Dick Chop

This, my friends, is the most serendipitous name reflecting a person's profession - EVER. I present to you:

Dr. Richard Chopp

Click here for Dr. Dick Chop's Website


“There are more vasectomies to be done”

AREAS OF SPECIAL INTEREST

Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies. He also enjoys treating patients with metabolic evolution of kidney stone disease, male endocrine urology disorders, prostate disease and Peyronie's disease. He has extensive laparoscopy surgery experience, is on the transplant team and performs Living Donor Nephrectomy. He is a Principal Investigator and Sub-Investigator on selected research.

It's amazing he actually chose Dick as his nickname.  Not Rich or Rick or Richie.  Either he's oblivious to the connotations, or he has a fabulous sense of humor.  If it's the latter, then Dr. Chopp, I kinda love you.

10 Most Disgusting Things Found in Food

I saw this and had to share - it fits loosely with the idea of coworkers, because SOMEONE had to work with the people who managed to get this crap (literal crap, in one case) in the products, right? Right?


Aw, screw it if it doesn't fit the theme.  Bon Apetit!

10 Most Disgusting Things Found in Food - Oddee.com



When Cate Barrett bought a jar of tikka masala sauce from her local Asda store, she was expecting it to contain a bit of a kick. But what she wasn't expecting to find was the dead mouse which had somehow ended up in the jar - along with the rest of her favorite sauce. The nursery worker had begun making dinner for herself and her boyfriend, Nigel, when she poured the sauce into the pan, and noticed it was a little lumpy. As she began stirring the sauce through, she noticed what looked like whiskers and a tail - and immediately knew it was a dead rodent. The couple took the dead animal and the jar of Asda Extra Special sauce back to the shop where a manager apologized and said it would be sent for examination.

A woman in Northern Ireland discovered part of an oven glove baked into her slice of bread - and she didn't even notice it until she began eating it. The loaf had been bought from a local shop just before Christmas. When the victim discovered the contamination, she reported the matter to the environmental health section of the council. The packet turned out to be full of shreds of the hessian-type cloth. Herefordshire-based Hovis makers Premier Foods were fined £750.

An American mother went to a McDonald's with her two 6 and 8 -year old children.
She ordered two Happy Meals with chicken for the children and a hamburger with fries for herself. While they were eating, the 6-year old was more interested in the slide across the street than in the chicken nuggets which he didn't even touch. So the mother decided she would eat them. Without actually watching what she was doing she was bringing a chicken biggest to her mouth, just when her 8-year old son yelled not to eat it. So she looked at the biggest to find that -- despite the crust, it looked just like a chicken's head.The manager offered them their meal for free and two more weeks of free meals. The mother pressed charges and demanded 100,000 dollars compensation

A Queens, N.Y. man sued his local Subway restaurant after he made a frightening discovery that gives new meaning to his former favorite, the Italian cold-cut trio: a knife baked right into the bun. John Agnesini, 27, was shocked to find the surprise ingredient, and a large one at that, in his sandwich. The design director of HX magazine was sitting at his computer doing work and not looking at what he was about to put into his mouth. Agnesini said he didn't bite into the knife's blade and wasn't cut, but a few hours later, he said he felt sick to his stomach and went to his doctor.

Fred DeNegri was grilling in his backyard when he cracked open a can of Diet Pepsi, took a thirsty gulp and immediately started gagging. The flavor of his Pepsi was rank and the texture was thick like slime. He immediately took it to a sink and shook out the contents until something resembling "pink linguini" slid out, followed by "dark stuff”. Despite persistent shaking, a heavy object remained inside the can. Completely disgusted, the DeNegris immediately called poison control and the FDA, and the can was taken in for lab testing to identify the source of the sludgy mess. The couple received a copy of the completed report from the Food and Drug Administration Office of Regulatory Affairs, which concluded the foreign matter appeared to be a frog or a toad.

A man found part of a severed finger packed inside a pint of frozen custard he'd bought from a Kohl's Frozen Custard shop, and officials said it belonged to a worker injured in a food-processing machine accident there. The customer, Clarence Stowers, said he put the finger in his mouth, thinking it was a piece of candy when he opened the pint at home. Stowers said he spat the object out, and "I said, 'God, this ain't no nut!' So I came in here to the kitchen and rinsed it off with water and realized it was a human finger and I just started screaming."

