Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Sunday Funnies

I'm totally diggin the Wedinator:

Daddy looks a little ill.  He probably can't WAIT to give his daughter away....

This one gave me such a headache.

Very.  Very.  Disturbing.  And why are they so greasy?!?!?

Klassy.  I think the meaning of wearing white got lost here somehow.

Proper Attire (Well, For Hookers, At Least)

Whoa, Dan the Funeral Man really loves us:

I totally forgot another incident! One time the staff was closing up after a viewing.  We had solemnly ushered out all the guests, locked the doors, and began cleaning up.  We were in the hallway gabbing loudly for a few minutes, talking in particular about the grandaughter of the deceased who had attended the viewing dressed as though she was ready to solicit men on a street corner.  Hot pink tight dress that barely covered her butt, big dangling earrings, teased hair, stillettos - the works.  We were calling her all different unflattering names and laughing loudly, when we hear the bathroom door open. 

Apparently we were wrong, all the guests had NOT left the building.  Two were left - and they happened to be the hooker-dressed woman's mother and grandmother.  They HAD to have heard us; and scurried out while not meeting our eyes.  I think they had been embarrassed by her too.

On a side note, if you think it's irreverent that we were talking and laughing while, essentially, a deceased person lay there, well....in this business you have to maintain a sense of detachment or you'd become clinically depressed.

Wow, you guys really put the fun in funeral!

Who knows, maybe she had to leave for her job directly after, and didn't have time to change in between. 

Swingin' In The Breeze

I worked with the lady who was probably in her 50s.  She was normal in every way EXCEPT.... she had an apparent aversion to bras.  And she was a big woman, with big, hanging boobs.  Every day you could see her shaking like Jello as she walked; mind you, the Jello was somewhere around her waist.

The funniest part involved our communal office printer.  If you sent something to it to print, you could hear if it jammed.  When this would happened to our bra-less buddy, she would take off running at high speed to save her document, her boobs flapping in the wind.

She's lucky she didn't get a black eye from one o' those babies!

Thanks to Linsey, for this rather disturbing image.

Is That A Squeegee Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The company I work for washes windows.  One day one of my co-workers ( a new hire) was assigned to do a hotel, five stories tall.  The day after he got fired.

Turned out, as he was rapelling in his harness from window to window, he purposely left his fly open so his "junk" would be on display.  Only one person noticed, but that was more than enough to get him fired.

Hmm, I don't get it.  Seems a perfectly legitimate way to pick up chicks.

Be sure to keep your 'squeegee' in your pants, HarnessHarry!

Bye, Bye, 2009

New Year's Eve can be a time of celebrating - sometimes to excess:

Can this be considered art?  I think so.  But then again I have never been known for my highbrow tastes.

I must be getting old because all I can think is "Who the hell is going to clean this up?!?"

Drunken yoga pose - the Downward Facing Drunk.

Well, at least they left his head uncovered. 

Waking up the next day can tough, too, you never know where you might wind up:

At least he was headed in the right direction. 

Four...more...stairs... and he would have been - well, somewhere.

Have a great New Year's Eve everyone, be responsible, and remember that cab drivers are your friends!

Totally, Like, Gross!!!!

Let's keep in the mall Santa mood we started yesterday, shall we?

OMG, the Santa I worked with at the mall was so DISGUSTING.  He was totally, like, dirty and smelly!!!  He had a real Santa looking beard, but it was all tangled and had food chunks.  You had to hold your nose when you dropped the kid on his lap!

But it gets SOOOO worse!!  Turns out that real beard had more that his lunch in it - he gave us and a WHOLE lot of the kids lice!!! So yucky!  He got fired!!

So I'm guessing this was a job you held on your high school holiday break?  Like, don't ask me how I know, but I just, like TOTALLY DO!!!!!!

And I'm sure the parents appreciated when you dropped their kids on his lap.  Are you available for babysitting?

How's that infestation going, TianaT.?

