Monday, November 30, 2009

Most Awesome Lifetime Movie Titles Ever

Every once in a while I come upon something on this great world wide web that cracks me up to no end. 

This is one of those occasions:

Most Awesome Lifetime Movie Titles Ever

November 16, 2009
By: Chris Jordan
Nobody quite does movies like Lifetime.

We come to celebrate Lifetime movies, not bury them. We love our Lifetime movies, because we love watching as the placid veneer of suburbia is invariably shattered in each one. On Lifetime, a typical soccer mom will find herself in an unusual or dangerous -- or unusually dangerous -- situation, like tied up in the trunk of a car, or go-go dancing at the local sleaze-o-rama.

And, of course, the titles are priceless. Where else can you watch movies like the classic Kirsten Dunst drama '15 and Pregnant,' or 'Single White Female 2: The Psycho'? Not on NBC, that's for sure.

Below, we've selected the 15 most awesome Lifetime movie titles ever.

'I Me Wed'

No, it's not a Tarzan movie on Lifetime. The syntactically challenged 'I Me Wed' (2007) tells the story of a frustrated 30-year-old gal whose friends keep bugging her about getting married. So, like any normal woman, she decides to get engaged to herself and plans a whole wedding around it. Then things start to get messy when she meets a guy named Colin, and can't figure out whether to pursue him or continue with her wedding (because cheating on yourself still counts as cheating, right?).

'Crimes of Passion: She Woke Pregnant'

Since when did getting pregnant become a crime? Lynda Carter (aka Wonder Woman) co-stars in this 1996 drama based on a real-life incident, in which a woman (Michele Greene), well, wakes up pregnant. The twist: The father isn't her husband (it was the dentist!). Don't ask us how. Just watch -- and pass the laughing gas while you're at it.

'Touching Wild Horses'

Touching, mind you, not riding. In this classic equine tearjerker, 12-year-old Mark finds himself in desperate need of a relationship after a car accident kills his sister and father, and leaves his mom in a coma (nothing melodramatic about that). He's then sent to live with his aunt (Jane Seymuor) on an island populated by only one other person, where he's specifically told not to touch the wild horses. We assume he does, anyway -- in a "touching" way, of course.

'Mother Trucker: The Diana Kilmury Story'

Kilmury takes on the Teamsters, the Mafia, sexism and anything else that gets in the way of her drive to rid her truckers' union of corrupt officials in this 1996 film. She's rough and tough; a real mother trucker, we'd say. Norma Rae would be proud.

'Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy'

It's difficult for us to make fun of this one, because breast cancer isn't exactly a laugh-out-loud topic. But at least we find out why Geralyn Lucas (played here by 'Scrubs'' Sarah Chalke) wore lipstick to her mastectomy (lipstick builds confidence, ladies!). It's classic Lifetime, this one, as a pivotal scene takes place in a strip joint (no, not the actual mastectomy, thank God).

'To Be Fat Like Me'

The subject of 2007's 'To Be Fat Like Me' (played by Kaley Cuoco) isn't really fat; she's just a pretty teen in a fat suit. It's all for a documentary contestant that she enters after a softball injury sidelines her chances of getting a scholarship to college. OK, we'll admit that doesn't sound too bad. But the title? Big mistake.

'A Fare to Remember'

We took one look at the premise of this movie (a young exec is forced to cab it from Seattle to Los Angeles, and winds up falling for her driver, played by Malcolm Jamal-Warner) and all we could say was ... oh, hell no.

'Co-ed Call Girl'

No silly double entendre or pointless pun here. This salacious, sleazy title delivers it straight -- just the way we like it. What's a struggling co-ed to do when she doesn't want to take out student loans or work in a fast food joint to pay for her college tuition? Why, sell her body, of course! Makes perfect sense -- except for the fact that it stars Tori Spelling.

'Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life'

Junior is searching out porn on the Internet instead of doing his homework in this 2005 cautionary tale starring Kelly Lynch. At first glance, the title suggests a wayward husband who is surfing the Net, looking for goodies. It just goes to show the depth these Lifetime movie titles can have.

'Honeymoon With Mom'

What sounds worse than getting dumped at the altar? Spending your honeymoon with your mom -- which is supposedly what happens in this comedy co-starring 'Cheers' alum Shelley Long (oh, how the mighty have fallen!). We're guessing the honeymoon phase ended pretty quickly for this pair (seriously, what happened to boundaries?).

'My Stepson, My Lover'

Probably the creepiest Lifetime movie title ever -- and that's saying a lot. This 1997 film is called an "adultery drama" on Lifetime's webstie, but isn't this kind of veering into incest territory? Wait, never mind -- we don't want to know. Rachel Ward stars in this Oedipal odyssey of cheating and passion.

'Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear'

Baby monitors have been around since the 1930s, which is why we can't believe it took Hollywood this long to write a movie about them. But apparently, the wait was worth it, in this 1998 thriller about a nanny (Josie Bissett) whose affair with a married man -- wait for it -- goes terribly wrong.

'Mother, May I Sleep With Danger'

Sounds like mom didn't do a good job of raising her young one if this is posed as a serious question. But at least the questioner is asking her mother for permission; mother-daughter communication is always a good thing. Also, note the proper usage of "May I." Darn it, mom did something right!

'Do You Know the Muffin Man?'

The Muffin Man? No, but it sounds like he's a good guy to know . He's the guy who makes muffins, right? Nope. It's actually a 1989 film about sexual assaults at a pre-school camp, loosely based on the infamous McMartin case of the 1980s. Thank you, Lifetime, for the muffin buzz kill. We thought we were in for a good time.

'What If God Were the Sun'

What if God were the sun? We can answer that. The Incas believed that God was the sun, and their empire was attacked and defeated by Spain in the 16th century. They were brutally oppressed by the Spaniards, and then European diseases all but wiped out the last of the Incas. What if God were the sun? Trust us: it's not a pretty sight (although, admittedly, it would make for a good Joan Osbourne song).


strokeofliving said...

Miss Anita, you never disappoint. Chris good job with your Lifetime observations!

strokeofliving said...

I'm doing a tribute to your blog today just 'cause...

Hank said...

I've always loved LTM titles, but these are, indeed, the best!

Jen said...

What is even worse than these titles is that I have actually watched at least two of these dreadful movies. I can't believe I just admitted that horrible truth publicly. I need to get a life.

Post a Comment