Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

Say What? Shocking Interview Stories

By Jenny Peters

We've all had that perfect job interview at least once in our lives, when everything clicks. It's that moment when both interviewer and interviewee realize that each has found exactly what the other is looking for, a moment of happy bliss.
But then there are the other times, those moments when a job interview goes horribly wrong. Perhaps not so funny as it is actually happening, but afterward you can't help but laugh at how strange, bizarre, downright weird the experience was. We asked both recruiters and job applicants to recount the oddest things said in a job interview; and you won't believe some of the things we heard.

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

My first job out of college was working for a big box retailer in their management-training program. Throughout my time there, I interviewed over 1,000 candidates from all walks of life. Far and away the one that I remember the most was with a young male applying for an overnight position.
The least of his problems was that he showed up to the interview 15 minutes late, wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. It went downhill from there.
After a few minutes of questioning, he turned the tables on me and asked, "Why do I have to answer these stupid questions anyway?"
Then followed up immediately with, "You know what, I'm drunk. Can't you just give me the job now so I can leave?"
As I began to list the already large amount of reasons why he couldn't work for us, he pulled a beer out of his pocket to sip on while he was listening.
As any good young professional would do, I asked two of my peers to join me, to continue the interview as if he was a promising candidate, since there was no way they would have believed my story if I hadn't proved it to them.
– By Joe Arends


More interview stories tomorrow....

I Wonder Why He Didn't Get The Part?

Crazy actors seem to abound. The truly insane part here is him thinking he can actually sing. My dog howling for a treat sounds better:



I also love the fact that he's got a bad case of the crazy eyes. Absolutely precious.

Poker Face

My old boss was a complete arrogant a$$hole.  He would have parties at his big old house just to show off to his employees how rich he was, and attendance was pretty mandatory - you'd be on his sh*t list for months of you didn't go.  At these parties, the whole night would pretty much revolve around him telling stories about his latest vacation/safari/boat purchase.

At one party, he decided to demonstrate his latest golf success.  He picked up a fireplace poker and re-enacted his swing at the country club, managing to whack his secretary on the head with it in the process.  Chaos ensued as blood poured form her head, but my boss just looked annoyed at the whole thing and went into the kitchen to refresh his martini.  As people debated who would drive her to the hospital for stitches, he said "Well don't look at me, I just had my car cleaned".

So he got a hole in one - a hole in one secretary's head that is.

Sounds like a fun party, JeromeB.!

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

Sunday Silliness

Failblog.org is awesome:

Hope ahead...at the winery.  Makes sense to me.

Infinite loop!  Ha!!

Ahhh, my eyes!  Gah!

I don't think he really needs that hard hat.  He has more than enough natural protection.  I would be amused to see him try to stretch those ear-plug cords to reach his ears though.

Another person who should not procreate.

But probably will.

Size Matters

For Airport Security, Size Matters

Cops: New high-tech screener triggered fight over manhood insult

MAY 6--A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines--the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler--when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him." Instead, Negrin allegedly pulled out a police baton and began striking Osorno, while demanding an apology. A witness told cops that Negrin told Osorno, in Spanish, "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize." When Negrin, wearing his TSA uniform, arrived for work yesterday, he was arrested on an aggravated battery count and booked into the Miami-Dade lockup. Osorno, police reported, suffered "bruises and abrasions on his back and arms" during the attack.

Least Influential People of 2010

I found this rather amusing:

Least Influential People of 2010
By Joel Stein Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

LOSERS

"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.

Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.

Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.

People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.

Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"

Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.

MORONS

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.

Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.

Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.

Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.

Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.

Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.

Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.

Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.

Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.

Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.

Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.

David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.

FLAMEOUTS

Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?

H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.

Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.

Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.

Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.

The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.

Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.

Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.

Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.

Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.

Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.

Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.

General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.

Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.

SLIMY BASTARDS

John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.

Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.

Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.

Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.

Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.

Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.

Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.

Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.

Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.

Hacking Horror

Totally disgusting story about a girl I used to work with.  I have no idea what was wrong with her, but she had some sort of excess phlegm issue.  So she kept a styrofoam cup on her desk and would hack phlegm balls into it all day long, making that gross noise and everything.  And she'd use the same cup for like a week (sometimes longer) before throwing it out and getting a new one.

Just reading this made me kinda nauseous.  *gag*  Can I assume people didn't stop by her desk to chat too often?

I hope you never mistook her spittoon for an empty cup for your coffee, AnneBFree!

I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands

I have a great affinity for crazy people in general, but crazy famous people?!?! LOVE 'EM! So I'm loving this:


Russell Crowe is set to capture America's heart all over again when Robin Hood hits theaters in two weeks. But let us not forget: Russell Crowe is crazy. Some exclusive excerpts from a new book remind us just how crazy.

