Monday, November 30, 2009

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!*

My blogging buddy, Dale, over at Stroke of Living, said some really nice stuff about Crazy People I've Worked With in her post Mensa Quote Monday - A Tribute.  So head on over there to read it, and stay on to read all her other great stuff.  You won't be disappointed!

Thanks, Dale!

*Thanks to Sally Field, as well!

Most Awesome Lifetime Movie Titles Ever

Every once in a while I come upon something on this great world wide web that cracks me up to no end. 

This is one of those occasions:

Most Awesome Lifetime Movie Titles Ever

November 16, 2009
By: Chris Jordan
Nobody quite does movies like Lifetime.

We come to celebrate Lifetime movies, not bury them. We love our Lifetime movies, because we love watching as the placid veneer of suburbia is invariably shattered in each one. On Lifetime, a typical soccer mom will find herself in an unusual or dangerous -- or unusually dangerous -- situation, like tied up in the trunk of a car, or go-go dancing at the local sleaze-o-rama.

And, of course, the titles are priceless. Where else can you watch movies like the classic Kirsten Dunst drama '15 and Pregnant,' or 'Single White Female 2: The Psycho'? Not on NBC, that's for sure.

Below, we've selected the 15 most awesome Lifetime movie titles ever.

'I Me Wed'

No, it's not a Tarzan movie on Lifetime. The syntactically challenged 'I Me Wed' (2007) tells the story of a frustrated 30-year-old gal whose friends keep bugging her about getting married. So, like any normal woman, she decides to get engaged to herself and plans a whole wedding around it. Then things start to get messy when she meets a guy named Colin, and can't figure out whether to pursue him or continue with her wedding (because cheating on yourself still counts as cheating, right?).

'Crimes of Passion: She Woke Pregnant'

Since when did getting pregnant become a crime? Lynda Carter (aka Wonder Woman) co-stars in this 1996 drama based on a real-life incident, in which a woman (Michele Greene), well, wakes up pregnant. The twist: The father isn't her husband (it was the dentist!). Don't ask us how. Just watch -- and pass the laughing gas while you're at it.

'Touching Wild Horses'

Touching, mind you, not riding. In this classic equine tearjerker, 12-year-old Mark finds himself in desperate need of a relationship after a car accident kills his sister and father, and leaves his mom in a coma (nothing melodramatic about that). He's then sent to live with his aunt (Jane Seymuor) on an island populated by only one other person, where he's specifically told not to touch the wild horses. We assume he does, anyway -- in a "touching" way, of course.

'Mother Trucker: The Diana Kilmury Story'

Kilmury takes on the Teamsters, the Mafia, sexism and anything else that gets in the way of her drive to rid her truckers' union of corrupt officials in this 1996 film. She's rough and tough; a real mother trucker, we'd say. Norma Rae would be proud.

'Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy'

It's difficult for us to make fun of this one, because breast cancer isn't exactly a laugh-out-loud topic. But at least we find out why Geralyn Lucas (played here by 'Scrubs'' Sarah Chalke) wore lipstick to her mastectomy (lipstick builds confidence, ladies!). It's classic Lifetime, this one, as a pivotal scene takes place in a strip joint (no, not the actual mastectomy, thank God).

'To Be Fat Like Me'

The subject of 2007's 'To Be Fat Like Me' (played by Kaley Cuoco) isn't really fat; she's just a pretty teen in a fat suit. It's all for a documentary contestant that she enters after a softball injury sidelines her chances of getting a scholarship to college. OK, we'll admit that doesn't sound too bad. But the title? Big mistake.

'A Fare to Remember'

We took one look at the premise of this movie (a young exec is forced to cab it from Seattle to Los Angeles, and winds up falling for her driver, played by Malcolm Jamal-Warner) and all we could say was ... oh, hell no.

'Co-ed Call Girl'

No silly double entendre or pointless pun here. This salacious, sleazy title delivers it straight -- just the way we like it. What's a struggling co-ed to do when she doesn't want to take out student loans or work in a fast food joint to pay for her college tuition? Why, sell her body, of course! Makes perfect sense -- except for the fact that it stars Tori Spelling.

'Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life'

Junior is searching out porn on the Internet instead of doing his homework in this 2005 cautionary tale starring Kelly Lynch. At first glance, the title suggests a wayward husband who is surfing the Net, looking for goodies. It just goes to show the depth these Lifetime movie titles can have.

