The F*%^ing Holiday Party

Lets get into the spirit of the season, shall we?

I think Patty here started off on the wrong foot, I mean, who in this day and age wouldn't call it a Holiday Party to start with?  Beyond that though, anyone who has tried to arrange an event for a large group of people knows how easily everyone's different demands can drive you bonkers...

Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Postponed...

Holy crap, I have the worst headache today, so bad it makes me want to barf.  Therefore, today's post is postponed until I can be my witty, snarky self again.  Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when I will be back to normal (well, as normal as I actually get).

Sunday Funnies

Found some incredibly funny stuff at Probably Bad News.

Here's some highlights:

They come with bombs strapped to their little hairy chests.

Never did trust those Jack Russells.

Be careful.  The terrorist Jack Russells will hunt you down when your clothing is bacon scented.

Whopper? As in Burger King?  Seriously, this headline just confuses me.  Although in all honesty, I think I'd prefer NOT to understand what it actually means.

Oh! THAT'S where I left her!  I remember getting out the mayo and then, poof, she was gone!

I guess the result was something like this:

Okay.  Let's continue...

I always thought something sleazy was going on in the basement of Ace Hardware.

But the mayor of New Orleans probably enjoys his trips to buy "hardware":

And he may just want to become a fan of Pam Anderson:

And we don't know his grooming preferences, but:

I Will Always Love You

A woman I work with is under the delusion that she is a great singer.  She is even convinced she can hit the high notes like Mariah Carey.  In reality, she sounds like an animal in pain.  She sings at her desk all day, which is painful enough but...

She travels around to all the local karaoke nights at various bars, and every single time she invites everyone from work.  As a general rule, no one goes, but one night a coworker and I decided to go for kicks.

She monopolized karaoke night, putting in song after song.  It was pretty much just her show.  She also mostly picked ballads.  She sang some Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and LOTS of Mariah.  It was really hard not laugh while she was signing, and all the other bars patrons were snickering and nudging each other but she didn't seem to notice.  It was actually quite sad.

After each performance, she'd come over to the two of us and asked how she'd done, with a look on her face that  told us that she thought she had been amazing.  We had to lie and say she was great, of course.  I'm not going to be the one to break her heart. 

Worst part of the night was when a drunk guy yelled "You sound like a dying cat, you can't f*%ing sing!!" while she was in the midst of "I Will Always Love You".  She confided in us later that sort of thing happened alot, and she took it in stride because she knew they were just drunk and jealous.

So when and where is the next karaoke night?  I'll be there!

Earplugs are wonderful things, Anony.

The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back

My boss had this compulsive habit of constantly chewing on a straw.  He actually kept his own supply at his desk so he would never be without one.  If he had kept his straws contained, it would have been a non-issue.  BUT... there were constantly mangled, spitty straws everywhere.  On the floor.  On the bathroom counters.  Thrown into plant pots.  Left on the counter where we make our coffee.  On the lunch table

Even worse, when in a meeting, he would chew and then gesture with the straw to make a point.  This caused droplets of spit to fly all over the table, our notes, any food products lying around, and occasionally us.  I got one on the cheek once, and one of my other coworkers got it in the eye.  But he's the boss...

Whoa, I first read that one sentence as "thrown into pot plants".  I was thinking, what kinds of office IS this?

Well, to be honest, one I probably wouldn't mind working in.  Heh.

I'm sending you some antibacterial wipes, JonahPlease!.

Sailing, Takes Me Away...

Back in the 80s to 90s, I was a crew member on a very large cruise ship, and I can tell you that the passengers have absolutely no clue what happens below deck. 

I'm sure this part can't be occurring anymore, with stricter environmental guidelines in place and hefty fines, but late at night we used to dump our garbage off the ship right into the ocean.  Big black bags of it, just coming right off the back of the ship.

But I'm sure this part still happens: the crew and entertainment workers are like one big incestuous family.  We had our own bar on a lower deck, nothing like the ones the passengers go to - ours was (and I'm sure still is)  a bare bones, low class gin-mill type of place.  The crew gets drunk just about every night, and you never knew who would wind up in what bed or who they would wake up next to.  What makes that even more raunchy as I look back on it is that the crew stayed in rooms of 2 or 4 people each.  So there was no privacy for these shenanigans. There were even occasions when a crew member might manage to rotate through all four beds and all four roomates in one drunken night.  The top billed members of the entertainment groups would usually have a single room, and people would hook up with them not due to attraction, but for the chance of a night of privacy.

The drunken fights were pretty legendary, too. 

The better looking male crew members (alas, I was not one of them) would have women passengers throwing themselves at them.  From the very young to the very old, it seemed a badge of honor to 'get' a crew member.  These male crew members were used to this, and used to have a standard line of "I've never gotten together with a passenger before, but you, I couldn't resist."  (Insert major gagging and barfing sounds here.  Thanks.)  Of course, little did the women know they were just one of hundreds, maybe thousands to hear the same routine.

Ah, we were young and crazy.

Young, crazy, and most likely disease-ridden with livers ready to go on strike.

Hope you had huge supply of condoms and penicillin in those days, CruisingMan.

In The Pink

A woman I work with has a strange obsession with the color pink.  She is around 50ish, I would say, and works in the cubicle next to mine.  She has wallpapered her cubicle and desk with pink contact paper, and she brings in her own pink office supplies.  Where she finds pink pens, pink tape dispensers, pink staplers AND staples is beyond me, but she does.  Her mug is pink,  her clothes are some shade of pink every day, her handbag is pink and her favorite shoes are these sky high stiletto heels in - you guessed it - pink.   She is a tall and heavy woman, so she resembles a large pink cloud of cotton candy tottering around the office on pink stilts.

The ultimate weirdness is that she has a picture of her Maltese on her desk, and loves to show it off and tell everyone how hard it was to find a groomer that would dye her dog freakin' PINK!!

I am so dying to take a visit to her house.  It must feel like being in a very large, better lit womb with furniture.

And then I would steal her dog and dye it green just for kicks.

Thanks to Andrea71, and we all know you're just jealous that you don't have your own personal color.