The following excerpts are taken from

The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
 by Nicole Laporte, which will be released May 4. Her chapter on the making of Gladiator contains these tidbits about what it's like to work with Russell Crowe. First, his negotiation style:

"You motherfucker. I will kill you with my bare hands."



"Hello?" Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.


"You motherfucker," the speaker repeated.


"Who's on the phone? Who is this?" Lustig demanded.


When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.


"Steven," he said. "I'm leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I'm leaving."


Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.


Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor's recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Next, a surly and apparently hung over Russell comes to a script meeting at Ridley Scott's production facility one morning. He insults the recent script changes and walks out. Ridley Scott finally tracks Crowe down and gently ushers him back to the meeting:

Finally, Crowe materialized—unrepentant and sans affability. If Scott's pep talk had any effect, it seemed to have lodged deep in the actor's subconscious. Crowe played along, but refused to summon a scintilla of good humor. He didn't so much recite his lines as growl them in a deranged accent that flitted between indeterminate continents of origin. More absurd was Oliver Reed's delivery. Even though his lines were as long as haiku, he filled them with dramatic flourishes. Having recently renounced drinking, he said that the only thing he was chugging was lemonade, but the question was just what he was mixing in the stuff.


"My oold frrriend," he read, puckering his lips and rolling his r's with all the pomp of a 17th century thespian.


Crowe, in turn, chewed up monologues, spitting out each and every poisonous syllable.


Screenwriter John Logan, who has lovingly crafted many of these lines, watched in horror. He scrawled four words on a piece of paper: "Kill me! Kill me!"


A month later, after filming in England, the shoot moved to Ouarzazate, Morocco – a town near the Sahara Desert, where Hollywood has traditionally gone for its sword and sandal needs (Lawrence of Arabia was filmed in the area). Crowe's mood did not improve. Twice, he had walked off the set. Even when he was supposedly having "fun," Crowe was a puffy pain. After challenging members of the crew to a foot race, and losing, he would mutter for days, "I would have won, but I can't run in the sand in sandals."



Heh! And finally, an inside look at the ferocious working style of the world's greatest actor (Russell Crowe):




Never were Crowe's spirits more in flux than when he was to read the climactic, "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next" scene, in which his character, Maximus, removes his helmet and reveals his identity. It was only the most seminal line in the entire movie, and yet Crowe was convinced that it was ridiculous – overwrought, puffery that no man would ever be caught dead saying, least of all a brawny, sword-carrying killer standing under the unrelenting African sun. Scott was one of the few people who seemed to understand Crowe, that underneath all that volatility was a very scared actor who needed to feel safe. Rather than blow up at him, Scott waited until the tantrum subsided. Then he agreed to shoot the scene the way Crowe preferred.


After doing the take, Crowe still looked dissatisfied. "Let me see the other script again," he said to Scott, referring to the loathed revision. After studying the page stonily, he shrugged. "Well, we might as well try it."


And so, the scene was reshot. Everyone agreed it was brilliant. Everyone, that is, but Crowe. "Russell, what's the problem?" Scott asked, finally showing a hint of exasperation. "It worked."


"It was shit," Crowe repeated, "but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even shit sound good." And with that he marched off.

Bloody Bizarre

Today's is brief...but bizarre:

This woman I used to work with would purposely give herself paper cuts.  Her hands were covered in them.  She tried to hide it while she was actually doing it, but we'd catch her all the time.  Plus there were always drops of blood on any paper you would get from her.

Paper cuts are freakin' AWFUL!  I can't believe anyone would self-inflict them - YOW!

But then again... could you get some sort of on-the-job injury time off?!?!

*heading off to look for extremely sharp paper*

I'm sending you some Latex gloves so you can handle your bio-medical hazard paperwork, GrantedRee.

Sunday Silliness

Some people probably should not be parents.  Cases in point:

"Nah, kids, they just put that wall there to be annoying, not for any safety reasons or anything.  But I got an idea...."

I always say you're never to young to learn how to use a deadly weapon.

Who's taking pictures of my kid? 

On a side note, my cart is filled the same way.  But it's a full sized adult cart, of course.

I like the special little chair she's got for him.  How innovative!  And I'm sure it has a seat belt attachment. So, no safety issues here, nosirree!!

Stayin' Alive

Yay, we have another from HRLady:

Another interviewee I had was a bit…..off. Her resume was great, but her actual interview, welllllll…..

Me: Tell me about your previous employment.

Crazy Job Applicant: It’s on my resume.

Me: I know it is, but I want you to elaborate a bit.

CJA: I don’t talk about my past.


Me: No?

CJA: No.

Me: Okay then, what was your base salary at your last position?

CJA: That’s my past. I don’t talk about it.

Me: Great. Moving on….what are your goals within this company if you should get the position?

