Home Sweet Home

A friend of mine is an architect.  His personal style is classy, understated and elegant, but he has to pander to the desires of his clients, obviously.  In this day and age of gaudy McMansions, he is requested to do all sorts of insane things - one client even requested a huge gilded two seater swing hanging in their two story foyer.  Eventually, he became so exasperated he decided to go a little crazy with his plans and throw in the most bizarre features he could imagine just to see what would happen.  "Floating bathtub" mounted on clear pedestals - client loved it.  Toilet encased in a raised throne - client loved it.  Curved walls in a hallway to create the illusion of walking through a tube - you guessed it, they loved it.

He hates just about every job he has done, but he is in high demand and rolling in dough.

You know what? Curved walls would make cleaning so much easier.  No more dust (or in my home, dog hair - and lots of it) accumulating in the non-existent corners.

Though I would probably have some big problems when tipsy.

How can I get me one of them there toilet thrones, Sebastian?

Sandy's Bad Week

We all know some weirdness has been going on in the life of Sandra Bullock, but I'm not referring to what you think I am:

Fiber Optic Aliens

I was in a meeting the other day, presenting some stuff to a group of people.  One woman was FLOORED by what she called "the amazing technology".  Mind you, I was demonstrating some very basic stuff.  Since it appeared she was none too bright, I thought I'd play with her a little bit.  So I told her "Yeah, all this technology came from the aliens at Roswell, even fiber optics and all that".  Her eyes almost bugged out of her head as she bought my bull.  Then I suggested that the best road trip ever would be to get an RV and go to Roswell, to which she replied "I'd LOVE to do that, that is so going on my bucket list."

That was a fun meeting.

Road trip to a desert in New Mexico!  Yeah!! Wahoo!

That was sarcasm, by the way.

I don't know if that was exactly a nice thing to do, but it sure was an amusing one,  MyFavoriteGuy!

Sunday Funnies

Help wanted:

Aw, crap, and I was all dressed and ready for my interview:

Anyway, moving on....

Siriusly, it's kinda sad when people learn to spell from satellite radio.

I wat you to helf me understand the little cat ears in the lower corner.

 

I don't have one, so I'd better get out there and commit some crimes so I can get this job!

Inspires ambition, doncha think?

I don't know which scares me more - their desire for freaks and misfits, or the idea of a Tiny Tea Tent.

Is this also in the Tiny Tea Tent?  "Today's entertainment - watch our piano player perform while opening clams - simultaneously!"

Bloopers

I've been a little remiss in posting this week, due to an illness in the family BUT......things are looking up!!  So until I can get back into posting gear, here's a bit of entertainment:

The Writing On The Wall

In the restroom at my office, nasty graffitti started appearing on the walls, all of it centered around a particular female comworker of mine.  It was pretty graphic, all about her enjoyment of perfoming deviant sexual acts that I won't list (aw, c'mon, aren't we all friends here?).  Obviously, she was very upset.  More writing would appear overnight, so my superiors knew it had to be one of the plentiful cleaning people that came in at night.  But which  one?  Since it is illegal to put video in a bathroom, a camera was erected right outside the entrance.  The next day when more slurs appeared, the tape was reviewed and it was discovered which cleaning guy it was.  Obviously he was fired, but the best part was his reasoning.  He stated that "The b*tch left crumbs and dirt around her desk.  She's a pig who needs to learn to clean up after herself."

I bet she cleaned up her act quick.  So punny, I am!

Apparently Tapit saw the writing on the wall.  *snicker*

Sunday Funnies

I'm totally diggin the Wedinator:

Daddy looks a little ill.  He probably can't WAIT to give his daughter away....

This one gave me such a headache.

Very.  Very.  Disturbing.  And why are they so greasy?!?!?

Klassy.  I think the meaning of wearing white got lost here somehow.

A Genius!

Sometimes I receive a submission so eloquent, so refined, that I just have to post it exactly as it came in:

I SPIT AND SH*T ALL OVER YUR FOOD!  hAHAHH!  U SUCK AND EAT IT WTH MY SPERM MIX A$$HOLES.  F*CK DUMB SH*T.

Well, I didn't spell out some of the more profane words, but I think you see what I mean.  A scholar is among us!

Does your Mommy know you are on the computer, Name-I-won't-repeat-cause-it's-filthy?

Fun In The Operating Room

So there's this bunch of Nurse Anesthetists who perform medical parodies - and it's pretty funny stuff.  They are called the Laryngospasms and you can visit their website here.