'Honeymoon With Mom'

What sounds worse than getting dumped at the altar? Spending your honeymoon with your mom -- which is supposedly what happens in this comedy co-starring 'Cheers' alum Shelley Long (oh, how the mighty have fallen!). We're guessing the honeymoon phase ended pretty quickly for this pair (seriously, what happened to boundaries?).

'My Stepson, My Lover'

Probably the creepiest Lifetime movie title ever -- and that's saying a lot. This 1997 film is called an "adultery drama" on Lifetime's webstie, but isn't this kind of veering into incest territory? Wait, never mind -- we don't want to know. Rachel Ward stars in this Oedipal odyssey of cheating and passion.

'Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear'

Baby monitors have been around since the 1930s, which is why we can't believe it took Hollywood this long to write a movie about them. But apparently, the wait was worth it, in this 1998 thriller about a nanny (Josie Bissett) whose affair with a married man -- wait for it -- goes terribly wrong.

'Mother, May I Sleep With Danger'

Sounds like mom didn't do a good job of raising her young one if this is posed as a serious question. But at least the questioner is asking her mother for permission; mother-daughter communication is always a good thing. Also, note the proper usage of "May I." Darn it, mom did something right!

'Do You Know the Muffin Man?'

The Muffin Man? No, but it sounds like he's a good guy to know . He's the guy who makes muffins, right? Nope. It's actually a 1989 film about sexual assaults at a pre-school camp, loosely based on the infamous McMartin case of the 1980s. Thank you, Lifetime, for the muffin buzz kill. We thought we were in for a good time.

'What If God Were the Sun'

What if God were the sun? We can answer that. The Incas believed that God was the sun, and their empire was attacked and defeated by Spain in the 16th century. They were brutally oppressed by the Spaniards, and then European diseases all but wiped out the last of the Incas. What if God were the sun? Trust us: it's not a pretty sight (although, admittedly, it would make for a good Joan Osbourne song).

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Sunday Funday

Some of the strangest personal ads ever.  I am really loving these!

There is just so much here that is, well, astounding, that I am frankly overwhelmed.  Although really, aren't we all looking for a blue-balled carnie?

Well, this one isn't looking for love (or someone to poop on their face - ah, the romance makes me misty eyed!), but if you're in the market for a rancid partial turkey (Both drumsticks! Bargain!), I think $23.00 is a good deal.

"Get me a woman! Any woman!  From legal adult to nearing death! Whatever you've got will do..."

It just occurred to me - sir, have you heard about the 8 day old turkey that's available?

Kind of clever. But when you read it the way she would like you to, that good reputation part goes right out the window.

PIG. That title just gets right to the point, no? Wonder if he called?

Friday, November 27, 2009

The Mensa Invitational - Part Deux

For those of you who enjoyed Tuesday's post, here's another in a similar vein:

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are: (we are so in need of a drumroll here)

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. -

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Time to celebrate when the Pilgrims and Native Americans joined together to share a bountiful feast and enjoy the companionship of each other.

And the next day returned to swindling the other out of their native land (Pilgrims, of course) and collecting scalps to decorate their teepees with (Native Americans, duh).

Anyhow, this is amusing if you've got a spare minute while your turkey is roasting:

Wacky Web Tales - My Amazing Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Turkey En Flambé

'Tis the day before Thanksgiving, so I figured a crazy Turkey Day story is in order:

This year we were running late because I had forgotten a special bottle of wine I wanted to share and we'd gone back home to get it. Dinner was supposed to be served at 4:00 and we finally arrived at 3:30. As we walked down the path to their front door, we were greeted by my sister in law yelling, "Gang way - watch out - coming through" and out of the front door she ran with a pot of heavily smoking artichokes. Little did we know what was in store. As we walked in the kitchen, we noticed on the table a completely uncooked totally raw - turkey. (Remember dinner was supposed to be ready in a half an hour?) "Oh don't worry," they said, "we're barbecuing the turkey and it only takes 45 minutes." Except the barbecue hadn't been started yet.

It seems they were just getting to that when they discovered that the briquettes were wet. So rather than going to the store and getting new ones they decided that they had a solution to getting those wet briquettes to ignite -- gasoline! So, just imagine, if you will, a wooden porch with overhanging pine trees. Yeah. After a dose of gasoline, they were right -- the briquettes did light -- shooting three-foot high flames onto the eves of the wooden house. So they put the lid on the Weber and proceeded to wrap the turkey in aluminum foil. "Don't worry, this is how we had planned on cooking it anyway."

