In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

More stories from the news:

When almost 150 people at a Texas bank call center became ill, reporting dizziness and shortness of breath, officials suspected carbon monoxide or some other toxic fume was the culprit. But when two people complained about dizziness after a co-worker sprayed perfume and then others began to feel sick, it was discovered that the perfume was to blame. Thirty-four people were taken to hospitals, 12 by ambulance, and 110 people were treated on the scene. No one knows what type of perfume was sprayed. (MSNBC.com)

When your perfume turns out to be a biological weapon, maybe it's time to switch to a new one.

Totally, Like, Gross!!!!

Let's keep in the mall Santa mood we started yesterday, shall we?

OMG, the Santa I worked with at the mall was so DISGUSTING.  He was totally, like, dirty and smelly!!!  He had a real Santa looking beard, but it was all tangled and had food chunks.  You had to hold your nose when you dropped the kid on his lap!

But it gets SOOOO worse!!  Turns out that real beard had more that his lunch in it - he gave us and a WHOLE lot of the kids lice!!! So yucky!  He got fired!!

So I'm guessing this was a job you held on your high school holiday break?  Like, don't ask me how I know, but I just, like TOTALLY DO!!!!!!

And I'm sure the parents appreciated when you dropped their kids on his lap.  Are you available for babysitting?

How's that infestation going, TianaT.?

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Many years ago I worked with a man who hated his job and made it clear to everyone how badly he wanted to get fired.  Our boss knew this, but wanted to force him to quit rather than allow him to get severance and collect unemployment.  So it became a contest of wills.

The fellow who wanted to be fired took to wearing increasingly bizarre outfits to work.  Its started with a robe and pajamas and went all the way to full on drag.  The boss pretended nothing was amiss with his clothing, while at the same time piling more and more weird tasks on him, such as watering the front lawns (while he was dressed as a woman), trying to force him to quit.  At this point the rest of us workers were truly enjoying whatever new spectacles that these two had for us each day.  Work was most certainly not dull.

It finally became too much when the one who wanted to be fired decided to let his personal hygiene slide.  No more bathing, toothbrushing or changing his clothes anymore.  That's when it became unbearable for the rest of us, and we forced our boss's hand.

He was handed his walking papers with a big 'YOU WIN' written across them.

Great ideas!  I am so getting out the panty hose, high heels and a dress to wear Monday morning so I can get outta this job...

Oh, crap, that's not gonna work for me since I'm female, will it?  And I'm just not willing to go the poor hygiene route.

Or am I?

Thanks to GrannyBee!
 

Little Toot

At the clothing store where I work, we have a counter with five cash registers.  When it gets busy, there are a bunch of us behind these cash registers checking people out.  One of my coworkers, I will call her Olive Odor, has a farting problem.  But she doesn't see it as a problem.  She thinks it's cute to let one go where ever and whenever the need strikes. So as we're ringing up purchases, suddenly a cloud of noxious gas will enevelop all of us and Olive will giggle and say "Oooh, a little toot!"  I don't know what the hell she eats, but the by product is vile.  You can even see customers wrinkling up their noses in disgust.

And don't EVER get caught in the dressing room or any small enclosed space with her.  You may not make it out alive.

Wow, that Olive is a gas! (you knew that was coming, didn't ya?)

A fabulously fashionable gas mask is on it's way to Disgruntled23!

Helpful Hints

I have gotten quite a few submissions from people who work in the fast food industry.  They have taught me exactly what I should and should not do in order to gain employment and be a stellar employee at one of these establishments.  I will let you in on the tips I have gleaned, just because I enjoy being generous and helping others.  Heh.

1.  Make sure to never wash your hands, hair or armpits.  The worse the you smell, the better.

2.  Have insanely bad bathroom habits.  Do not flush, nor wash up after.

3.   Pick your pimples, ears  or nose, preferably all three, at any given opportunity.

4.  Carry a plastic kiddie lunch box with a lunch your mother has made for you, even if you are a full fledged adult.

4.  Have  a loooong resume, the longer the better.  Ten pages should just about do it.  Make sure that you have outlined your inability to hold a job for longer than two months.

5.   Dress to impress for your interview.  For example, a holey white T-shirt and a skirt or pants that are way too tight should do the trick.

6.   Wear those same clothes you got hired in every day.

7.   Never cover your sneezes or coughs.  This is important, as mucus adds flavor.

8.   Pick you fingernails and let the pieces fall into the salad bar.  A little crunch is always appealing in a salad.  Who needs croutons?

