

Don't be the first one to pass out at a party...or else!

I think he's sporting about a B-cup, wouldn't you say?

And his belly button is named Richard.

Commuting gets very, very tiring.

Is that a playground? Now that's klass with a capital K!

The orange wax-like hand of the prankster intrigues me much more than the passed out dude.

Aw, he probably went in to help her hold her hair back, but then realized that the cold tile floor, stall wall and general public bathroom funk looked oh-so-comfortable.

From the I Hope That's Not Permanent Marker files:

How in the hell do you sleep through all that?!?!

The stress of finding nuts can turn anyone to the bottle.

Sunday Funday

As these vintage ads show, apparently, in the past, drugs were no biggie:

Seems they were also know as "Black Beauties".

AKA Meth-amphetamine.

By the way, this soothing syrup was 65% morphine.  Now that IS soothing.

Cocaine - at your local soda fountain.

How to deal with a crisis:  see above.

In the 70s Quaaludes made for one happy dad.

Sunday Silliness

Failblog.org is awesome:

Hope ahead...at the winery.  Makes sense to me.

Infinite loop!  Ha!!

Ahhh, my eyes!  Gah!

I don't think he really needs that hard hat.  He has more than enough natural protection.  I would be amused to see him try to stretch those ear-plug cords to reach his ears though.

Another person who should not procreate.

But probably will.

Least Influential People of 2010

I found this rather amusing:

Least Influential People of 2010
By Joel Stein Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

LOSERS

"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.

Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.

Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.

People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.

Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"

Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.

MORONS

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.

Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.

Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.

Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.

Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.

Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.

Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.

Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.

Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.

Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.

Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.

David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.

FLAMEOUTS

Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?

H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.

Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.

Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.

Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.

The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.

Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.

Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.

Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.

Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.

Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.

Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.

General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.

Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.

SLIMY BASTARDS

John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.

Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.

Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.

Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.

Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.

Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.

Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.

Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.

Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.

Finally...Graphs That Make Sense

How many times have you gotten a friend request, and just said "Ugh, really?!?!?"  C'mon, you know you have!

 I rarely use it yet Adobe is always updating itself and demanding that you restart your computer...or else.  

Is it  too early to start drinking?

Actually, for me, its my dog.  Will follow a laser light for hours.  Damn funny.

Heh.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.
-- Yoda

Heading out to catch me some crickets for dinner.

Sunday Silliness

Some people probably should not be parents.  Cases in point:

"Nah, kids, they just put that wall there to be annoying, not for any safety reasons or anything.  But I got an idea...."

I always say you're never to young to learn how to use a deadly weapon.

Who's taking pictures of my kid? 

On a side note, my cart is filled the same way.  But it's a full sized adult cart, of course.

I like the special little chair she's got for him.  How innovative!  And I'm sure it has a seat belt attachment. So, no safety issues here, nosirree!!

Fiber Optic Aliens

I was in a meeting the other day, presenting some stuff to a group of people.  One woman was FLOORED by what she called "the amazing technology".  Mind you, I was demonstrating some very basic stuff.  Since it appeared she was none too bright, I thought I'd play with her a little bit.  So I told her "Yeah, all this technology came from the aliens at Roswell, even fiber optics and all that".  Her eyes almost bugged out of her head as she bought my bull.  Then I suggested that the best road trip ever would be to get an RV and go to Roswell, to which she replied "I'd LOVE to do that, that is so going on my bucket list."

That was a fun meeting.

Road trip to a desert in New Mexico!  Yeah!! Wahoo!

That was sarcasm, by the way.

I don't know if that was exactly a nice thing to do, but it sure was an amusing one,  MyFavoriteGuy!

Sunday Funnies

Help wanted:

Aw, crap, and I was all dressed and ready for my interview:

Anyway, moving on....

Siriusly, it's kinda sad when people learn to spell from satellite radio.

I wat you to helf me understand the little cat ears in the lower corner.

 

I don't have one, so I'd better get out there and commit some crimes so I can get this job!

Inspires ambition, doncha think?

I don't know which scares me more - their desire for freaks and misfits, or the idea of a Tiny Tea Tent.

Is this also in the Tiny Tea Tent?  "Today's entertainment - watch our piano player perform while opening clams - simultaneously!"

Bloopers

I've been a little remiss in posting this week, due to an illness in the family BUT......things are looking up!!  So until I can get back into posting gear, here's a bit of entertainment:

Fun In The Operating Room

So there's this bunch of Nurse Anesthetists who perform medical parodies - and it's pretty funny stuff.  They are called the Laryngospasms and you can visit their website here.


Who knew you could have so much fun in the OR?

Sunday Funday

Some gems from There I Fixed It:

I don't blame this person for worrying about their car being stolen.  I mean, a mint condition ride like this...

I actually find this kind of bizarrely clever.

Yeah, this one isn't so clever.  In fact it's rather shocking (ba da bum).

Another one that seems kinda like a good idea to me - if you live close enough to bike to your grocery, how else could you carry a bunch of bags?   

And another not so good idea. 

And finally - uses for duct tape are endless, doncha think?