Who knew you could have so much fun in the OR?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

St. Patrick's Day is my favorite holiday. So everyone go out and have plenty of green beer and some corned beef and cabbage (although that is an American tradition, not Irish, but that's ok).

Animations provided by MySpaceAnimations.com

Driving Miss Tipsy

I am a driver for a limo company, and this isn't about the Crazy People I've Worked With, but rather, worked For.

People do some damn disgusting things in limos.  Whoever in hell decided sex in a limo is a sexy thing?!?!? It's far from a novel idea -you wouldn't believe how many people do it.  And trust me, we do not disinfect or even wipe down the seats.  So there's a good chance you're sitting in someone else's (words edited out, but I think you all got the idea).

There is actually one time we do have to do an intense cleaning - and that's after a vomiter.  There is a lot of those, too.  It's great that people are being responsible while drinking and hiring a driver, but really, should that driver have to be responsible for the fact that you drank your face off and are now spewing uncontrollably? Some people make small attempts to swipe at stuff with a tissue, but in the end it all comes down to us.

And I am not your slave nor servant, so stop speaking to me like I am.  I am just there to do a job, like the rest of the world.

Next time I am in any sort of car that is not my own, I will be wearing a full body condom.  So if you see me, give a wave!  I will be the one encased in Latex.

I think I might detect some anger here JoeyAveloni...

Doggone Ridiculous

I came across this mid 20th century ad and was a bit amazed by it, so I had to share. 

I'm glad they are so damn concerned about the car being marred by this contraption, but hey, who cares about the dog.  At  that point, why even bother with a hole for its head if you're gonna strap your dog to the outside of fast moving vehicle.  Yeesh.

Blowin' In The Wind (My Power Lines, That Is)

Things may be a bit off on CPIWW for a day or two - the power has finally come back on since the big storm Saturday, but I have no faith that it will STAY on, so please bear with me!

Love and kisses,
Anita

Sunday Funday

Some gems from There I Fixed It:

I don't blame this person for worrying about their car being stolen.  I mean, a mint condition ride like this...

I actually find this kind of bizarrely clever.

Yeah, this one isn't so clever.  In fact it's rather shocking (ba da bum).

Another one that seems kinda like a good idea to me - if you live close enough to bike to your grocery, how else could you carry a bunch of bags?   

And another not so good idea. 

And finally - uses for duct tape are endless, doncha think?

An Unfortunate Uprising

I work in sales for a large corporation.  I won't get into detail what kind of sales, since that's not really important (and, basically, boring).  Anyway, I have one boss who likes to have 'Encouragment Meetings'.  It's pretty much a rah-rah pep rally for getting out there and selling.  He's got a very large belly, and he has started this icky tradition.  He claims it's good luck to rub his belly, like Buddha's.  So at the end of the meeting, we all (and we are mostly women) have to file past him on the way out the door and rub his belly for good luck.  Sometimes he claims we didn't do it hard enough and demands a re-do, but unsuprisingly he only says that to the attractive females of the group.

And the main thing when you are passing him during this tradition is DON'T LOOK DOWN!  Or you will see a bit of an....um....uprising in his pants.

You don't sell pup tents, do you?  Maybe he's demonstrating the basic physics of the operation of a pup tent.

Maybe you can claim some sort of contagious hand disease, Anonymous? I'd start Googling hand diseases immediately if I were you.

IHOP Fingered In Gross Lawsuit

MARCH 3--Ronald Neilly was working at an International House of Pancakes in Hallandale, Florida one Sunday morning when he accidentally cut off a fingertip while preparing an order. Neilly, 35, was immediately rushed to a local hospital by Department of Fire Rescue workers. But the severed fingertip--nail intact--could not be located by his fellow kitchen employees.


Until, of course, it soon turned up in the fried chicken green salad being consumed by Nadine Robinson, 42, who was having brunch with her family after attending services at Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale. The severed fingertip can be seen in the above police photo (click to enlarge).


The repulsive IHOP episode, which has not been previously reported, occurred in November 2008 and has resulted in a lawsuit brought by Robinson and her family against the restaurant chain and Neilly (TSG learned of the incident when IHOP lawyers last month filed a federal court motion seeking to remove the case from a Broward County court). Robinson's negligence complaint alleges that the restaurant served her a "freshly severed finger tip that contained both freshly cut human flesh and blood." IHOP, she charges, did not cease operating after Neilly was injured while preparing her salad, adding that the eatery's actions exposed her and her teenage daughter Ashley (who shared some of the salad) to a variety of possible health problems.
After Hallandale cops were summoned to the restaurant, Robinson told them that she had bitten into a piece of salad that "had a rubbery texture." After spitting out the piece and inspecting it, Robinson "noticed that the unknown piece in her salad was the end of a finger tip which also had a piece of a finger nail attached to it." When police spoke to IHOP manager Robert Clarke, he told them of the Neilly accident, adding that he "did keep the plate and piece of finger in the back office." Two police representatives later responded to IHOP and photographed the remains of Robinson's meal, with Neilly's fingertip at the plate's center.

