More Resume Idiocy....

 These blunders are courtesy of Robert Half International's Resumania.:

"SKILLS: Committed to meeting deadline."
Just one?

"HOBBIES: Michael Bolton."
That's a first.

"SKILLS: I'm try-lingual."
She either speaks three languages or has trouble with just one.

"COVER LETTER: I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver."
Easy for you to say.

"EQUIPMENT: Human brain 1.0."
We'll wait for the upgrade.

"POSITION DESIRED: Profreader."
It doesn't look good...

"DATE OF EMPLOYMENT: 2002-9999."
She's earned her gold watch!

"EDUCATIONAL ACHIEVEMENTS: Maintained a 2.0 GPA."
We can't "C" why you highlighted this fact.

"REFERENCES: Scott."
We'll need a little more to go on.

"EXPERIENCE: Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting."
You'll love our vending machine.

"EXPERIENCE: Only employee of a small distribution company."
Can't get much smaller than that.

"APPLICATION: Q: How large was the department you worked in with your last company? "A: 3 stories."
OK ... Then, approximately how many people sat on each floor?

"PERSONAL: I can describe myself in three words: committed, hard working, and very strategic thinking."
That's seven words.

"REASON FOR LEAVING: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
We're glad you're not bitter.

"OFFICE EQUIPMENT: Stapler."
Did you find it tough to master?

"EXPERIENCE: "Responsibilities included recruiting, screening, interviewing and executing final candidates."
Seems kind of harsh ...

"EXPERIENCE: I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around."
Sounds like you may be going in circles.

"COMPENSATION: My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
And bonuses "tied to" your shoe size?

"WORK EXPERIENCE: Responsibilities included checking customers out."
And then did you rank them on a scale of 1-to-10?

"CURRENT SALARY: $36,000. Salary desired: $250,000."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Sunday Silliness

Check out engrish.com for more funny translations...

Well, at least they supply the fork so you can eat your big dump.  

WTF kind of nails require this manicure set?!?!

In their defense, you do have to remove a pin to make it function, like a grenade.  But that's where the similarities end as far as I can tell.

Damn, there goes my plans to barf on the floor while simultaneously rubbing myself on the wall.  

Wash in coleslaw.  Makes sense to me.

Amusing Resume Mistakes

These are quite amusing.....

Resume Mistakes That Keep Hiring Managers Amused But Cost You the Interview
By Barbara Safani


Think resume typos are no big deal? Last year, Accountemps, a temporary staffing firm, interviewed 150 senior executives from some of the nation's largest companies. Forty percent of the respondents said that just one typo on a resume would cause the candidate to be eliminated. Thirty-six percent said it would take just two mistakes before the resume was put in the "no" pile. Here are some of my favorite resume bloopers I found via Job Mob, Resume Hell, and Zimbio. Obviously spell-check isn't all it's cracked up to be.

• Objective: Seeking a party-time position with room for advancement 
• Professional headline: 1 year old marketing executive
  
• Achievement: Planned new corporate facility at $3M over budget.
  
• Explanation of employment gap: career break in 1999 to renovate my horse
  
• References: Referees available upon request
  
• Skills: I am a rabid typist
  
• Strengths: Impersonal skills
  
• Hobbies: Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians
  
• Education: College: August 1880 to May 1984
  
• Cover letter: I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.

And just how much information on a resume is too much?

• Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a regular basis
  
• Personal Information: Married, eight children, prefer frequent travel
  
• Language Skills: Exposure to German for two years-but many words are inappropriate for business
  
• Reason for leaving last job: the owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia
  
• Achievements: Nominated for prom queen
  
• Education: Finished eighth in a class of ten
  
• Interests: Gossiping
  
• Awards: National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes
  
• References: Bill, Tom, Eric - but I don't know their phone numbers
  
• Salary: The higher the better
  
• Cover letter: Please disregard the attached resume; it's totally outdated

Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

I Wonder Why He Didn't Get The Part?

Crazy actors seem to abound. The truly insane part here is him thinking he can actually sing. My dog howling for a treat sounds better:



I also love the fact that he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. Absolutely precious.

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Sunday Silliness

Failblog.org is awesome:

Hope ahead...at the winery.  Makes sense to me.

Infinite loop!  Ha!!

Ahhh, my eyes!  Gah!

I don't think he really needs that hard hat.  He has more than enough natural protection.  I would be amused to see him try to stretch those ear-plug cords to reach his ears though.

Another person who should not procreate.

But probably will.

