LOSERS
"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.
Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.
Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.
People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.
Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"
Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.
MORONS
Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.
Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.
Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.
Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.
Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.
Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.
Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.
Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.
Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.
Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.
Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.
Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.
David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.
FLAMEOUTS
Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?
H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.
Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.
Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.
Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.
The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.
Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.
Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.
Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.
Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.
Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.
Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.
General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.
Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.
SLIMY BASTARDS
John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.
Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.
Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.
Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.
Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.
Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.
Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.
Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.
Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.
Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.
0 comments:
Post a Comment