Frosted Nipples

Office holiday parties are notorious for people getting drunk and doing things they regret.  At mine a few years ago, a coworker I will call "Bob" was putting down drinks as fast as they could pour them.  He seemed to be handling it okay, until the moment he whipped off his shirt, exposing his hairy man boobs, and started gyrating his hips to the music.  Then he scraped some frosting off one of the desserts and applied it to his nipples, offering anyone, female or male, $100 to lick it off.

There were no takers.

Luckily for him we had a week off after the party.  He returned to work acting as if nothing had happened.  For all I know he remembers none of it.

There were NO pictures?!?! Seriously, this is the reason cell phone cameras were invented - for moments such as this.

By the way, $100 is a nice bit of cash, I'd consider it...but he would have to up it to $200 if I got a chest hair included in my frosting.

Yum!

Hope this year's party is as good, HighFlyingGL!

In The Pink

A woman I work with has a strange obsession with the color pink.  She is around 50ish, I would say, and works in the cubicle next to mine.  She has wallpapered her cubicle and desk with pink contact paper, and she brings in her own pink office supplies.  Where she finds pink pens, pink tape dispensers, pink staplers AND staples is beyond me, but she does.  Her mug is pink,  her clothes are some shade of pink every day, her handbag is pink and her favorite shoes are these sky high stiletto heels in - you guessed it - pink.   She is a tall and heavy woman, so she resembles a large pink cloud of cotton candy tottering around the office on pink stilts.

The ultimate weirdness is that she has a picture of her Maltese on her desk, and loves to show it off and tell everyone how hard it was to find a groomer that would dye her dog freakin' PINK!!

I am so dying to take a visit to her house.  It must feel like being in a very large, better lit womb with furniture.

And then I would steal her dog and dye it green just for kicks.

Thanks to Andrea71, and we all know you're just jealous that you don't have your own personal color.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Many years ago I worked with a man who hated his job and made it clear to everyone how badly he wanted to get fired.  Our boss knew this, but wanted to force him to quit rather than allow him to get severance and collect unemployment.  So it became a contest of wills.

The fellow who wanted to be fired took to wearing increasingly bizarre outfits to work.  Its started with a robe and pajamas and went all the way to full on drag.  The boss pretended nothing was amiss with his clothing, while at the same time piling more and more weird tasks on him, such as watering the front lawns (while he was dressed as a woman), trying to force him to quit.  At this point the rest of us workers were truly enjoying whatever new spectacles that these two had for us each day.  Work was most certainly not dull.

It finally became too much when the one who wanted to be fired decided to let his personal hygiene slide.  No more bathing, toothbrushing or changing his clothes anymore.  That's when it became unbearable for the rest of us, and we forced our boss's hand.

He was handed his walking papers with a big 'YOU WIN' written across them.

Great ideas!  I am so getting out the panty hose, high heels and a dress to wear Monday morning so I can get outta this job...

Oh, crap, that's not gonna work for me since I'm female, will it?  And I'm just not willing to go the poor hygiene route.

Or am I?

Thanks to GrannyBee!
 

Oompa Loompa Bimbo

Our receptionsist prior to the one we have now was a real ditz.  Bimbo would be a good description actually.  She had a huge mound of bleached hair teased all around her head, wore shirts that put her cleavage front and center, skirts that barely covered her butt, chewed gum at all times, and used fake tanner to create an Oompa Loompa-like hue.

One day I noticed that the front desk phone was riginging like crazy, but it seemed that none of the calls were being transferred back to any of us, which was odd.  So I walked up quietly behind her and watched for few moments.

It seems that when things got hectic, she figured out the way to lessen her workload was to answer each line, say "please hold", and then hang up rather than pressing hold.  When our boss confronted her about this practice, she tried to defend herself by saying that she was helping out everyone that worked there because only about half the people called back. She claimed she was eliminating uneccessary calls, because if it was REALLY important, they would have called back. 

I am really, REALLY hoping you don't work at the 911 call center.

Please hold, GrecianSea, for your thank you!