Finally as it was getting dark, they were ready to put the turkey on the grill. Quickly they opened the lid. The column of flame shot up anew and they literally threw the turkey on the grill and slammed the lid down. After a few minutes we saw seriously angry flames shooting out of every air hole in the barbecue. Some were leaking out between the top and bottom of the Weber. The fat in the turkey had reached flash point and it was burning out of control. About 30 minutes (and several glasses of wine) later, it was decided that the turkey was probably done cooking and we should probably take it off the grill. A roof high column of flame shot up as they took off the lid. OK, so how do we get the turkey off the grill with all those flames? Using a fireplace poker, the turkey was pushed of the grill where it landed on the wooden deck, still burning furiously. The fat of the turkey and the foil were one as it kept right on burning.

By now there was talk of calling the fire department. But rather than do that, it was decided that someone needed to "put the turkey (fire) out." Of course, using a fire extinguisher would wreck the turkey (like it wasn't ruined already?) so my father-in-law and my nephews grabbed the first thing at hand -- bathroom sized dixie cups -- and began to "spoosh" the flames out. After a few minutes (and a bit more wine) it was finally out. Now, I don't know who decided it was still edible -- but as was family tradition my father-in-law carved and served that turkey - crispy on the outside and raw on the inside -- and we ate stuffing and burnt artichokes while we enjoyed taking pictures of the inedible bird. -- Karen Frank, Pleasant Hill, CA
Thanks to Holidash  for this, ahem, turkey.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Mensa Invitational

Nothing to do with co-workers, but it's funny!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Yo, Taxi!

I am a cabbie in NYC.  One of my fellow cabbies is a born and bred New York Italian guy.  But because his hair and complexion are so dark, he gets mistaken for being from the Middle East all the time.  He decided to use this to his advantage.  When people he obviously spots as tourists or foreigners (he knows not to try it on the natives) get into his cab, he pretends to speak limited English.  By acting like he doesn't understand his passengers, he winds up taking long routes and going totally out of his way to their destination, thereby jacking up the meter.

He says it works best with people from the Midwest; they are afraid to complain and actually tip him MORE because they feel bad for the poor non-fluent immigrant.
Anyone going to visit NYC, watch out for the cabbie with the Middle Eastern accent that has a distinct underlying native New Yawk twang. 

Yo, BillyBoyo, thanks!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Sunday Silliness

I always like to see before and after pictures, that way I can know what results to expect after using the product:

Same shirt, same necklace - it's got be her!  I need a truckload of this stuff...

Please, for the love of God, let him exhale before his head explodes...

and it looks like they let her exhale a little too soon. 

Who knew having clean teeth could age you so much?

And the magic is that they gave you someone else's dog! Tada!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Many years ago I worked with a man who hated his job and made it clear to everyone how badly he wanted to get fired.  Our boss knew this, but wanted to force him to quit rather than allow him to get severance and collect unemployment.  So it became a contest of wills.

The fellow who wanted to be fired took to wearing increasingly bizarre outfits to work.  Its started with a robe and pajamas and went all the way to full on drag.  The boss pretended nothing was amiss with his clothing, while at the same time piling more and more weird tasks on him, such as watering the front lawns (while he was dressed as a woman), trying to force him to quit.  At this point the rest of us workers were truly enjoying whatever new spectacles that these two had for us each day.  Work was most certainly not dull.

It finally became too much when the one who wanted to be fired decided to let his personal hygiene slide.  No more bathing, toothbrushing or changing his clothes anymore.  That's when it became unbearable for the rest of us, and we forced our boss's hand.

He was handed his walking papers with a big 'YOU WIN' written across them.

Great ideas!  I am so getting out the panty hose, high heels and a dress to wear Monday morning so I can get outta this job...

Oh, crap, that's not gonna work for me since I'm female, will it?  And I'm just not willing to go the poor hygiene route.

Or am I?

Thanks to GrannyBee!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Oompa Loompa Bimbo

Our receptionsist prior to the one we have now was a real ditz.  Bimbo would be a good description actually.  She had a huge mound of bleached hair teased all around her head, wore shirts that put her cleavage front and center, skirts that barely covered her butt, chewed gum at all times, and used fake tanner to create an Oompa Loompa-like hue.

One day I noticed that the front desk phone was riginging like crazy, but it seemed that none of the calls were being transferred back to any of us, which was odd.  So I walked up quietly behind her and watched for few moments.