The custard shop owner, Craig Thomas, said that the 23-year-old employee who lost the finger had dropped a bucket while working with a machine that dispenses the custard. He tried to catch the bucket when the accident occurred. Thomas said that as several employees tried to help the injured worker, a drive-thru window attendant apparently scooped the chocolate custard into a pint before being told what had happened.

In Feb. 2002 a woman was eating a bowl of clam chowder at a McCormick and Schmick's seafood restaurant in Irvine, CA, when she bit down on something rubbery. She thought it was a piece of calamari, but when she spit it out into her napkin she discovered that it was a condom. She immediately complained and the restaurant manager took the condom from her. The woman later sued and won an undisclosed settlement from the restaurant. The restaurant itself tried to sue the supplier of the clam chowder, but a judge ruled in favor of the supplier.

A man almost ate this cockroach, found inside a packet of GoldenBoy crispy anchovy snack. The cockroach was difficult to spot initially as it was coated with sesame seeds, making it blend together with the snack. He had bought a 'GoldenBoy crispy anchovy snack' and almost ate a small cockroach after eating about 1/3 of the snack. The cockroach even had sesame seeds on it, which means that it came along with the anchovies inside

A man from Boston found a living black widow spider in a bag of grapes bought at the Whole Foods Market in Brighton. Jorge Fuertes reached into the bag, pulled out some grapes and saw something black fall out and run away. He thought it was an ant, so he looked in the bag and found a southern black widow spider. He spit out his mouthful of grapes and noticed the spider's telltale red hourglass on its belly. He put it in a yogurt cup and went back to the store to let them know what had happened. A manager told Fuertes the entire shipment of Anthony's brand organic red seedless grapes would be removed from the shelves. In a statement Whole Foods said spiders are part of the landscape at their California grower and "although we are very cautious when unpacking produce, sometimes insects are not detected." A black widow bite is rarely deadly, but its neurotoxic venom is painful. It can bring on muscle cramps, vomiting, and dizziness, especially in young children and the elderly.

A family accused chefs of serving poop in their ice cream after they complained about noise during a football match. A bitter row broke out between them and one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs. State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it. Staff at the Coogee Bay Hotel, located just a few minutes south of Bondi Beach, denied the charge. Both the chef and restaurant manager volunteered for DNA tests to prove their innocence. Both sides have accused the other of money seeking, with the Whyte's claiming they were offered $5,000 (£1,500) in hush money by pub General Manager Tony Williams, while they in turn were accused of trying to negotiate up to $1 million in damages.

Maybe it's just me, but if you're okay with eating crispy anchovy snacks I don't see how a crispy cockroach would bother you all that much.  Blech.

More Resume Idiocy....

 These blunders are courtesy of Robert Half International's Resumania.:

"SKILLS: Committed to meeting deadline."
Just one?

"HOBBIES: Michael Bolton."
That's a first.

"SKILLS: I'm try-lingual."
She either speaks three languages or has trouble with just one.

"COVER LETTER: I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver."
Easy for you to say.

"EQUIPMENT: Human brain 1.0."
We'll wait for the upgrade.

"POSITION DESIRED: Profreader."
It doesn't look good...

"DATE OF EMPLOYMENT: 2002-9999."
She's earned her gold watch!

"EDUCATIONAL ACHIEVEMENTS: Maintained a 2.0 GPA."
We can't "C" why you highlighted this fact.

"REFERENCES: Scott."
We'll need a little more to go on.

"EXPERIENCE: Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."
You'll love our vending machine.

"EXPERIENCE: Only employee of a small distribution company."
Can't get much smaller than that.

"APPLICATION: Q: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."
OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

"PERSONAL: I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking."
That's seven words.

"REASON FOR LEAVING: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
We're glad you're not bitter.

"OFFICE EQUIPMENT: Stapler."
Did you find it tough to master?

"EXPERIENCE: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

"EXPERIENCE: I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."
Sounds like you may be going in circles.

"COMPENSATION: My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
And bonuses "tied to" your shoe size?

"WORK EXPERIENCE: Responsibilities included checking customers out."
And then did you rank them on a scale of 1-to-10?