9.   Braces, lisps, or any other speech impediments that cause you to spit as you talk is a bonus.

10.  Lick all food products before they are given to the customer.  This is simply good customer service.

Thanks to Badguy, Cheex17, SomeNewlyMarriedWife, AngieP. and YesChef! for their contributions to my future employment.

Didn't Click With The Clique

The retail store where I work has a bunch of female employees, and we all get along together well and hang out outside of work. A new woman got hired at what I will call P.C. Jenny's (no one's EVER gonna figure that one out, LuLuTwo!) and was desperate to join our group. Now, we are a friendly group, so her fitting in shouldn't have been a problem, but she was a kook. She smelled, was dirty, and stared at people until they became uncomfortable (good hiring choice there, P.C. Jenny's!). One day, in order to fit in, she played a prank on us. I guess she thought we'd all think it was funny and suddenly embrace her and her smelly weirdness. But the prank was far from amusing. Her shift was over a full two hours before closing, and she left to go home. Or so we thought. After we had closed up our registers and had gathered where we typically met every night to shoot the bull, she came popping out of the middle of one of the nearby circular clothes racks screaming. And then laughing hysterically. We all ran and someone hit the panic button. The police came, and they arrested her for causing a false alarm or something like that. We never saw her again.



Imagine, she stayed crouched down in a rack for TWO HOURS to carry this out!

Wow, see what you could have avoided if only you hadn't been so clique-ish? Hmmm? Let this be a lesson to you. Weirdos and freaks need friends too.

But don't any of you nutballs take this as an open invitation.  I have enough friends. Note, I said a lesson to YOU, not a lesson to ME.

That was a clothes call, LuluTwo!  Heh.

The Agony Of Da Feet

Our office is pretty casual.  That's a good thing, except for Harry, who wears sneakers that must be 30 years old and reek like the local landfill.  You can smell him coming from five cubicles away.  And to add to his repulsiveness, he takes off his sneakers at his desk and props his feet on it, which makes the stink overwhelming.  And to CONTINUE to add even MORE repulsivity (is that a word?), he has been know to cut his toenails at his desk and let the cut toenails fly all over, land where they may - and he doesn't pick them up.

He sounds just a WEE bit insane.  Maybe you should grab one of those discarded toenails so you can provide the police with DNA when the time comes.  Because you know it will.

Sending some heavy duty air fresheners Toby's way for this one...

Bite Me

I once worked in an office where there was a girl that had a pleasant personality, she was a good worker and attractive but she reeked of garlic everyday. She believed that garlic would help keep her healthy so she ate it raw; she took garlic pills and who knows she probably even drank garlic water. You could just walk by the cubicle and it reeked of that bad breath smell. The bad thing about it was that another guy had to share a cubicle with her. I don't know how he stood it. It made me cringe just to walk by it.

It's not the health benefits, no way, uh-uh.  It's to ward off vampires.  Because you KNOW they are out there.  Now where did I put my garlic clove necklace?

A new air freshener heading on out to NPHaley2 for this one!

Smelly Belly

She was nearly 40, needy, immature and drove me NUTS! One day she would be crying, never telling anyone what was wrong; another day she'd be "petting" you and calling you "Mama" (ewww!); then she would ask questions that she should ONLY ask her mother... i.e. "Why does my belly button smell?" She'd constantly call me on my way home from work (even though we'd worked ALL day together), just to chat. I needed this in rush hour traffic? If I ignored her calls, she'd be crying the next day telling everyone I “hated her". Or, if I ignored her at work, she'd run to our manager and tell her that I was "picking on her". This "child" constantly had her fingers in her mouth, would chew her nails and was DISGUSTING! I felt like I had to sanitize my area every time she sat there!

Hey, Mama, why DID her belly button smell?!?!  I mean, who has THAT problem?

I can envision creating  a new product:  'Button Blaster:  The Deoderant for Smelly Bellies'.  And don't try stealing that; I'm on the phone with the patent office right now!  But I really can't understand what they find so damn funny...



Thanks to Paz628!

You Can't Pick Your Relatives, But You CAN Pick Your Nose!

For the purpose of this post I will call this coworker of mine Stella. Stinky Stella didn't bathe as often as the rest of the world. If she showered once a week I would be surprised. She worked in my department for 7 or 8 years and we complained many times to the supervisor. She would have a talk with Stinky Stella and for a few days she wouldn't stink to high heaven. But it wouldn't be very long that she would start smelling really ripe again. She is very open about telling everyone she picks up guys on the internet, talks to them online and then goes to meet them. She also would talk to her computer and answer the computer sometimes it seemed as though she was having an argument with herself. Part of her daily diet was nose content. She picked her nose and ate it! She is without a doubt the grossest person I have had to work with.

