Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008


A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.


Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.


The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.


The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees.  I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this.  "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."

*gag*

Ten (Or Maybe Just Eight) Stupid People

Here's another one of those stupid people in the news kinda things.  I did try to verify these, and as far as I can ascertain, the only ones that are definitively false are 4 amd 10.  Which sucks, because I loooove number 4.  The rest are either factual or at least have some kernal of truth to them.

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men
to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.  The chef's claim was approved.
   
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. 'Understandably', he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer....

$15. [If someone points a gun at you and GIVES you money, has a crime been committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

As for there being a tape of number 7, I searched and found the following - but it has two idiots rather than just a lone fool, so it may not be the right one.

2009 Darwin Awards

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist.... HONEST!

Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves to one side).

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said.

Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award
(awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Finger Lickin' Good: Don't Try This At Home

By Ed Orum


There's a certain chicken chain where "finger lickin' good" has proved to be advertising gold.

This isn't a story about that.


It's the tale of former British supermarket employee who has taken the idea to a new level of bizarreness.

30-year old Adeel Ayub is facing criminal charges for, among other things, licking raw chickens and placing them back on store shelves for unsuspecting shoppers. Digest that for a minute while you ponder how he didn't contract salmonella, and you're probably wondering why anyone would do such a thing. As they say on TV, "But Wait, That's Not All!"

Seems Ayub was dumb enough to let a co-worker tape the shenanigans.

The video is now making the rounds online, and it shows some of the laundry list of offenses including urinating into garbage cans, throwing raw eggs, slashing his colleagues' clothes, discharging fire extinguishers and playing rock star in the break room by tearing up the place. There was also a game of stockroom baseball with items destined for store shelves.



Ayub worked for four years at the British supermarket chain Asda, which is owned by Walmart. While he has already apologized for the antics - which took place a few years ago - he gives no reason for his extra-curricular activities. He's due in court later this month.

So of course I searched for the video, so you don't have to:

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

The $1 Million Striptease

By Ed Orum

After suffering through eight years of being harassed by her male colleagues, a British businesswoman wants her final paycheck - $1 million dollars.


Haley Tansey is suing her former employer for all the ways she was wronged over the years as a traveling loan manager at a bank. Testimony from her ongoing trial sounds like the storyline of a late night cable movie!


How's this for creepy? The married mother of one says she once woke up in a hotel room with the feeling of being watched. When she opened her eyes, she saw her male colleague standing over her bed, watching her sleep. Asking him to scram only made matters worse - he went into the bathroom and came out naked!

The two weren't sharing a room - the co-worker had managed to sneak his way in by telling a hotel employee he was her boyfriend and was too drunk to open the door.


Part of that was correct - the man was apparently pretty tipsy - some reports say he downed ten beers before the stripping stunt. Earlier that night, Tansey thought she was in the clear after successfully avoiding flirtatious advances from the married father of three before they retired to their respective rooms.

While this might be the most bizarre story to come out of the trial, apparently there are plenty of other reasons that forced Tansey to quit her job - including colleagues bragging about their bedroom antics, the exchange of X-rated DVDs and "grading" the female staff.

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Peeping Tom Spying On Co-workers Gets Busted

By Ed Orum

Putting a spy camera in your bathroom at work doesn't exactly scream "team player."


There's certain amount of trust we place in our co-workers. Day in and day out, we're clustered together in close quarters, participating in office pools and celebrating seasonal holidays with pot-luck lunches.

25-year old Miguel Bribiescas of Elgin, Illinois broke that trust, and the law according to The Daily Herald.

The wood-flooring company employee admitted to police that he had placed a pen-sized spy camera in a bathroom at his work. His plan to angle for an ogle of his female colleagues didn't exactly work out -Bribiescas has pleaded guilty to a felony charge and faces up to three years in prison.

Bad for him, but how creeped out must his co-workers be? Cops say the camera was able to sneak a peek at just one female co-worker before it was discovered.