It seems that when things got hectic, she figured out the way to lessen her workload was to answer each line, say "please hold", and then hang up rather than pressing hold.  When our boss confronted her about this practice, she tried to defend herself by saying that she was helping out everyone that worked there because only about half the people called back. She claimed she was eliminating uneccessary calls, because if it was REALLY important, they would have called back. 

I am really, REALLY hoping you don't work at the 911 call center.

Please hold, GrecianSea, for your thank you!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's Three Turdy

Dude I work with is an idiot.  He will do anything anyone dares him to.  We dared him to drink White-Out; he did it.  We dared him to eat a handful of the hottest pepper known to man, the jalapeno, (actually, the hottest pepper known to man is the Naga Jolokia pepper, but please, continue...) and he did it.

One day someone brought in a dried up piece of one of his dog's turds, but didn't tell the dude what it was, just dared him to eat it.  And he did!!

Never laughed so hard in my life!

Daring people to eat dog turds has usually run its course around time elementary school ends.  But good for you for keeping this time honored childhood tradition going!

A White-Out covered, hot pepper flavored dog turd is on it's way to you for this one, HeroMan.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Free My Willy

Back in high school, I worked at a video rental store.  One of the guys I worked with thought it was hysterical to switch the tapes around into the incorrect boxes.  His favorite was to put pornos into kid's movie boxes.  When people would come back irate, he would just blame the customer that had the tape previously.

I really have to say, that's kinda sick getting kicks outta the possibility of exposing kids to that kinda stuff.

But anyway...

So the movies they got were more like Throbbin' Hood, Mary Poopins and Free My Willy? 

Oy, that was bad.

Not gonna get my movies from your place, GrandSlammer (even your name sounds a little porn-y, ya know?)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Small Birds And Big Men

Two guys I work with have an intense football team rivalry going on. One is insane about the Giants, the other is equally loony about the Eagles.

One Monday after watching their teams play Sunday, the two of them got into a heated argument. This argument eventually became a screaming match until the Eagles fan took a swing at the Giant guy. Then it was all out war, rolling on the ground fighting like their lives depended on it - all while dressed in suits and ties. A bunch of us broke up the fight, and the men retreated to their offices with their bloody noses and bruises.

The best part is that these were two VPs of a mediation company - we are supposed to defuse situations, not ignite them.

I find this one even funnier if you go back and reread it assuming that the eagles guy is a fan of our fine feathered friends and the giants guy is enamored with people of huge stature. Heh.

We appreciate you punting this one our way, TeddyG.!  (Yeah, I know.  That was bad.  Hey, I try.)

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Perfect Job....

Whoever gets hired for this job will probably be the subject of some awesome crazy co-worker stories in the future:

Reefer madness

Journalism is going up in smoke... Westword, a weekly newspaper in Denver, is looking for a pothead with some writing skills for what must seem like a drug-induced dream: a job reviewing marijuana.
Colorado allows the sale and use of medical marijuana, and the paper says its reviewer must have an ailment that allows him or her to legally purchase it. But with pot prices of up to $130 an ounce, the paper says someone needs to be able to tell customers which ones are worth the (medical) money. Talk about your Rocky Mountain highs!
I wonder if the expense acount will cover the munchies?

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sunday Funnies

Lower back tattoos are popular these days.

But maybe not these versions...

You know, I found him annoying too, but this is a bit extreme.  Besides, I'm wondering what the situation would have to be for 'Ray Romano' to actually SEE this message...

And then I get.....?

No thanks.

Because that's what God always wanted for the bible.  For it to be written on people's asses.

Aw, was this a gift for them?  They must be so proud.
And instead of wearing that uncomfortable looking pink ruffly thing, take a page from this girl's book...

permanent thong!

What a beautiful way to honor the dead - on the space above your ass crack.

And lastly- a moldy, rotting butterfly with what appears to be a detached human, ahem, 'member' for a body.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Peein' Petey

I work in an office with a big open floor plan that's all filled with cubicles everywhere the eye can see.  The worst positioned cubicle has got to be the one in the way back corner, it's pretty dark and remote.  Nobody in their right mind would want that one, except for Petey.

Petey would disappear into his cubicle every morning, and not reappear until quitting  time.  We figured he must have brought food in to eat at his desk, but what about bathroom issues?  We nicknamed him BB for Bionic Bladder behind his back.

