Dilbert Quotes

Thanks to the anonymous person who sent me this email:

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America :

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
( Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

How do I get a job at 3M?  I am REALLY good at doing nothing for several weeks at a time.

Banana Split

This woman I worked with was a little odd. She had a habit of saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Anyway, the absolute weirdest thing she ever did was when we were all sitting around a conference table having lunch. She grabbed a banana and said "Watch this, I can totally deep throat this banana!" So she did.


Which made her gag.

And then puke all over the table.

So were the men impressed with this?  Takes more than some barf to turn off most of the guys I know!

Thanks to Eliot for regurgitating this one for us!

A Royal Flush

Ok, this really isn't a crazy person I worked WITH; but rather, worked FOR.

When I was attending college the perfect job for me was to be a live-in housekeeper.  I worked during the day, took classes at night, and got to live pretty close to campus.  Perfect, except for the man whose house it was...

He took the definition of housekeeping to the absolute extreme.  For example, he didn't even flush the toilet when he was done in the bathroom.  He would come out and say "Izzy, can you tidy up in there?" which meant entering the stinky room, flushing for him and quite often erasing his skid marks left in the bowl.  Or if he had only urinated, he would never even bother to aim near the bowl and would send me in to wipe up when he was done.  I put up with it until the day he told me he wanted to sleep with me.  I told him no, and his reply was "I pay you to do what I ask!"  I said housekeeper does not equal prostitute, and quit.  When the wife found out I had quit, she tried to stop me while I was packing up my belongings.  She told me how hard it is to get a good housekeeper, and she would double my salary if I would stay and be a housekeeper/hooker.  I packed faster and got the heck out of there.

Did you wear the good old sexy maid costume?  Maybe that's where he got the housekeeper = hooker idea from.

Or maybe he was just a big fat douchebag.  I'm going with that one.

A big shout out to our hooker friend Izzy (I'm just kiddin')!

Sunday Funnies

Seems that creepy album covers from a few weeks ago was a big hit, so here's some more:

What exactly is this guy telling Julie?  "Yessiree, sixteen is the age of consent in these here parts, let's grab us a bottle of Jim Beam and head on back to my shack in the woods to celebrate..."

Right in front of you.

'I Eat Kids' was his most popular tune, but I still love 'Shut Up or I Will Torture You in My Dungeon, Little Boy'  and 'If You Don't Stop Crying, Kid, I Will Kill Your Whole Family'.

Um, no thanks.

I find ventriloquist dummies horrifying to no end.  Marionettes too.  Basically anything wooden approximating a human being.  But enough of my fears and phobias...

Who is singing on this album, her or 'him'?  And I guess a duet is out of the question, huh?

REALLY?!?!  More freakin' dummies?  And these two appear to be very much in love...gives new meaning to having a woody, doesn't it?

Meat Me In The Back Room...

My cousin Jim used to work for a butcher who would service his female clients in a back room. The odd thing was that the butcher would wash out the used condom, dry it and then power it up for the next client he would entertain. Don't know how many uses he got from each one.

Wow, that must have been one sexy den of seduction in that back room...nothing revs up desire like hanging carcasses and slabs of meat.

But I am glad to see how ecologically concious the butcher is - you know, reuse and recycle and all that.


A big thank you to Ed for this meaty little gem!

Is That For Here Or To Go?

I feel the need to write this one in the approximation of a New Yawk accent (and hey, if I'm offending anyone, I am actually originally from there, so a big bronx cheer to you).

I work inna pizza place in New York City.  Trust me, every food establishment in da city has either rats or cockroaches, quite possibly both.  We had traps all over outta da view udda customers, but we hadda stubborn rat that would nevah get himself caught.  One day, for whatevah reason, maybe he liked da pizza, I dunno, but he climbed inna one of the ovens, tru the back I guess.  We found him cooked on toppa a pizza. 

We sold da pizza anyway.

Okay, I'll have a pizza with, let's see...mushrooms, sausage and oh, yeah, if you could add a few rat hairs for texture, that would be great.

Thanks to Guido (see why I had to write it like I did? his name compelled me to)!

Gumshoe

My coworker was leaving the shoe store where I work in a week's time.  She hated our customers; they were mostly very rude and demanding.  Her form of revenge:  she put chewed gum into the toes of shoes that were most likely to be tried on (the most popular styles, and 7 1/2 to 8 1/2 are the most common sizes in case ya didn't know).  It was pretty disgusting; people freaked out when they pulled their foot out with a great big wad of gum attached.  She had to 'fess up so none of the rest of us would get in trouble, but she didn't care since she had quit anyway.

I guess she wasn't worried about getting a good reference...

I'm going to depart from my usual snark and bitchiness for an educational interlude:

According to The Word Detective, the term gumshoe came to mean detective because:

It turns out that the original "gumshoes" of the late 1800's were shoes or boots made of gum rubber, the soft-soled precursors of our modern sneakers... At the turn of the century "to gumshoe" meant to sneak around quietly as if wearing gumshoes, either in order to rob or, conversely, to catch thieves. "Gumshoe man" was originally slang for a thief, but by about 1908 "gumshoe" usually meant a police detective, as it has ever since.

Who ever thought you'd actually LEARN something by coming here?  Certainly not me! We will return tomorrow with the usual snark.  I can only be intellectual for so long.

Thanks to Terri!