G-Shot

Those new reporters say the darndest things....

Size Matters

For Airport Security, Size Matters

Cops: New high-tech screener triggered fight over manhood insult

MAY 6--A Transportation Security Administration screener is facing an assault rap after he allegedly beat a co-worker who joked about the size of the man's genitalia after he walked through a security scanner. The May 4 confrontation involved Rolando Negrin, 44, and other TSA employees who had previously taken part in a training session at Miami International Airport, according to the below Miami-Dade Police Department reports. Negrin, pictured in the mug shot at right, and his co-workers had been training with new "whole body image" machines--the controversial kind that provide very revealing images of a traveler--when Negrin walked through the scanner. "The X-ray revealed that [Negrin] has a small penis and co-workers made fun of him on a daily basis," reported cops. Following his arrest, Negrin told police that he "could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind." After work Tuesday evening, Negrin confronted fellow TSA screener Hugo Osorno in an airport parking lot. Negrin wanted to "resolve a problem," and get Osorno, 34, to "finally respect him." Instead, Negrin allegedly pulled out a police baton and began striking Osorno, while demanding an apology. A witness told cops that Negrin told Osorno, in Spanish, "Get on your knees or I will kill you and you better apologize." When Negrin, wearing his TSA uniform, arrived for work yesterday, he was arrested on an aggravated battery count and booked into the Miami-Dade lockup. Osorno, police reported, suffered "bruises and abrasions on his back and arms" during the attack.

Least Influential People of 2010

I found this rather amusing:

Least Influential People of 2010
By Joel Stein Thursday, Apr. 29, 2010

LOSERS

"We Are the World 25 for Haiti"
Fundraising song
Wow, that sucked.

Rue McClanahan
Actress
Betty White has usurped all the power from remaining Golden Girls.

Professional Wrestling Referees
Dream job for weird kids
So few rules to enforce, and yet they always fail.

People in Windows 7 Ads
Actors
Windows 7 was not your idea at all.

Michael Steele
RNC chairman
After his lavish spending and criticizing of Rush Limbaugh — Rush Limbaugh! — many in the party are trying to get rid of him. Even though that would mean losing his blog on GOP.com, which, though now untitled, used to be called "What Up?"

Mark Rosenthal
CEO of Current TV
If someone from MSNBC's The Ed Show caused an international incident in which two reporters were captured by North Korea and had to be freed by a trip from Bill Clinton, at least a few of us would tune in to an episode of the Ed Schultz Show. But still no one has seen that blur-of-short-YouTube-looking-segments that calls itself Current TV. Al Gore is even worse at starting networks than he is at running for President.

MORONS

Heidi Montag
Star of MTV's The Hills
You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now your'e not famous. That was fast.

Spencer Pratt
Boyfriend of Star of MTV's The Hills
Montag fired him as her manager. It's like we need a whole other list of the uninfluential to the uninfluential.

Paula Abdul
Ex-American Idol Judge
Now you have only yourself to judge. That can't be fun.

Desiree Rogers
Former White House Social Secretary
If you had purposely invited one of the Real Housewives of D.C., that would have been influential.

Floyd Landis
Cyclist
Every other cyclist in the last 20 years has gotten away with doping except for you.

Mayumi Heene
Balloon Boy's mom
Any wife who can't talk her husband out of that plan really has no influence.

Conrad Murray
Michael Jackson's doctor
Not a lot of people in Murray's waiting room right now.

Brian Dunkleman
Former Co-Host of American Idol
After quitting Idol after the first season, Dunkleman is now doing voice work playing Ruiga in Naruto.

Joaquin Phoenix
Actor
That weird Andy Kauffman-esque thing where you filmed yourself pretending to rap badly? Even if you made a great documentary about it, I'm not seeing it. In fact, deep down, I'm pretty sure you were really just trying to rap.

Selma
Ex-Lead Technician at the Clinic in Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew on VH1
When you're fired for getting in a fight with Kari Ann Peniche (the woman who was naked in that video with Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart), the woman who was herself thrown out of both VH1's Sober House and VH1's Sex Rehab, you are not highly valued.

Carrie Prejean
Former Miss California
Two things you can't do: 1) Make a sex tape after talking about how immoral gay people are; 2) Make a sex tape without any sex in it.

Nadya Suleman
Octomom
No one really cares anymore.

David Shuster
Ex-MSNBC reporter
Shooting a pilot for a rival network (CNN) without asking your bosses is a pretty easy way to get suspended. Also, you should have shot a better pilot.

FLAMEOUTS

Bo Obama
First Dog
No book telling us to exercise or eat leafy greens? No hilarious video of chasing a squirrel to distract us from the fact that our unemployment benefits are almost up? After all that talk about what breed of dog to buy, the family decided to go with Total Loser?