The mystery was solved when the cleaning company's head honcho called our boss to tell him that his workers would no longer empty the wastebasket full of pee from the farthest cubicle anymore.
Apparently you have a problem with efficent workers.  He came up with a strategy to eat to take care of all his needs while never even leaving his desk.  I commend him for his ingenuity.

I still kinda wonder about, well, number two.  Has anyone checked his desk drawers?

AndrewPotter, be very careful if you go into his desk to borrow his scissors!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Painting The Town, And The Bathroom, Red

I run a painting company.  One of the guys on my crew reported to work one morning totally trashed.  I would have told him to go the hell home and sleep it off, but that would have left me one man down and our client  wanted her project done and over with that day and I needed all hands on deck to meet the deadline.

As we were painting the bathroom, drunk guy is reaching up to paint a spot when he loses his balance.  He grabs the shower rod to stop himself from falling.  The rod pulls out of the wall, and he crashes into a ladder with an open, full can of paint on it.  Dark red paint goes flying all over, including the already painted white ceiling and trim.  I guess all the commotion made him feel sick, so he abruptly bent over and puked into the bathtub.

Seriously, the red covered bathroom looked like I had done what I really wanted to do to at that moment - massacre him.  I fired him, and then it took a few days to repair the damage and worst of all, I had to do it all for free.

I'm sure that client has given you many glowing recommendations and can't wait to use you guys for any future home remodeling.


Better luck with future employees, PaulieThePainter!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I Want A New Drug

My coworker is the Queen of Grammar and Vocabulary.  If you send her a quickly written email that had typos in it, but you figured, 'eh, what's the big deal it's only going to her and I'm in a rush', well, you'd be wrong.  To her it is a BIG DEAL.  She will copy it back to you with all your mistakes highlighted and corrected, but worst of all, she will not reply until it is corrected to her satisfaction.

She also corrects people when they are speaking.  Two of her biggest pet peeves are when people say anyways and alls, to which she will start yelling - "THERE IS NO S ON THE END!! THERE IS NO S!!!".  And once someone used drug as the past tense of drag, and her reply was "Is the past tense of brag, brug?  How about lag? Is it lug?  If I am gagging, did I gug?  NO. THEREFORE, IT'S DRAGGED, NOT DRUG!!".
ome people have complained about her to our boss but he says there is nothing wrong People have complained about her to our boss but he says there is nothing wrong with a little bit of perfectionism.

Well, anyways, alls I have to say is maybe she needs a drug.  And I mean pharmaceutical, not the past tense of drag.

Glad we drug that one outta ya, JellyBeanie!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Farming Fun

When I was a younger man, I used to work on my dad's farm.  One of  farmhands we hired to help us bale hay hated his job and it seemed to make him rather depressed. 

To get out of work he actually stabbed himself throught he foot with a pitchfork, hoping for disability.

Instead he was back two weeks later with a banadge and a limp.  Seems he missed all vital parts and it was just a flesh wound.

So after reading this one, how many of you thought of:

Next time, tell him to use a dirty pitchfork.  The infection might get him a little more time off...

Hay there, Trunco!  Thanks!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Sunday Sillies

I love when people who are supposed to be experts make mistakes.  I suppose it makes me feel better about my less than perfect self.

Aw, come one, who am I kidding.  Less than perfect? Me?  Haha!

Fun with Photoshop mistakes:

That extra hand is just damn creepy.  Like some disembodied hand ghost rising from the sea (okay, just go with me here).

This before and after analysis is so convincing!  I mean, yeah, she seems to only collect fat in four gargantuan folds on her right side, and yeah, she can create the exact same pose (including background), but c'mon, I totally buy it. 

Just can't remember her on Baywatch, though...

The cereal took off the flab on her stomach - and apparently her skin color too.

This frightens the hell out of me.  She looks like those snakes that can unhinge their jaw in order to eat their prey whole.


Removing your right leg is a drastic measure to lose weight, dontcha think?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Ding Dong

I work with someone who likes to brag about the size of his 'manhood'.  He's always fitting it into the coversation somehow.  For example, if we ever use big or huge or any word with the same meaning to describe something, he'll say something along the lines of "Well it's sure as hell not as big as my shlong!"  Doesn't matter what we were talking about; we could've called anything from a dog to a cloud large and he'd bust out with his penis comparison.

He once even made a joke about having to tuck it into his boot.

What happens when he doesn't wear boots?  Does it sneak out his pant leg and trail behind him like a big ol' snail?  Bad if he walks on rough asphalt; the cheese grater effect and all that.