A subsequent inspection of the eatery by the federal Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) resulted in the issuance of a "Serious" violation due to IHOP not requiring cooks "preparing food with knives in the kitchen area to use appropriate hand protection when exposed to hazards such as severe cuts, lacerations or punctures."

In a claim letter sent last year to an IHOP insurance carrier, Robinson's lawyers demanded an $18 million settlement payment to Robinson and her husband, and $2.5 million for the couple's 14-year-old daughter. IHOP has yet to answer the complaint, apart from seeking last month to have the matter removed to federal court.

This is just so damn horrifying I can't comprehend it.  Biting into a rubbery bit, and discovering its a HUMAN FINGERTIP?!?!?!  I'd need years of intensive therapy.

*WARNING*  If you are squeamish, time to look away, 'cause yep, we got pictures (the little red arrow is pointing to the finger in the first one):

*gag*

Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Bikini Area

By David Knowles

(March 8) -- Sometimes multitasking has its limits.

 Such is the case in the Florida Keys, where police say a 37-year-old woman crashed her 1995 Ford Thunderbird into another car as she attempted to shave her bikini area.

According to the arrest report, on March 2, Megan Mariah Barnes told Florida State Trooper Gary Dunick that she was on her way to Key West to meet her boyfriend, and that she "wanted to be ready for the visit." So, police say she had her ex-husband, Charles Judy, who was riding in the passenger seat, take the wheel while she attended to her pubic hair.


The results weren't pretty. Going 45 mph, Barnes and Judy are said to have rear-ended a car that had slowed to make a left turn.



A day earlier, Barnes had been convicted of numerous driving infractions, including DUI with a prior arrest and driving with a suspended license. She had been ordered to impound her car, her license was revoked for five years, and she had been placed on probation for nine months.


Dunick told The Citizen newspaper that after the crash, in which two passengers in the other car were treated for minor injuries at an area hospital, Barnes drove for another half-mile before switching seats with Judy in an attempt to make it seem to police as though she had not been driving.

"It is unbelievable," Dunick said. "I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."

"She was charged with leaving the scene of an accident," said police spokesman Lt. Alex Annunziato, "in addition to all the charges stemming from her earlier violations."


If found guilty of violating the terms of her probation, Barnes could face a year behind bars.

Well, this might not be a crazy coworker to US, but I'm sure someone somewhere has to work with this woman.   Besides, it was too good to pass up.

Don't you love how the person helping her out shaving her pubes in preparation to see her boyfriend was her ex-husband?  Now that's what I call an amicable divorce.

Missing Intelligence

Are these true?  What the hell do I know.  But they ARE funny - and using the people I come across everyday as a gauge of general intelligence levels, I wouldn't be suprised if they are.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha".  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash isn't silent."

Sunday Funnies

More Fail Blog:

*Snort* I can't... *giggle* comment on... *guffaw* this because... * chuckle* I just can't stop... * double snort* laughing.

Please remove non-mushroom material - such as any cigarette butts.  But hey, they tell you right on the package that they can't remove all foreign objects, so they warned ya!

A little concrete burn never killed anyone, but still....

my psychic powers see a lawsuit in the future.

Can I borrow a quarter?

The perfect setup for people who despise children.

I don't see a safety issue here, do you?

Proper Attire (Well, For Hookers, At Least)

Whoa, Dan the Funeral Man really loves us:

I totally forgot another incident! One time the staff was closing up after a viewing.  We had solemnly ushered out all the guests, locked the doors, and began cleaning up.  We were in the hallway gabbing loudly for a few minutes, talking in particular about the grandaughter of the deceased who had attended the viewing dressed as though she was ready to solicit men on a street corner.  Hot pink tight dress that barely covered her butt, big dangling earrings, teased hair, stillettos - the works.  We were calling her all different unflattering names and laughing loudly, when we hear the bathroom door open. 

Apparently we were wrong, all the guests had NOT left the building.  Two were left - and they happened to be the hooker-dressed woman's mother and grandmother.  They HAD to have heard us; and scurried out while not meeting our eyes.  I think they had been embarrassed by her too.

On a side note, if you think it's irreverent that we were talking and laughing while, essentially, a deceased person lay there, well....in this business you have to maintain a sense of detachment or you'd become clinically depressed.