Spit-Shine

A waitress I once worked with was not very bright. If she saw spots on a glass in the dish room, she would spit on her finger and rub them off, then shine the glass on her sweaty work shirt. The worst part is that she saw nothing wrong with that practice until one day....

a customer complained about a spotty glass. She did her spit/shine routine right at their table and put the glass back down at the place setting. She didn't understand why the customer was so freaked out, and insisted it was no big deal because her "mother used to do that all the time at home". The manager got called over, and she was fired immediately.

Is it weird that this post make me a little sad? Just the fact that she didn't understand the problem kinda depresses me.

Or maybe it's just PMS.

Time for chocolate and a weepy Lifetime movie. Oooooooh, and potato chips. Okay, gotta go!

Your dishwasher at work apparently sucks, Sweetie99!

Home Sweet Home

A friend of mine is an architect.  His personal style is classy, understated and elegant, but he has to pander to the desires of his clients, obviously.  In this day and age of gaudy McMansions, he is requested to do all sorts of insane things - one client even requested a huge gilded two seater swing hanging in their two story foyer.  Eventually, he became so exasperated he decided to go a little crazy with his plans and throw in the most bizarre features he could imagine just to see what would happen.  "Floating bathtub" mounted on clear pedestals - client loved it.  Toilet encased in a raised throne - client loved it.  Curved walls in a hallway to create the illusion of walking through a tube - you guessed it, they loved it.

He hates just about every job he has done, but he is in high demand and rolling in dough.

You know what? Curved walls would make cleaning so much easier.  No more dust (or in my home, dog hair - and lots of it) accumulating in the non-existent corners.

Though I would probably have some big problems when tipsy.

How can I get me one of them there toilet thrones, Sebastian?

Fiber Optic Aliens

I was in a meeting the other day, presenting some stuff to a group of people.  One woman was FLOORED by what she called "the amazing technology".  Mind you, I was demonstrating some very basic stuff.  Since it appeared she was none too bright, I thought I'd play with her a little bit.  So I told her "Yeah, all this technology came from the aliens at Roswell, even fiber optics and all that".  Her eyes almost bugged out of her head as she bought my bull.  Then I suggested that the best road trip ever would be to get an RV and go to Roswell, to which she replied "I'd LOVE to do that, that is so going on my bucket list."

That was a fun meeting.

Road trip to a desert in New Mexico!  Yeah!! Wahoo!

That was sarcasm, by the way.

I don't know if that was exactly a nice thing to do, but it sure was an amusing one,  MyFavoriteGuy!

Sunday Funnies

Help wanted:

Aw, crap, and I was all dressed and ready for my interview:

Anyway, moving on....

Siriusly, it's kinda sad when people learn to spell from satellite radio.

I wat you to helf me understand the little cat ears in the lower corner.

 

I don't have one, so I'd better get out there and commit some crimes so I can get this job!

Inspires ambition, doncha think?

I don't know which scares me more - their desire for freaks and misfits, or the idea of a Tiny Tea Tent.

Is this also in the Tiny Tea Tent?  "Today's entertainment - watch our piano player perform while opening clams - simultaneously!"

Sunday Funday

Some gems from There I Fixed It:

I don't blame this person for worrying about their car being stolen.  I mean, a mint condition ride like this...

I actually find this kind of bizarrely clever.

Yeah, this one isn't so clever.  In fact it's rather shocking (ba da bum).

Another one that seems kinda like a good idea to me - if you live close enough to bike to your grocery, how else could you carry a bunch of bags?   

And another not so good idea. 

And finally - uses for duct tape are endless, doncha think?

Missing Intelligence

Are these true?  What the hell do I know.  But they ARE funny - and using the people I come across everyday as a gauge of general intelligence levels, I wouldn't be suprised if they are.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.  It's pronounced "Ledasha".  When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash isn't silent."

Proper Attire (Well, For Hookers, At Least)

Whoa, Dan the Funeral Man really loves us:

I totally forgot another incident! One time the staff was closing up after a viewing.  We had solemnly ushered out all the guests, locked the doors, and began cleaning up.  We were in the hallway gabbing loudly for a few minutes, talking in particular about the grandaughter of the deceased who had attended the viewing dressed as though she was ready to solicit men on a street corner.  Hot pink tight dress that barely covered her butt, big dangling earrings, teased hair, stillettos - the works.  We were calling her all different unflattering names and laughing loudly, when we hear the bathroom door open. 