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

Funny doctor stuff - 'cause we all know being a doctor is a bunch of laughs and crazy, fun times, right?

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

Ok, Dr. Mark, why didn't the woman in the wrong cab object to this?  Was she comatose or dead?  Or are you just really hot so she didn't mind the underwear removal?

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. '"Big breaths" I instructed. '"Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

I bet that poor woman never forgave herself for serving beans the night before...

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. '"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered  "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste."  Bob replied. I then asked  to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI



You know, KY Jelly might actually taste better than hospital food. Any of you who have eaten it know what I mean.

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read  'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name


How do you know it was dyed? Maybe she's a natural greenhead.

As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Dr. wouldn't submit his name


I wouldn't submit my name either, what kind of freak whistles that song?







*goes off singing into the sunset "Oh I Wish I....*

Perfectionist Defectionist

My employee Victor was an Olympic athlete that escaped from the Hungarian Olympic team in France, joined the Foreign Legion, went AWOL and somehow got into the US.  He was a stripper (unfortunately, not the naked kind -  the photography kind). It's a very stressful and precise job.  One day Victor was having a few problems and things were not going as smoothly as usual. Nothing serious, but Victor was a perfectionist and he got very upset when he wasn't perfect.

Victor was a born again fundamentalist who believed God controlled everything. When things didn't go perfectly, he of course felt God had a hand in it. So one day, after a couple of minor errors, which required him to do something over, he looked up at the ceiling and shook his fist at God and said "If you think this is so easy I'd like to see you come down here and do it."

He was such a literal believer that he blamed God for everything that went wrong. One morning he choked on a jelly donut and he chastised God for the rest of the day. He always lived in an apartment that his friends rented. He owned two pairs of socks and two pairs of underwear and washed them out every night. That's not an exaggeration, it's actually true. He wore warm up type athletic clothes every day and he was a very fit athlete.

 We sometimes needed to do alterations on the photos with chemicals and we provided blue lab coats to protect employee's clothing. Well, Victor fell in love with the lab coat concept and wore his every day over his athletic gear.  Victor would always go out during his lunch hour wearing the lab coat to either take a walk, or do some sunbathing. One day he decided to go into an open area in the parking lot and lay down for a short nap and get some sunbathing in.

You can guess. Some passerby saw him stretched out and thought he was dead. They called the police and when my partner and I returned from lunch we saw police cars and an ambulance trying to aid him.

Another time he was standing in his lab coat outside our building, holding a cup of coffee.

Yes, you probably guessed it again, someone mistook him for a homeless person and dropped a quarter into his coffee.

So what I want to know is, DID God come on down and help? 

And where can I get one of these awesome lab coats?   But I'd prefer dollars to quarters - thanks.

Good story, Bob!

Helpful Hints

I have gotten quite a few submissions from people who work in the fast food industry.  They have taught me exactly what I should and should not do in order to gain employment and be a stellar employee at one of these establishments.  I will let you in on the tips I have gleaned, just because I enjoy being generous and helping others.  Heh.

1.  Make sure to never wash your hands, hair or armpits.  The worse the you smell, the better.

2.  Have insanely bad bathroom habits.  Do not flush, nor wash up after.

3.   Pick your pimples, ears  or nose, preferably all three, at any given opportunity.

4.  Carry a plastic kiddie lunch box with a lunch your mother has made for you, even if you are a full fledged adult.

4.  Have  a loooong resume, the longer the better.  Ten pages should just about do it.  Make sure that you have outlined your inability to hold a job for longer than two months.

5.   Dress to impress for your interview.  For example, a holey white T-shirt and a skirt or pants that are way too tight should do the trick.

6.   Wear those same clothes you got hired in every day.

7.   Never cover your sneezes or coughs.  This is important, as mucus adds flavor.

8.   Pick you fingernails and let the pieces fall into the salad bar.  A little crunch is always appealing in a salad.  Who needs croutons?