I guess having, ahem, "nose content"  for lunch is good for people on a budget.  Or something. 

Thanks to Di!

Skid Marks

Don't touch Rachel's hair. You will know why after reading her story:

Well, one day, my boss hired this guy to be the new intern where I work. He was supposed to fetch the paid workers coffee, muffins, tea or whatever else we wanted. He always did strange things; we would ask for coffee and he would bring us a tea. Most of us grew used to it. One day I requested "Will you go get me my jacket? It's freezing in here." At first I thought he was going to get the jacket, until he came back NAKED, ran over to me, put his tighty whities over my head and said "Better?" I replied: "YOU ARE FIRED, YOU (expletives deleted for those with delicate sensibilities ). Pulling his underwear off my head, I realized it had a terrible stench and a big skid mark in the seat. I didn't get out off the shower for over 3 hours when I got home.

But, really, what do you want from an unpaid intern? You get what you pay for and all that!

Hey, Come Smell This!

Charles makes a bit of a stink about his coworker...

A guy at my previous job was obsessed with farting. He loved to fart really loudly whenever and wherever...at his desk, in meetings, at lunch. He would laugh hysterically after he let one go, and would then say "Can ya smell it?" The absolute worst was the time he claimed to have had hot dogs and beans for dinner the night before, and sat at his desk all day just letting them rip - AND THEN ASKING OTHER PEOPLE TO SMELL THE SEAT OF HIS CHAIR!!

Oh. My. I think I may be speechless.




Nah, I've recovered. Hot dogs, anyone?

What are you doing online on the Fourth of July? Get out there and barbecue, drink some beer, see some fireworks. But since you're here already, Jean writes in that...

We had this guy at work who was always dirty. His clothes were rumpled, his hair looked greasy, his face looked like it needed a good scrubbing. He smelled funky too, not like BO necessarily, but just kinda like.....dirt. We used to joke that he must be inhabited by bugs of some sort. Little did we know we were right...

One day when we were all seated around the conference table, dirty dude started itching behind his left ear. And kept at it. That was disgusting enough, but then...something falls off his ear and scuttles across the table. It was a hugely engorged tick (it had to be on him forever to get THAT filled with blood)and it was running amok on the table. People screamed and ran to the furthest corners of the room. Dirty dude seemed kinda unconcerned like this was not an unusual occurrence, and then slammed his fist down on the tick, killing it while his blood splattered on the table. He did clean up his own blood though, I will give him that.

Oh, well, I guess since he cleaned up his own blood, no biggie then (can you sense my sarcasm?).

Happy Independence Day everyone, enjoy and be safe!

You Gonna Eat That?

Howie makes us a bit nauseous today...

I worked with a woman who was very proud of the fact that she was having sex with one of the guys that worked with us. She was a rather large woman with seeemingly questionable hygiene, so I guess so wanted to let everyone know how this guy apparently found her hot. She was constantly telling us things we NEVER wanted to hear about their escapades - how they would do it in her car in the parking lot, stay late at work and go at it in the bathrooms and stuff like that. One day we were having a morning meeting in the conference room (breakfast provided). She leans over to me, points at the middle of the table directly under the plate of bagels and whispers "We did it right there last night!"

I didn't have any bagels. And tried to touch the table as little as possible.

Lysol anyone? *barf*

What is that Scent You're Wearing?

Matt has a doozy...

We had a receptionist at our office who would torture everyone in the office by talking to them endlessly. People started developing defense tactics, like just resuming work while she was talking. So I used that tactic one day, and it worked (Hallelujah!) but as she walks out she says "Stinky"(!!!). Rest of conversation goes like this:

Me: “Did you just call me stinky?”
Her: “No, that’s me. I have a body odor problem.”
Me: “Do you use deodorant?”
Her: “Yeah, the doctor thinks it could be my diet.”
Me: “You should probably use deodorant more often, maybe carry it with you.”
Her: “Oh, I didn’t think of that.” (How do you NOT think of that?!?!)

From then on she kept deodorant out on her desk in full view. Remember she was the RECEPTIONIST, so everyone coming in the door got to see evidence of her 'stinky' problem.

Unrelated to her smelliness, she eventually stopped doing work, even showing up, started complaining about work and saying crap about her coworkers on her MYspace, which was not private so EVERYONE at work saw it - and oh yeah, she had revealing pictures of her odiferous self on there too.

Shockingly (ok, not so much) - she was fired.

Crazy! Wait, no, that's me....