"CURRENT SALARY: $36,000. Salary desired: $250,000."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sunday Silliness

Check out engrish.com for more funny translations...

Well, at least they supply the fork so you can eat your big dump.  

WTF kind of nails require this manicure set?!?!

In their defense, you do have to remove a pin to make it function, like a grenade.  But that's where the similarities end as far as I can tell.

Damn, there goes my plans to barf on the floor while simultaneously rubbing myself on the wall.  

Wash in coleslaw.  Makes sense to me.

Amusing Resume Mistakes

These are quite amusing.....

Resume Mistakes That Keep Hiring Managers Amused But Cost You the Interview
By Barbara Safani


Think resume typos are no big deal? Last year, Accountemps, a temporary staffing firm, interviewed 150 senior executives from some of the nation's largest companies. Forty percent of the respondents said that just one typo on a resume would cause the candidate to be eliminated. Thirty-six percent said it would take just two mistakes before the resume was put in the "no" pile. Here are some of my favorite resume bloopers I found via Job Mob, Resume Hell, and Zimbio. Obviously spell-check isn't all it's cracked up to be.

• Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement 
• Professional headline: 1 year old marketing executive
  
• Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget.
  
• Explanation of employment gap: career break in 1999 to renovate my horse
  
• References: Referees available upon request
  
• Skills: I am a rabid typist
  
• Strengths: Impersonal skills
  
• Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians
  
• Education: College: August 1880 to May 1984
  
• Cover letter: I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.

And just how much information on a resume is too much?

• Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a regular basis
  
• Personal Information: Married, eight children, prefer frequent travel
  
• Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years-but many words are inappropriate for business
  
• Reason for leaving last job: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia
  
• Achievements: Nominated for prom queen
  
• Education: Finished eighth in a class of ten
  
• Interests: Gossiping
  
• Awards: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes
  
• References: Bill, Tom, Eric - but I don't know their phone numbers
  
• Salary: The higher the better
  
• Cover letter: Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated

Sunday Silliness

I love live TV:

Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

Say What? Shocking Interview Stories

By Jenny Peters

We've all had that perfect job interview at least once in our lives, when everything clicks. It's that moment when both interviewer and interviewee realize that each has found exactly what the other is looking for, a moment of happy bliss.
But then there are the other times, those moments when a job interview goes horribly wrong. Perhaps not so funny as it is actually happening, but afterward you can't help but laugh at how strange, bizarre, downright weird the experience was. We asked both recruiters and job applicants to recount the oddest things said in a job interview; and you won't believe some of the things we heard.

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

My first job out of college was working for a big box retailer in their management-training program. Throughout my time there, I interviewed over 1,000 candidates from all walks of life. Far and away the one that I remember the most was with a young male applying for an overnight position.
The least of his problems was that he showed up to the interview 15 minutes late, wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. It went downhill from there.
After a few minutes of questioning, he turned the tables on me and asked, "Why do I have to answer these stupid questions anyway?"
Then followed up immediately with, "You know what, I'm drunk. Can't you just give me the job now so I can leave?"
As I began to list the already large amount of reasons why he couldn't work for us, he pulled a beer out of his pocket to sip on while he was listening.
As any good young professional would do, I asked two of my peers to join me, to continue the interview as if he was a promising candidate, since there was no way they would have believed my story if I hadn't proved it to them.
– By Joe Arends


More interview stories tomorrow....

Sunday Silliness

Don't be the first one to pass out at a party...or else!

I think he's sporting about a B-cup, wouldn't you say?

And his belly button is named Richard.

Commuting gets very, very tiring.

Is that a playground? Now that's klass with a capital K!

The orange wax-like hand of the prankster intrigues me much more than the passed out dude.

Aw, he probably went in to help her hold her hair back, but then realized that the cold tile floor, stall wall and general public bathroom funk looked oh-so-comfortable.

From the I Hope That's Not Permanent Marker files:

How in the hell do you sleep through all that?!?!

The stress of finding nuts can turn anyone to the bottle.

Shot Through The Heart....

My boss got so wasted at an office happy hour one evening that while he was trying to show everyone what a great dart player he is, he accidentally impaled one of his employees in the chest with a metal dart.

I love this one sentence wonder.

By the way, I am also a very bad dart player whose confidence in her skills increases after a few beers.  Just a warning to ya all.