When authorities looked at the tape, it wasn't as salacious as you might think. Apparently Bribiescas isn't a tech genius, nor is he the brightest criminal on the block. Most of the video shows the perp himself looking into the lens in an attempt to figure out how to use the device.


A picture is worth a thousand words - and in this case, something tells me Bribiescas won't be getting employee of the month.

Sailing, Takes Me Away...

Back in the 80s to 90s, I was a crew member on a very large cruise ship, and I can tell you that the passengers have absolutely no clue what happens below deck. 

I'm sure this part can't be occurring anymore, with stricter environmental guidelines in place and hefty fines, but late at night we used to dump our garbage off the ship right into the ocean.  Big black bags of it, just coming right off the back of the ship.

But I'm sure this part still happens: the crew and entertainment workers are like one big incestuous family.  We had our own bar on a lower deck, nothing like the ones the passengers go to - ours was (and I'm sure still is)  a bare bones, low class gin-mill type of place.  The crew gets drunk just about every night, and you never knew who would wind up in what bed or who they would wake up next to.  What makes that even more raunchy as I look back on it is that the crew stayed in rooms of 2 or 4 people each.  So there was no privacy for these shenanigans. There were even occasions when a crew member might manage to rotate through all four beds and all four roomates in one drunken night.  The top billed members of the entertainment groups would usually have a single room, and people would hook up with them not due to attraction, but for the chance of a night of privacy.

The drunken fights were pretty legendary, too. 

The better looking male crew members (alas, I was not one of them) would have women passengers throwing themselves at them.  From the very young to the very old, it seemed a badge of honor to 'get' a crew member.  These male crew members were used to this, and used to have a standard line of "I've never gotten together with a passenger before, but you, I couldn't resist."  (Insert major gagging and barfing sounds here.  Thanks.)  Of course, little did the women know they were just one of hundreds, maybe thousands to hear the same routine.

Ah, we were young and crazy.

Young, crazy, and most likely disease-ridden with livers ready to go on strike.

Hope you had huge supply of condoms and penicillin in those days, CruisingMan.

Free My Willy

Back in high school, I worked at a video rental store.  One of the guys I worked with thought it was hysterical to switch the tapes around into the incorrect boxes.  His favorite was to put pornos into kid's movie boxes.  When people would come back irate, he would just blame the customer that had the tape previously.

I really have to say, that's kinda sick getting kicks outta the possibility of exposing kids to that kinda stuff.

But anyway...

So the movies they got were more like Throbbin' Hood, Mary Poopins and Free My Willy? 

Oy, that was bad.

Not gonna get my movies from your place, GrandSlammer (even your name sounds a little porn-y, ya know?)

Shrimp Tales

The owner of the restaurant where I waitress is CHEAP. I will outline some of her cost cutting methods:


The spray bottles that we use to disinfect tables and other surfaces are not filled with cleaning product, but rather, water.

If any rolls are uneaten in bread baskets, they just go back to the kitchen to have a few new rolls thrown on top. Once a customer found shrimp tails in the bottom of their basket.

Salsa or any sort of dip left in dishes just gets thrown in a communal pot to use again. Same with lettuce for salads.


The soap in the bathrooms is usually diluted to about 75% water. And that's the soap we use too before preparing your food.


If the cloth napkins LOOK clean, she will fold them up to be reused. That's why our napkins are black; it hides stains better.

Free shrimp tails and a side of salmonella with every entree!  What more can ya ask for?

Hey, Brit, here's a tip - don't eat at your own place of work!

Happy Ending

I had a job as a receptionist for a female chiropractor.  She was great to work for, a sweet lady.  Most of her clientele were male, but I never gave that a second thought until the day the police came in and arrested her.


Apparently not only did she offer spine adjustments, but 'happy endings' as well.

I think that was rather enterprising of her.  I mean, there they are, already lying down so...there ya go!  She combined two careers into one lucrative business.   Wonder if she got tips too?

Gotta go and check on finding a chiropratic school that will accept me.

Thanks for introducing me to a new career path, EricaJ.!