Wow, you guys really put the fun in funeral!

Who knows, maybe she had to leave for her job directly after, and didn't have time to change in between. 

Getting Off In Denver

Computer programmer, 34, arrested for in-flight masturbation episode


MARCH 2--A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger. Murali Nookella, a 34-year-old computer programmer, was en route to Denver from Philadelphia on a Southwest Airlines flight when a woman noticed him "fumbling underneath a blanket," according to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent Joel Nishida. The woman, identified only by her initials in the affidavit, said that Nookella's "eyes were closed and his hands moved all around his groin area" underneath a "mustard/gold blanket pulled up to his waist." As the woman packed up her belonging to move seats, she "looked at Nookella and saw him holding his erect penis." The woman said that Nookella remarked, "You caught me." Nookella held a napkin in his left hand, the woman told the FBI. According to Nishida's affidavit, the woman "did not look but heard a swishing sound. She thought Nookella wiped something." Nookella's employer told TSG that he was headed to Denver on a work assignment. Nookella was named today in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging him with indecent exposure. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $5000 fine.

Well, this counts as a crazy coworker because he was ON A FREAKIN' BUSINESS TRIP!  Not a "pleasure" (heh!) trip, but as a representative of his company.  His coworkers must be eagerly looking forward to his return to the home office.....

Swingin' In The Breeze

I worked with the lady who was probably in her 50s.  She was normal in every way EXCEPT.... she had an apparent aversion to bras.  And she was a big woman, with big, hanging boobs.  Every day you could see her shaking like Jello as she walked; mind you, the Jello was somewhere around her waist.

The funniest part involved our communal office printer.  If you sent something to it to print, you could hear if it jammed.  When this would happened to our bra-less buddy, she would take off running at high speed to save her document, her boobs flapping in the wind.

She's lucky she didn't get a black eye from one o' those babies!

Thanks to Linsey, for this rather disturbing image.

Beauty Queen Brilliance

I found this hysterically funny, so I had to share.  My favorite is Miss Panama...who knew Confucius invented confusion? Ya learn something new everyday.


Lauren Caitlin Upton - Miss Teen South Carolina

Response to why 1/5 Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Carrie Prejean - Miss California

On whether or not God opposes breast implants: "No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants."

Nadine Tanega - Miss Hawaii

At Miss World American 1992: "We are truly the land of the great. From the rock shores of... Hawaii... to the beautiful sandy beaches of... Hawaii... America is our home."

Jeannie Anderson - Miss Philippines

Question: Would you rather be more smart, or more beautiful? "Well, I'd rather choose to be beautiful, um because, to be beautiful it's natural. But being smart you can learn... you can learn, um a lot of things... a lot of things from the experience... you can learn from a lot of things being smart."

Alicia-Minique Blanco - Miss Arizona

Should the U.S. have universal health care as a right of citizenship? "I think this is an issue of integrity regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I was raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right its an issue of integrity, no matter what your opinion is, and I say that with the utmost conviction."

The Pearl Harbor Girl

What is the most important event in our nation's history? "In my opinion, Pearl Harbor which occurred on December 7, 1941 was the most significant event in our nation's history because [long pause] because it ended the great depression and forced us into the World War II, and... [long pause] ...And our country experienced patriotism and unity."

Miss Panama

Explain the Confucius quote "Learning without thought is labor lost": "Good evening, Panama. Confucius was one of whom invented confusion and that's why, uhh... One of the most ancient, he was one of the Chinese.... Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you."

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

I am a telemarketer, which sucks big time.  This is all I could get out of college, and I need to work, so here I am.  Knowing that the people I call hate me, dealing with being hung up on, called names, etc.  So glad I spent four years involved in higher learning.

Anyway, at our call center, its just basically long tables set up where you  have a phone with a headset and a computer, and we sit lined up one next  to the other.  It's depressing and demoralizing.  Plus, you can hear, see and smell every single thing your neighbor does, eats, farts, etc.

One woman I work with has an unorthodox method of doing her work.  Before she gets on each and every call, she prays for a sale.  Very loudly.  And in a sort of a chant-y, sing-song way.  It's really rather creepy, and freaks us all out.  It also doesn't sound too good to the people we are calling, to have to deal with a telemarketer trying to sell you something while there is religious chanting happening in the background.

Do her prayers work?  Is she like top salesperson or anything?  'Cause you know, I'm sure God puts all the stuff like wars, famine, natural disasters aside when she requests a sale.

Crossing my fingers that you get a new job, StellarStan!