Don't Be A Wiseguy

There was a guy where I worked who liked to act like he was one of the Sopranos, even though he was a tiny little nerdy guy with glasses.  If anyone complained about someone, say a neighbor for example, he'd say "I could have him taken care of for ya" while attempting to look all tough and mysterious (which he was incapable of; it wasn't intimidating at all, just hilarious).  He dyed his hair jet black, greased it back, had huge gold medallions hanging around his neck and walked with this bizarre strut.  Sometimes he'd hang up the phone when someone would walk near him and say "You don't wanna be hearin' any of dat stuff.  Could be bad for ya."  When five o'clock rolled around, he's look at his watch and say things like "Gotta get outta here, got some REAL business to attend to, if ya know what I mean."

The sad part was we all knew he lived with his mother and a whole bunch of cats.  He was just a dork trying to act tough.

That would be genius though! No one would ever suspect him!  I suggest you stay away from Mommy and the cats, if you know what's good for ya.

Thanks to Lil!

Sunday Funday!!

Pictures say a thousand words.  And tell a million stories of stupidity.

                 And I thought the burning hot metal of my youth was bad. 

                 What an electrifying party! It's quite shocking. Heh.

               

   Summer just ain't summer without stitches and broken bones.

"I don't get it why you're complaining.  You said new windows, you got new windows, right?"

                                                        Tonight's entree will be idiot stew.

I would imagine the employees are lining up for the job of emptying that bottle.

You Can't Pick Your Relatives, But You CAN Pick Your Nose!

For the purpose of this post I will call this coworker of mine Stella. Stinky Stella didn't bathe as often as the rest of the world. If she showered once a week I would be surprised. She worked in my department for 7 or 8 years and we complained many times to the supervisor. She would have a talk with Stinky Stella and for a few days she wouldn't stink to high heaven. But it wouldn't be very long that she would start smelling really ripe again. She is very open about telling everyone she picks up guys on the internet, talks to them online and then goes to meet them. She also would talk to her computer and answer the computer sometimes it seemed as though she was having an argument with herself. Part of her daily diet was nose content. She picked her nose and ate it! She is without a doubt the grossest person I have had to work with.

I guess having, ahem, "nose content"  for lunch is good for people on a budget.  Or something. 

Thanks to Di!

Dry Roasted Nuts

I am a personal trainer at a gym.  One of my fellow PTs is odd, to say the least.  After someone as worked out on a bench, he actually hopes they don't wipe it down (they are supposed to, but you'd be suprised how many people don't) and likes to run his hand through the fresh sweat.  He tends to walk around naked a lot in the locker room, long after he's done showering and whatever, as he likes to have conversations with people while nude.  After his shower, he actually blow dries his balls, and does it for long periods of time, sort of like he wants everyone to see him doing this.  He's a whack job, that's for sure.

Ah, nothing like the smell of fried balls in the afternoon.

A big nutty thank you to Greg!

Stuff It

My boss had a stuffed animal fetish. Her office was decorated with rows upon rows of animals that she straightened and gave a little pat to each day.

One day while she was on vacation, we stole them all and hid them in a supply closet. When she came back, she cried and screamed and acted like we had kidnapped her children or something. She was threatening to call the police!! Without anyone directly admitting to the theft, we advised her as to where she could find her "babies". Since she couldn't fire the whole office, we got through it pretty unscathed.

You should have let her call the police. It would have given the 911 operators a bit of a chuckle.

Maybe you should pass on the information about this convention to her.
Thanks to Brant P.!

My Heart Will Go On...

Gina floats one by us:

A woman I work with is obsessed with the sinking of the Titanic. The real event, not the movie, although she likes the film too. She has no connection to the ship whatsoever, none of her ancestors were on it or anything, yet she wears lapel buttons that say things like "Remember the Tragedy" with a picture of the boat. Her office is totally decorated with Titanic paraphernalia. At lunch in the kitchen she will get on the subject and actually sob about all the lives lost. If you don't commiserate with her grief, she will get mad and call you cold and ask why you have no feelings at all about the hundreds that died.