Thanks Melodia!  This one was HUGE!

Friday, November 6, 2009

She Bugs Me

I'm sitting at my desk one day, pecking away on my computer, when I see the woman at the neighboring desk scratching her head furiously.  She has looong hair, down to her waist, and she's digging in there under all that to get to whatever is bothering her.  So I lean over to make a joke and say "Damn, girl, do you have bugs in there or what?"  She replies "Well actually, my son brought home lice from his school and I caught them, but I just can't bear to cut off my hair so I just can't seem to get rid of them!"  And then she laughed, like it was okay that she was spreading her cooties around our office.

I told my boss who told her to use her sick time until it was all cleared up.  I got lice anyway though, and had to cut my own hair and douse myself with RID.  It probably won't suprise you to know I hate her guts.

Holy crap, that's disgusting. Maybe you could casually cough all over her phone and keyboard and tell her "You know, my kid brought home tuberculosis the other day and I seem to have caught it! Tee Hee!"

This one totally gave me the heebie jeebies, MeanJean.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

That Snot Right

Guy I used to work with blew his snot onto the floor of his cubicle.  He did the 'hold one nostril and blow hard' deal and just let them go where the wind might take 'em.

That poor cleaning crew.  I wonder if their vacuums stuck to the boogers, kinda like gum, all gooey and stretchy.


Buy this disgusting creature some tissues, JoeBlow.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Burn, Baby, Burn

I worked for a certain person who would drive me completely insane. She used to eat yogurt with a spoon very slowly as she talked for 2 hours. I found myself staring at the spoon and wishing it would spontaneously combust and burn in a hot metal fire. She also was a fanantic about staples. When she found a staple that was not 2 inches from the top of the page and centered she would remove it and place a post-a-note informing you where to staple and circle the area in red marker. So basically you would have to redo everything. She kept me in an office completely by myself. I was not allowed to eat or talk with other staff. The only hope I had was staring out the window waiting for the delivery driver. It is no wonder my favorite color is brown.

I'm not sure she did the wrong thing by separating you from others. I mean you're wishing that people would combust in yogurt related fires.  Sounds a little crazy, ya know?

Don't worry, brown is a cool color, JHSzurpicki.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Bowling Shoe Fetish

Worked at a bowling alley.  Freakazoid there enjoyed smelling the rental shoes after they had been worn.  Got fired when he started telling people he couldn't find their street shoes. He was smuggling them home in a duffel bag.
I like this almost abrupt, straight to the point writing style.  Sorta like the old fashioned telegrams:


Actually, I think I might just start talking like that in everyday conversations.  Stop.  Should be interesting.  Stop.

That's a good reason to buy your own bowling shoes, Marvin.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

Funny doctor stuff - 'cause we all know being a doctor is a bunch of laughs and crazy, fun times, right?

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

Ok, Dr. Mark, why didn't the woman in the wrong cab object to this?  Was she comatose or dead?  Or are you just really hot so she didn't mind the underwear removal?

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. '"Big breaths" I instructed. '"Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

I bet that poor woman never forgave herself for serving beans the night before...

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. '"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered  "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste."  Bob replied. I then asked  to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

You know, KY Jelly might actually taste better than hospital food. Any of you who have eaten it know what I mean.
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read  'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name

How do you know it was dyed? Maybe she's a natural greenhead.

As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

I wouldn't submit my name either, what kind of freak whistles that song?

*goes off singing into the sunset "Oh I Wish I....*

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Sunday Funnies

You know how when you go on a roller coaster at theme parks they snap your picture as you're going through, and then try to extort insane amounts of money sell it to you on the way out?

Well, if any of these had been mine, I would have paid whatever they asked:

Yeah, that'll ruin everyone's day.

I don't get this one.  Are they trying to do the telephone can/string thing? Did they construct one of these to carry around the park all day?  How did they know they wouldn't be sitting by each other?   Did they request not to be so they could use it?  And is the one guy barfing in his?

Aw, you ruined it by covering your face, ya coward.  It's no fun if all the people standing around the photo booth can't point at you and scream "Look, it's nipple tweaking dude!".

Look at the guy in the front with his rock n' roll hand gestures.  He looks too cool.  And he knows it, you can tell by his face.

"Son, the picture they took of us on the roller coaster came out great!  Let's get a copy for Gran and use it on our holiday cards this year!"