Apparently we were wrong, all the guests had NOT left the building.  Two were left - and they happened to be the hooker-dressed woman's mother and grandmother.  They HAD to have heard us; and scurried out while not meeting our eyes.  I think they had been embarrassed by her too.

On a side note, if you think it's irreverent that we were talking and laughing while, essentially, a deceased person lay there, well....in this business you have to maintain a sense of detachment or you'd become clinically depressed.

Wow, you guys really put the fun in funeral!

Who knows, maybe she had to leave for her job directly after, and didn't have time to change in between. 

Beauty Queen Brilliance

I found this hysterically funny, so I had to share.  My favorite is Miss Panama...who knew Confucius invented confusion? Ya learn something new everyday.


Lauren Caitlin Upton - Miss Teen South Carolina

Response to why 1/5 Americans can't locate the U.S. on a map: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Carrie Prejean - Miss California

On whether or not God opposes breast implants: "No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants."

Nadine Tanega - Miss Hawaii

At Miss World American 1992: "We are truly the land of the great. From the rock shores of... Hawaii... to the beautiful sandy beaches of... Hawaii... America is our home."

Jeannie Anderson - Miss Philippines

Question: Would you rather be more smart, or more beautiful? "Well, I'd rather choose to be beautiful, um because, to be beautiful it's natural. But being smart you can learn... you can learn, um a lot of things... a lot of things from the experience... you can learn from a lot of things being smart."

Alicia-Minique Blanco - Miss Arizona

Should the U.S. have universal health care as a right of citizenship? "I think this is an issue of integrity regardless of which end of the political spectrum that I stand on. I was raised in a family to know right from wrong and politics, whether or not you fall in the middle, the left or the right its an issue of integrity, no matter what your opinion is, and I say that with the utmost conviction."

The Pearl Harbor Girl

What is the most important event in our nation's history? "In my opinion, Pearl Harbor which occurred on December 7, 1941 was the most significant event in our nation's history because [long pause] because it ended the great depression and forced us into the World War II, and... [long pause] ...And our country experienced patriotism and unity."

Miss Panama

Explain the Confucius quote "Learning without thought is labor lost": "Good evening, Panama. Confucius was one of whom invented confusion and that's why, uhh... One of the most ancient, he was one of the Chinese.... Japanese who were one of the most ancient. Thank you."

Mortuary Madness

My family owns a funeral parlor.  It's a big house, and we live above the funeral parlor itself, on the second floor, which I am sure will creep some people out.  But since I have been living here since birth, I'm so used to it that it doesn't seem weird to me at all.  I have always worked for the family biz, and when my dad retired and moved to Florida, I took over completely.

One time my staff made a pretty significant mistake.  We had two viewings that day, and the men both had similar names, we will call them John Robertson and Robert Johnson.  The staff put John R. in one viewing room, but put out the flowers and the placard for Robert J.  And vice versa in Robert J.'s room.

Imagine both family's surprise when they arrived to say good-bye to their loved one and.....it wasn't him.  There was much shuffling and confusion to rectify that mess.

Your Dad worked at a funeral parlor all those years and retired in Florida?  You would think he'd want to get away from old corpses.  Just kidding, Floridians, I love your state!  Especially as I look out the window at more snow.

We have more from Dan the Funeral Man tomorrow!

Celebrity Insanity

What can be more fun than when a celebrity goes a little nutty?

We'll start with the most famous, which I'm pretty sure EVERYONE has seen, but it's still entertaining enough to watch again.



Mike Tyson most certainly seems to have several screws loose:



Good old Mel Gibson. He was once one of the biggest movie stars, and people adored him. Then he became an angry, offensive drunk. And now a very cranky interviewee.





I don't think Quentin Tarantino likes this woman very much:



We thought Bjork's swan dress was crazy:

Bitchin' Server

I worked at one of those big chain restaurants, and we had, like, a gazillion waitresses. The place was always packed and hectic. One girl I worked with, Sue, had a bad work ethic. Some days she came in hungover, others she was just plain cranky and bitchy. When she knew she'd be having a bad day and giving crappy service, she would introduce herself as Kelly, a waitress that no one liked. So all her customer complaints were about Kelly and not who had REALLY sucked, good old Sue.

If I head to a chain restaurant and get a bitchy waitress that introduces herself as Kelly, you know I am going to be thinking twice...

Just be sure to not piss off Sue, AndreaPensy!

Richard Bastard

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers-such as their political affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.


The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

FYI:  Snopes - Rich Bastard

Too bad they didn't have a customer actually named Richard Bastard.  Coulda covered their asses with him.