9.   Braces, lisps, or any other speech impediments that cause you to spit as you talk is a bonus.

10.  Lick all food products before they are given to the customer.  This is simply good customer service.

Thanks to Badguy, Cheex17, SomeNewlyMarriedWife, AngieP. and YesChef! for their contributions to my future employment.

Pants-less Romanians

I work at a restaurant and we had employees come from Romania for a college/work visa for the summer. I offered to take them home one night; they thought it would be hilarious to strip down to their tighty whities and get in my car in just that and their aprons & bow ties. Hysterical as it was, I pretended to be scarred for life.

You could have dropped them off at a Chippendales (do those even exist anymore?!) and made a bundle off of  these dudes. 

And by the way, how exactly did you offer to 'take them home'?  Maybe it got lost in translation, and they took it to mean YOUR home and just wanted to get themselves ready for the, um, fun.

Thank you, Anonymous (ya know, there are a heck of a lotta people named that)!

Is That For Here Or To Go?

I feel the need to write this one in the approximation of a New Yawk accent (and hey, if I'm offending anyone, I am actually originally from there, so a big bronx cheer to you).

I work inna pizza place in New York City.  Trust me, every food establishment in da city has either rats or cockroaches, quite possibly both.  We had traps all over outta da view udda customers, but we hadda stubborn rat that would nevah get himself caught.  One day, for whatevah reason, maybe he liked da pizza, I dunno, but he climbed inna one of the ovens, tru the back I guess.  We found him cooked on toppa a pizza. 

We sold da pizza anyway.

Okay, I'll have a pizza with, let's see...mushrooms, sausage and oh, yeah, if you could add a few rat hairs for texture, that would be great.

Thanks to Guido (see why I had to write it like I did? his name compelled me to)!

Don't Be A Wiseguy

There was a guy where I worked who liked to act like he was one of the Sopranos, even though he was a tiny little nerdy guy with glasses.  If anyone complained about someone, say a neighbor for example, he'd say "I could have him taken care of for ya" while attempting to look all tough and mysterious (which he was incapable of; it wasn't intimidating at all, just hilarious).  He dyed his hair jet black, greased it back, had huge gold medallions hanging around his neck and walked with this bizarre strut.  Sometimes he'd hang up the phone when someone would walk near him and say "You don't wanna be hearin' any of dat stuff.  Could be bad for ya."  When five o'clock rolled around, he's look at his watch and say things like "Gotta get outta here, got some REAL business to attend to, if ya know what I mean."

The sad part was we all knew he lived with his mother and a whole bunch of cats.  He was just a dork trying to act tough.

That would be genius though! No one would ever suspect him!  I suggest you stay away from Mommy and the cats, if you know what's good for ya.

Thanks to Lil!

Commando!

Moose says:

We had a woman here at work who used to wear really, REALLY short skirts to work. And then announce to all who would listen that she was going commando (underwear free, for those who might not be up on skank slang).

She would sit in conferences crossing and uncrossing her legs all the time like that scene in Basic Instinct. I think she was attempting to come off as sexy and carefree.

It didn't work. More like sleazy and desperate.

So I guess all the guys at the office were trying to snatch a glance? Or glance a ....ahem, you know.

Sorry. I really couldn't help myself with that one.

Skid Marks

Don't touch Rachel's hair. You will know why after reading her story:

Well, one day, my boss hired this guy to be the new intern where I work. He was supposed to fetch the paid workers coffee, muffins, tea or whatever else we wanted. He always did strange things; we would ask for coffee and he would bring us a tea. Most of us grew used to it. One day I requested "Will you go get me my jacket? It's freezing in here." At first I thought he was going to get the jacket, until he came back NAKED, ran over to me, put his tighty whities over my head and said "Better?" I replied: "YOU ARE FIRED, YOU (expletives deleted for those with delicate sensibilities ). Pulling his underwear off my head, I realized it had a terrible stench and a big skid mark in the seat. I didn't get out off the shower for over 3 hours when I got home.

But, really, what do you want from an unpaid intern? You get what you pay for and all that!