We avoid her at all costs.

I have a sinking feeling that she's nuts.

Axl and Celine

Jane says:

I worked with a guy who insisted who knew all sorts of famous bands and singers. For example, if you said you love Guns & Roses, he supposedly knew them and would say "Give me one of your CDs and I'll have Axl sign it for you." He would do this for pretty much any band or singer, from Celine Dion to Metallica. Anyway, he would bring back your CD with just 'Axl' or 'Celine' written on the corner of the cover page. The funniest part was all the signatures were in the same handwriting - his.

Maybe Axl Rose and Celine Dion DO have the same handwriting. They are so similar in other ways, it could be possible right?

Sunday Funday

If only dogs could talk...wait, maybe they do:

Wenda says:

At the deli I worked in one of the counter guys sliced off a tiny piece of his finger while cutting someone's ham.

It was thin and not really all that noticeable, so he left it in there with the rest of the meat.

Finger sandwiches, anyone?

Swim At Your Own Risk

Surfer007 has today's:

I am one of the guys that cleans the pool at a major resort. When I say major, I mean upscale, ritzy, super expensive, for the snobby upper classes only. You can only imagine how picky the clientele are. If there is a speck of dust in the pool, Mrs. Moneybags-Snobass the Third is calling "Oh pool boy, come do something about this!!" and I have to run and do her bidding.

That's why we all think its so funny at night when we pee, spit, blow our noses and hock up phlegm balls into the pool.

Enjoy your swim!!

Look! What's a jelly fish doing in the pool!?!

Oh, nevermind, it's just a big old booger...

Checking In?

The hotel submission earlier in the week triggered an avalanche of stuff coming out of that industry...

Joanie checks in (I'm so loving my hotel puns!):

A desk clerk worked with me on the late shift that thought it was hysterical to check people into rooms that were already occupied. You can't imagine how scared people were when they were sleeping soundly and someone walks into their room, thinking its theirs, turning on all the lights and dragging their luggage noisily behind them. He got away with it for awhile by acting like he was so upset when the people came to complain (I can't lose my job, please don't report me, etc.); he somehow managed to make them feel bad for HIM.

The final straw was when he checked a person into the hotel room where a married local politician was already staying. The person who came in and turned on the lights found him in bed with another man (who was obviously not his wife).

FIRED!!

Can I assume he won't be getting a good reference?

Secrets in the Walls

Hammer constructs a story:

I'm a construction worker who builds houses. Just to let you know, if you ever rip down a wall to add an addition or whatever, here are a few of the many things you might find behind your walls - food wrappers, beer cans, feces, condoms, cigarettes. On pretty much every house we have built, we've written and drawn very, very nasty things on the two by fours in your walls. And if you were the owner we were building for, quite possibly those nasty things are about you.

I almost want to rip out some of my walls just to see what sorts of treasures lie within...

I'm Beggin' Ya!

Josh says:

His name was Sam and we had hired him as one of our sales people because he was a really handsome guy, movie star handsome. A couple of Playboy Playmates were coming on to him, that's how handsome he was. He was also a super nice guy. His only problem was he wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. One day, while he was taking a lunchtime stroll in midtown Manhattan, he saw a homeless man begging and somehow this particular guy touched his heart. He offered to buy the guy a lunch at a nearby Burger King which of course the homeless guy accepted immediately. It's lunchtime crowded and they finally work their way up to the counter and place an order for burgers, fries, the works. That's when Sam realizes he left the studio without his wallet. He wasn't about to deny the homeless guy the meal he'd ordered so Sam begged for the money to pay the bill from the other customers. They all had a good laugh except Sam.

The best part was when the homeless guy looked at him and said "Ya know, I really coulda done that myself."

That was nice of him. He's HOW good looking? Anyone have his number? If he's that hot who cares if he's a bit dim...

Sheet, That's Disgusting!