This one was sharp (heh), MotoCheese!

I Wonder Why He Didn't Get The Part?

Crazy actors seem to abound. The truly insane part here is him thinking he can actually sing. My dog howling for a treat sounds better:



I also love the fact that he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. Absolutely precious.

G-Shot

Those new reporters say the darndest things....

Sunday Funday

As these vintage ads show, apparently, in the past, drugs were no biggie:

Seems they were also know as "Black Beauties".

AKA Meth-amphetamine.

By the way, this soothing syrup was 65% morphine.  Now that IS soothing.

Cocaine - at your local soda fountain.

How to deal with a crisis:  see above.

In the 70s Quaaludes made for one happy dad.

Poker Face

My old boss was a complete arrogant a$$hole.  He would have parties at his big old house just to show off to his employees how rich he was, and attendance was pretty mandatory - you'd be on his sh*t list for months of you didn't go.  At these parties, the whole night would pretty much revolve around him telling stories about his latest vacation/safari/boat purchase.

At one party, he decided to demonstrate his latest golf success.  He picked up a fireplace poker and re-enacted his swing at the country club, managing to whack his secretary on the head with it in the process.  Chaos ensued as blood poured form her head, but my boss just looked annoyed at the whole thing and went into the kitchen to refresh his martini.  As people debated who would drive her to the hospital for stitches, he said "Well don't look at me, I just had my car cleaned".

So he got a hole in one - a hole in one secretary's head that is.

Sounds like a fun party, JeromeB.!

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Sunday Silliness

Failblog.org is awesome:

Hope ahead...at the winery.  Makes sense to me.

Infinite loop!  Ha!!

Ahhh, my eyes!  Gah!

I don't think he really needs that hard hat.  He has more than enough natural protection.  I would be amused to see him try to stretch those ear-plug cords to reach his ears though.

Another person who should not procreate.

But probably will.

Size Matters

For Airport Security, Size Matters

Cops: New high-tech screener triggered fight over manhood insult

MAY 6--A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines--the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler--when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him." Instead, Negrin allegedly pulled out a police baton and began striking Osorno, while demanding an apology. A witness told cops that Negrin told Osorno, in Spanish, "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize." When Negrin, wearing his TSA uniform, arrived for work yesterday, he was arrested on an aggravated battery count and booked into the Miami-Dade lockup. Osorno, police reported, suffered "bruises and abrasions on his back and arms" during the attack.

Least Influential People of 2010

I found this rather amusing:

Least Influential People of 2010
By Joel Stein Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

LOSERS

"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.

Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.

Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.

People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.

Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"

Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.

MORONS

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.

Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.

Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.

Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.

Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.

Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.

Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.

Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.

Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.

Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.

Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.

David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.

FLAMEOUTS

Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?

H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.

Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.

Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.

Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.

The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.

Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.

Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.

Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.

Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.

Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.

Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.

General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.

Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.

SLIMY BASTARDS

John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.

Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.

Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.

Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.

Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.

Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.

Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.

Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.

Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.

Hacking Horror

Totally disgusting story about a girl I used to work with.  I have no idea what was wrong with her, but she had some sort of excess phlegm issue.  So she kept a styrofoam cup on her desk and would hack phlegm balls into it all day long, making that gross noise and everything.  And she'd use the same cup for like a week (sometimes longer) before throwing it out and getting a new one.

Just reading this made me kinda nauseous.  *gag*  Can I assume people didn't stop by her desk to chat too often?

I hope you never mistook her spittoon for an empty cup for your coffee, AnneBFree!

I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands

I have a great affinity for crazy people in general, but crazy famous people?!?! LOVE 'EM! So I'm loving this:


Russell Crowe is set to capture America's heart all over again when Robin Hood hits theaters in two weeks. But let us not forget: Russell Crowe is crazy. Some exclusive excerpts from a new book remind us just how crazy.

The following excerpts are taken from

The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
 by Nicole Laporte, which will be released May 4. Her chapter on the making of Gladiator contains these tidbits about what it's like to work with Russell Crowe. First, his negotiation style:

"You motherfucker. I will kill you with my bare hands."



"Hello?" Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.


"You motherfucker," the speaker repeated.


"Who's on the phone? Who is this?" Lustig demanded.


When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.


"Steven," he said. "I'm leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I'm leaving."


Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.


Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor's recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Next, a surly and apparently hung over Russell comes to a script meeting at Ridley Scott's production facility one morning. He insults the recent script changes and walks out. Ridley Scott finally tracks Crowe down and gently ushers him back to the meeting:

Finally, Crowe materialized—unrepentant and sans affability. If Scott's pep talk had any effect, it seemed to have lodged deep in the actor's subconscious. Crowe played along, but refused to summon a scintilla of good humor. He didn't so much recite his lines as growl them in a deranged accent that flitted between indeterminate continents of origin. More absurd was Oliver Reed's delivery. Even though his lines were as long as haiku, he filled them with dramatic flourishes. Having recently renounced drinking, he said that the only thing he was chugging was lemonade, but the question was just what he was mixing in the stuff.


"My oold frrriend," he read, puckering his lips and rolling his r's with all the pomp of a 17th century thespian.


Crowe, in turn, chewed up monologues, spitting out each and every poisonous syllable.


Screenwriter John Logan, who has lovingly crafted many of these lines, watched in horror. He scrawled four words on a piece of paper: "Kill me! Kill me!"


A month later, after filming in England, the shoot moved to Ouarzazate, Morocco – a town near the Sahara Desert, where Hollywood has traditionally gone for its sword and sandal needs (Lawrence of Arabia was filmed in the area). Crowe's mood did not improve. Twice, he had walked off the set. Even when he was supposedly having "fun," Crowe was a puffy pain. After challenging members of the crew to a foot race, and losing, he would mutter for days, "I would have won, but I can't run in the sand in sandals."



Heh! And finally, an inside look at the ferocious working style of the world's greatest actor (Russell Crowe):




Never were Crowe's spirits more in flux than when he was to read the climactic, "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next" scene, in which his character, Maximus, removes his helmet and reveals his identity. It was only the most seminal line in the entire movie, and yet Crowe was convinced that it was ridiculous – overwrought, puffery that no man would ever be caught dead saying, least of all a brawny, sword-carrying killer standing under the unrelenting African sun. Scott was one of the few people who seemed to understand Crowe, that underneath all that volatility was a very scared actor who needed to feel safe. Rather than blow up at him, Scott waited until the tantrum subsided. Then he agreed to shoot the scene the way Crowe preferred.


After doing the take, Crowe still looked dissatisfied. "Let me see the other script again," he said to Scott, referring to the loathed revision. After studying the page stonily, he shrugged. "Well, we might as well try it."


And so, the scene was reshot. Everyone agreed it was brilliant. Everyone, that is, but Crowe. "Russell, what's the problem?" Scott asked, finally showing a hint of exasperation. "It worked."


"It was shit," Crowe repeated, "but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even shit sound good." And with that he marched off.

Bloody Bizarre

Today's is brief...but bizarre:

This woman I used to work with would purposely give herself paper cuts.  Her hands were covered in them.  She tried to hide it while she was actually doing it, but we'd catch her all the time.  Plus there were always drops of blood on any paper you would get from her.

Paper cuts are freakin' AWFUL!  I can't believe anyone would self-inflict them - YOW!

But then again... could you get some sort of on-the-job injury time off?!?!

*heading off to look for extremely sharp paper*

I'm sending you some Latex gloves so you can handle your bio-medical hazard paperwork, GrantedRee.

Finally...Graphs That Make Sense

How many times have you gotten a friend request, and just said "Ugh, really?!?!?"  C'mon, you know you have!

 I rarely use it yet Adobe is always updating itself and demanding that you restart your computer...or else.  

Is it  too early to start drinking?

Actually, for me, its my dog.  Will follow a laser light for hours.  Damn funny.

Heh.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.
-- Yoda

Heading out to catch me some crickets for dinner.

Sunday Silliness

Some people probably should not be parents.  Cases in point:

"Nah, kids, they just put that wall there to be annoying, not for any safety reasons or anything.  But I got an idea...."

I always say you're never to young to learn how to use a deadly weapon.

Who's taking pictures of my kid? 

On a side note, my cart is filled the same way.  But it's a full sized adult cart, of course.

I like the special little chair she's got for him.  How innovative!  And I'm sure it has a seat belt attachment. So, no safety issues here, nosirree!!