CJA: Am I supposed to predict the future? Because I have just one goal at this point - staying alive.

Me: Thank you. We will be in touch.

So you hired her, no? You’d be stupid to let that one get away!!

Who has the Bee Gees stuck in their head now? *raises hand*

Feeling Cocky

I work in Human Resources, so basically I interview a whole lot of people. A few have certainly stuck out in my mind, for example, one kid straight out of college. The conversation went like this:



(Kid walks in looking super relaxed)


Cocky Job Applicant: So, let’s get right down to it. There is no one better for this job than me. You’d be stupid (!!!) to look further.


Me: We have many qualified applicants.


CJA: Of course, you have to say that. Can we talk money?


Me: There is much more to cover before we discuss salary. You don’t have much job experience.


CJA: I don’t need experience. I have more brains and talent than most of the people already working here.


Me: (Starting to get reeeealllly annoyed.) Well, that’s nice, but I can’t really take your word for it.


CJA: When I work here you’ll see what I mean.


Me: No, I won’t. Because you won’t be working here. And I suggest you refine your interview skills before your next interview.


CJA: (Looks shocked, then recovers his swagger.) Dumb move, lady. Someday you’ll see my name and regret not hiring me.


Nice, huh?

Admit it, you all thought from the title I was going somewhere else with "cocky".  Heh.

She probably will see his name somewhere at some point. Quite possibly the Police Blotter.

Or Hollywood. They seem to like arrogant asses.

Thanks to HRLady!!

The Writing On The Wall

In the restroom at my office, nasty graffitti started appearing on the walls, all of it centered around a particular female comworker of mine.  It was pretty graphic, all about her enjoyment of perfoming deviant sexual acts that I won't list (aw, c'mon, aren't we all friends here?).  Obviously, she was very upset.  More writing would appear overnight, so my superiors knew it had to be one of the plentiful cleaning people that came in at night.  But which  one?  Since it is illegal to put video in a bathroom, a camera was erected right outside the entrance.  The next day when more slurs appeared, the tape was reviewed and it was discovered which cleaning guy it was.  Obviously he was fired, but the best part was his reasoning.  He stated that "The b*tch left crumbs and dirt around her desk.  She's a pig who needs to learn to clean up after herself."

I bet she cleaned up her act quick.  So punny, I am!

Apparently Tapit saw the writing on the wall.  *snicker*

Sunday Funnies

I'm totally diggin the Wedinator:

Daddy looks a little ill.  He probably can't WAIT to give his daughter away....

This one gave me such a headache.

Very.  Very.  Disturbing.  And why are they so greasy?!?!?

Klassy.  I think the meaning of wearing white got lost here somehow.

A Genius!

Sometimes I receive a submission so eloquent, so refined, that I just have to post it exactly as it came in:

I SPIT AND SH*T ALL OVER YUR FOOD!  hAHAHH!  U SUCK AND EAT IT WTH MY SPERM MIX A$$HOLES.  F*CK DUMB SH*T.

Well, I didn't spell out some of the more profane words, but I think you see what I mean.  A scholar is among us!

Does your Mommy know you are on the computer, Name-I-won't-repeat-cause-it's-filthy?

Driving Miss Tipsy

I am a driver for a limo company, and this isn't about the Crazy People I've Worked With, but rather, worked For.

People do some damn disgusting things in limos.  Whoever in hell decided sex in a limo is a sexy thing?!?!? It's far from a novel idea -you wouldn't believe how many people do it.  And trust me, we do not disinfect or even wipe down the seats.  So there's a good chance you're sitting in someone else's (words edited out, but I think you all got the idea).

There is actually one time we do have to do an intense cleaning - and that's after a vomiter.  There is a lot of those, too.  It's great that people are being responsible while drinking and hiring a driver, but really, should that driver have to be responsible for the fact that you drank your face off and are now spewing uncontrollably? Some people make small attempts to swipe at stuff with a tissue, but in the end it all comes down to us.

And I am not your slave nor servant, so stop speaking to me like I am.  I am just there to do a job, like the rest of the world.

Next time I am in any sort of car that is not my own, I will be wearing a full body condom.  So if you see me, give a wave!  I will be the one encased in Latex.

I think I might detect some anger here JoeyAveloni...

Sunday Funday

Some gems from There I Fixed It:

I don't blame this person for worrying about their car being stolen.  I mean, a mint condition ride like this...

I actually find this kind of bizarrely clever.

Yeah, this one isn't so clever.  In fact it's rather shocking (ba da bum).

Another one that seems kinda like a good idea to me - if you live close enough to bike to your grocery, how else could you carry a bunch of bags?   

And another not so good idea. 

And finally - uses for duct tape are endless, doncha think?