TanyaB. has some reservations about this guy (get it? hotel? reservations? I crack myself up!):

The manager at the hotel where I worked was a low down dirty cheater. He was constantly having affairs with disgusting low-class sleazy women, and I always felt horrible for his sweet wife. Anyway, the most repulsive part is that he used the unoccupied hotel rooms for his trysts. And then didn't have housekeeping change the sheets, he just straightened it up himself for the next unsuspecting customer.

So you really liked this guy! I can tell!

Too bad he couldn't at least find some high-class sleazy women.

Sunday Funnies

Sometimes translations just don't come out as they should...


Guess you could manufacture your own...


That little peanut dude is WAY to happy about your colon...


Umm, a wet cat?


This is the secret ingredient you want to use go get your dishes sparkling...


Not only can you now get your brains in a can, but a heart attack too! Check out that cholesterol:


If it's got spots, I wouldn't touch it if I were you...


You can pretty much make soup out of anything, can't ya?


Yum, sausage!


I'm glad we don't have to eat the old, unimproved version...


I guess its highly carbonated which causes...

Happy Hour

Frankie spews this one our way:

A young guy I worked with liked to drink. I don't know if it could be classified as a problem, or just being young and stupid. Anyway, he came into work hungover frequently. One of these days, he spent most of his work time running to and from the bathroom. At one point though, he didn't make it, and threw up stale beer and half digested food all over his desk and keyboard. The smell made a lot of US run to the bathroom to heave. We all got the rest of the day off because the office was basically uninhabitable and the guy got a warning and was made to clean up his mess.

Yeesh, and I have problems getting just dust and crumbs out from between my keyboard keys.

Fruit and Nuts

Food Dude says:

Grocery store worker here. One guy I worked with used to unload the produce from the trucks with me. He found it amusing to take whatever it was - apples, peppers, etc. - stick them down his pants and rub them all over his crotch. And remember, we were doing physical labor, so we were always sweating up a storm...

So THAT'S how the apples get so shiny!!

What's Bugging You?

HoneyBee09 gives us the heebie jeebies:

We had cockroaches in the shared office kitchen. Totally gross, I know, but it seems no one is capable of cleaning up after themselves. But that's not the story here.

"Bill" collected them, and then kept them as pets in a paper clip box in his desk drawer. If he found an ant or spider or any other creepy crawly, he'd throw it in there too.

Did he feed them? Clean their box? Give them names? Did they all get along and play nice together?

Maybe these are the new recession pets - cheap to get and keep. And oh so cuddly. *shudder*

I Love You, I Hate You, I Love You, I...

I found this story, not about a crazy coworker but a crazed girlfriend, and had to share:

They say the key to a healthy relationship is listening to your partner. Never has this been made so starkly evident as in the sad but hilarious story of JD and Em, which is currently burning up the Internet.

While JD claims he talked extensively with his girlfriend about the two-week backpacking trip he was about to take in Europe, she didn't seem to get the message. Below, read the highlights of the two-week chain of unanswered e-mails in which she gets angrier and angrier at his lack of response.

Friday June 1
Hey hun, me again. Tried calling your cell a few times today but it kept going right to voicemail. You're not screening me are you?;)

Sunday, June 3
Why are you not responding to my calls and emails? Where are you?! I waited all night for you to get in touch with me. I'm not happy here babe.

Tuesday June 5
Why are you avoiding me? You're not answering your cell, you won't return my texts.... JD wtf?! I know you're around! Your friend jeremy is such a bullsh***er. When he said he hadn't seen you all weekend I could hear you talking in the background

As JD checks out the old world, the poor guy gets dumped, taken back dumped again and cheated on -- all unbeknownst to him.

Tuesday, June 5
We're through... don't call me, don't text me, don't bother now. You'll never know what you lost, I was the one, and now I feel sorry for you because you'll never have that again. I feel so sorry for you, ha ha ha.

Sunday June 10
Remember that friend of mine that you were jealous of who I said that nuffin ever will happen with well I was crying with him about you and he told me how amazing I was, how he always though so and so I f*****d him to show you I'm right! Now who's the stupid one?

Tuesday June 12
I'm mad and hurt right now. I really felt something between us and now you've gone and thrown it all away and I have no idea why. . . . I know you'll call me tonight. We have a lot to discuss. A lot of bad and good. It may not change things and we may still be broken up, but you at least owe me a conversation. A chance.

Thursday June 14
I tried to reach out to you JD, I really did. But I take back all those nice things I said. I'm glad we're broken up. ... I pretended so many times to like the stupid shows you like, to watch the stupid movies you like, to enjoy spending time with your asinine friends. I've moved on.

The day before JD gets home, Em finally manages to get in touch with his mom, who informs her that he is, in fact, on vacation.

Thursday June 14
subject: OPEN FIRST!!! DO NOT READY ANY OTHER EMAILS!!!
If you love me, you will delete every email I've sent you over the past week without reading it.

JD reads the e-mails, effectively ending their relationship.

My favorite part is where she tells him to delete all other emails. Like that would work. I'm sure it just made him more curious. Duh.

It Took a Toll on Him...

Gary fills us in on his former coworker...

I am a toll taker on a major highway. A few years ago, we suddenly started receiving complaints in the main office about one of the other toll takers. Teddy just completely lost it one day, and after taking a driver's money, instead of the usual thank you, he told them "F*ck You". He sort of mumbled it in the beginning of the day, probably leaving the motorists guessing whether he said what they thought he did or a thank you. But as the day wore on, he started yelling it louder and louder. When our supervisor requested his presence in his office, Teddy came in, said he quit, and left. When a replacement was sent out to his booth, he found a large pile of poop in the corner of the booth.

That was a sh*tty thing to do. Literally.

The Perfect Way to Get Fired

I love, Love, LOVE this drunk chick:



Not cheap, SWEEP!! Yeah, he totally bought that!

Sunday Silliness

We had a flight attendant tale not long ago, so this seems appropriate. Wonder if this is why she was so darn mad all the time?

A User’s Manual to Seat 21C

CONGRATULATIONS ON SELECTING SEAT 21C! This manual is intended to familiarize you with the many options available to you.

Before BUCKLING in, please note that the man standing in the aisle
next to you is about to make a request. He wonders if it would be
okay for you to switch seats with his wife, who is in the middle seat
three rows ahead. She is the one seated between the former linebacker
and the canola oil salesman, and is peering over the seatbacks at you
with wide and imploring eyes.

The man will ask this in a voice sufficiently loud that all
passengers seated within several rows will look up from their sudoku
puzzles and await your answer. If you say no, the passengers will all
wonder: Why do you hate married people? You must be a bitter and
lonely person. Note also that there is no overhead luggage space
three rows ahead, so you will have to wait for the entire plane to
empty to come back and retrieve your bags. Have a good flight up at 18E!

Once permanently seated, grasp both ends of SEAT BELT and press
firmly together. If you hear only a dull metallic clanking sound
rather than a smart “click,” extend half of the seat belt to your
seatmate and awkwardly suggest that he must be sitting on your half.

If you would like a small and insubstantial PILLOW and cannot locate
one, ring the flight attendant call button located directly overhead.
If the flight attendant does not appear within five seconds, press
the button repeatedly and with increasing urgency. If the flight
attendant tells you no more are available, wait five minutes and
repeat process.

On either side of you is an ARMREST. If you look down and see that it
is currently occupied by the ham-sized elbow of your seatmate, it is
often possible to claim your space by simply pressing your clammy
forearm against his with a casualness that suggests that you hadn’t
noticed that you were even touching. (Note: this is effective chiefly
in man-to-man seating configurations.)

Ahead of you is the marsupial-like SEAT BACK POUCH. In it you will
find a magazine featuring ads for foreign language software favored
by farm boys hoping to impress hot Italian models; an emergency
evacuation card depicting families who seem disturbingly calm for
people about to abandon a sinking airliner for a shark-filled ocean;
stray bits of Life Saver foil; and a boarding pass stub from someone
named Richard from Ohio.

Also, you will find the SKYMALL CATALOG, from which you may order a
product called “Poop Freeze,” described as a spray refrigerant that
“chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer ‘crust’ that enables
you to quickly place in a bag and dispose.” Feel free to spend the
remainder of the flight trying to process this information.

Once the plane is airborne, you may RECLINE YOUR SEATBACK by pressing the button inside the armrest. If you chose not to recline, be aware that the person ahead of you will soon do so fully and abruptly, causing sharp discomfort on and around the patella but rewarding you with a panoramic view of several acres of scalp. You may mitigate this situation, at least psychologically, with a loud and audibly moist “sneeze,” or by directing your personal air jet to the top of the encroaching head.

Directly ahead of you is the TRAY TABLE, which may be lowered for
“snack service.” The circular depression in the upper right corner is
for your plastic cup, an item you may find oddly wide-mouthed for
something conveying sticky beverages in an environment subject to
sudden and dramatic up-and-down and to-and-fro motions. Also, note
the cup is designed such that empty mylar pretzel pellet bags stuffed
in them to facilitate trash collection will not remain there, but will repeatedly and mesmerizingly creep back out and onto the tray table.

Once the plane arrives at its destination, be aware that your
SEATBELT BUCKLE is specially designed to disengage most efficiently
if you place your hand on it for several minutes prior to arrival at
the gate. The instant the seat belt sign is turned off and the soft
gong sounds, snap it open vigorously, then swiftly stand up and lunge
for the overhead bins. Those seated on the aisle should immediately
advance one or two rows before others crowd in and hinder forward
motion. Those in window seats should also stand immediately, adapting
the attractively hunched Cro-Magnon stance under the luggage bins for
the 12 minutes before your row is released for deplaning.

We hope that you find your seat comfortable and your flight pleasant.
We know you have a choice of many other seats, and we thank you for choosing SEAT 21C.


A big thank you to Wayne Curtis!

Bulging Brides

Tiff talks:

At the wedding dress boutique where I worked we had a crazy seamstress. She was very old (or at least she looked it), all hunched over and crone-ish, and always wore black clothes and those big orthopedic shoes with knee high stockings bunched up around her ankles. When a girl came in for a fitting who she thought was too heavy, she would say she was taking the dress out to fit better, but she would really take it IN. In her warped mind, she thought it would get the brides off their butts to lose weight. She also did this as a general rule to brides she just didn't like, whether heavy or not.

I saw a lot of tears and freak outs in that store over the years, but she was such a good seamstress and so fast, the owners didn't want to let her go. Over time, they reduced her actual interaction with customers and just put her in a back room sewing away...

Wow. Nothing says bridal fun like having a scary old crone hidden in a back room laboring away sweat shop like fashion.

Cry Me A River

Stinky54 (who WANTS to be called stinky, by the way?) gives us this gem:

I worked with a man who was a crier. Yes, a MAN. And over the tiniest things. If the copier got jammed, he cried. If the bathroom was out of toilet paper, he cried. If the bread on his sandwich was soggy, he cried. He was a messy crier, too. All snotty and never had a tissue, so he was always wiping it on his hands and making those charming sucking back mucus noises we all know and love. His computer keyboard was a soggy, slimy mess.

Hope you didn't have to ever use that keyboard...

So Stinky, maybe one of YOUR coworkers will write in to let us know how you got that nickname...unless they already have and you're this guy: Hey, Come Smell This!

A Hair Raising Experience

Kris has one:

I worked at the best salon ever for years! It was the (Name redacted, 'cause I just can't be advertising other people's stuff. You understand, right? No hurt feelings? Okay, let's move on). One of the hairstylists, Beth, was having a rough patch in her life. She had always seemed normal before this, but obviously something was going on with her, I don't know what. One morning, she came in looking really bad. She said she had been out drinking with friends all night, drowning her sorrows. I couldn't tell if she was just hungover or still drunk. Anyway, she had a customer with super long hair down to the middle of her back who wanted a trim, just the split ends, but Beth just could not get the ends straight. So she kept trying, and more hair kept coming off. The customer started to get agitated (I wonder why?)and when she asked Beth what she thought she was doing, Beth lost it and just grabbed a huge hunk of the customer's hair near her scalp and just hacked it off. The customer jumped up and started screaming and crying, while Beth ran out of the salon, and just kept going. She never came back, even for any money she was owed.

I think the salon owners paid off the customer so she wouldn't sue, but I wasn't really privy to that information.

Uh, Kris, your idea of the Best Salon Ever and my idea of the Best Salon Ever are radically different. I'm just sayin'.

The Message Board Is Up!

<<<<< There it is, right there to the left. Get talking!

Eye'll Be Seeing You

This one sounds waaaay far fetched, Louise, but hey, truth IS stranger than fiction, so who knows? But ya know, I'm just here to report the crazy, not to figure out if it's true or not. And if you're making this stuff up, then maybe YOU'RE the crazy one (insert evil laugh here).

A guy at my office had a glass eye. He would pop it out at the most unexpected times, like meetings and lunch. He would roll it across the table and play with it.

He even put it in someones coffee once, and I think the screams must have been heard for miles around.

Can you even TREAT a glass eye like that? Isn't it fragile? Like, as in, say - glass? Or maybe he had a collection of replacements at his home. Now THAT would be something to see.

Commando!

Moose says:

We had a woman here at work who used to wear really, REALLY short skirts to work. And then announce to all who would listen that she was going commando (underwear free, for those who might not be up on skank slang).

She would sit in conferences crossing and uncrossing her legs all the time like that scene in Basic Instinct. I think she was attempting to come off as sexy and carefree.

It didn't work. More like sleazy and desperate.

So I guess all the guys at the office were trying to snatch a glance? Or glance a ....ahem, you know.

Sorry. I really couldn't help myself with that one.

I Vant to Suck Your Blood

Frank, yours is rather creepy...

I worked in a blood bank many years ago. A new guy was hired to transport the blood, a very average, normal seeming guy - almost kind of nerdy.

One day he approached me to let me know that the only reason he applied for the job was because he belonged to a group of self-proclaimed vampires. At that point, they had been drinking cows blood *gack* but really wanted to give human a try. He was very disappointed when he discovered that blood banks have very strict protocols and he couldn't steal any blood.

Did they go around stabbing cows? Or did they go to the supermarket and buy a steak that looked bloody and....ugh, I am making myself so sick.

Maybe a slaughterhouse would've been a better job choice?

Sunday Funnies

More stuff that gave me a chuckle:

This isn't TOO embarrassing. I mean, she failed to stop at a railroad crossing!! She shoulda stuck with the first report.

Hehe! Butt crack!! *snicker* I admit to having a bit of a juvenile sense of humor...

Well, it would be weird if he played with other people's:

Personally, I hate the strict Wal-Mart dress code:
If anyone knows the legal way, let me know, ok?

I would think a talking duck would be the lead in the story, but what do I know?

You know, I myself sometimes wonder who that person staring back at me in the bathroom is...

What a bargain!

Do they have slight urine smell too?:

Calling all Gradys!!

Happy Sunday!

Flying the Not So Friendly Skies

Hayley flies one by us:

I work as a flight attendant. One of my fellow workers was a total b*tch. If anyone would ask for anything she would make comments like "Honey, I don't think you need those extra peanuts" in a sweet voice as if she was actually being helpful. She told a man who needed a seat belt extender due to his weight that she was worried for his health and he should really look into a weight loss program. She told a mother with a crying child that she sympathized with her and that unfortunately being a good mother just doesn't come naturally to some. She was fired after a nervous flier kept calling her over when we were experiencing some turbulence and asking if this was normal. She reassured him the first couple of times, but then she got fed up. The next time he called her over, she told him "Wow, I've never seen turbulence like this! I think we might go down!" The rest of us had to calm the hysterical man while she giggled to herself in the galley, although I think she stopped giggling when she found out she was out of a job.

Well, I guess she really didn't give a flying....um, you-know-what... about her job.