H1N1
Virus
I got a shot for this loser! I made my baby get a shot! This was the biggest loser epidemic since bird flu. Or SARS. I bet H1N1 never even killed a pig. I've eaten about 3 pigs this week and I'm not technically a virus.

Sleestaks
Fictional Creatures from Land of the Lost
You guys bought Escalades with pimped out rims and Beverly Hills homes thinking you'd finally made it. Then Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell bombed and your big-eyed, giant scaly heads realized your one chance was gone.

Sarah Larson
George Clooney's Ex-Girlfriend
While dating George Clooney, People named you as one of their most beautiful people. Now try getting People to call you back. They're not really your friend, Sarah.

Carson Daly
Talk show host
Really. He is. He has a show on NBC. It comes on right after Jimmy Fallon. He was given the show eight years ago so he could practice in obscurity before he took over for Conan. The show has offices and everything.

The Doors
Classic Rock band
We've all decided that they actually sucked and just had a handsome lead singer.

Grover
Muppet
Elmo is taking all your airtime, yo.

Dan Rather
Anchor
...on HDNet. I don't know what that is or why it's still so proud of being in HD, but this is not retiring gracefully. This is like if Michael Jordan came back now and played for HDNet.

Katie Couric
Network Anchor
She keeps showing up. You have to admire that.

Tom DeLay
Former Congressman
Not sure what kind of career he was trying to jumpstart by appearing on Dancing With The Stars, but camp-loving gay men don't like a quitter.

Carrot Top
Comedian
All that success, and yet he hasn't spawned a generation of prop comedians.

Witches
Practioners of Magic
Charmed was, like, 10 years ago. It's all vampires, werewolves and zombies now.

General Larry Platt
Singer/songwriter
"Pants on the Ground" has not stopped one kid from wearing his pants on the ground.

Stedman Graham
Oprah's Boyfriend
Everyone else who knows Oprah has their own show by now.

SLIMY BASTARDS

John Edwards
Former Presidential Candidate
He already was irrelevant, then he allowed news of an affair and love child to come out so slowly, we forgot he was already irrelevant.

Eric Massa
Ex- Congressman
It's hard to be influential when you have no clue how the world works. You don't explain how ungay you are by saying that you just were having tickle fights with the guys you live with, like you did when you were in the Navy. Liberace was more subtle.

Tom Anderson
Founder of, and everyone's friend on, MySpace
Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on.

Jon Gosselin
Ex-Reality Dad
We once thought he was the henpecked husband of a crazy chick. Now we love the henpecker. Killing the Ed Hardy trend was the last influence you'll ever have.

Lindsay Lohan
Actress
Things are not good when you're suing babies.

Michael Lohan
Lindsay Lohan's dad
He's engaged to Jon Gosselin's ex-girlfriend.

Angelina Pivarnick
Reality Washout
To get kicked off of MTV's Jersey Shore is an accomplishment, but not one that gets you on the next season of Jersey Shore.

Levi Johnston
Actor, model, baby daddy
Who knew American politics needed its own Kato Kaelin.

Tila Tequila
I Have No Idea
I could tell you that Tila Nguyen changed her name to Miss Tila, that she released sonogram pictures of her baby to radar online or that her new single is called "I Fucked the DJ." All of which you'd never know if I didn't just write it. But the only data point I need, I believe, is this, from Wikipedia: "In December 2009, Nguyen partnered with Joe Francis to launch a dating site called 'TilasHotSpotDating.com'.

Nicollette Sheridan
Actress
The other, non-fired Desperate Housewives don't have her back in her lawsuits against the show's creator.

The Writing On The Wall

In the restroom at my office, nasty graffitti started appearing on the walls, all of it centered around a particular female comworker of mine.  It was pretty graphic, all about her enjoyment of perfoming deviant sexual acts that I won't list (aw, c'mon, aren't we all friends here?).  Obviously, she was very upset.  More writing would appear overnight, so my superiors knew it had to be one of the plentiful cleaning people that came in at night.  But which  one?  Since it is illegal to put video in a bathroom, a camera was erected right outside the entrance.  The next day when more slurs appeared, the tape was reviewed and it was discovered which cleaning guy it was.  Obviously he was fired, but the best part was his reasoning.  He stated that "The b*tch left crumbs and dirt around her desk.  She's a pig who needs to learn to clean up after herself."

I bet she cleaned up her act quick.  So punny, I am!

Apparently Tapit saw the writing on the wall.  *snicker*

Sunday Funnies

I'm totally diggin the Wedinator:

Daddy looks a little ill.  He probably can't WAIT to give his daughter away....

This one gave me such a headache.

Very.  Very.  Disturbing.  And why are they so greasy?!?!?

Klassy.  I think the meaning of wearing white got lost here somehow.

Driving Miss Tipsy

I am a driver for a limo company, and this isn't about the Crazy People I've Worked With, but rather, worked For.

People do some damn disgusting things in limos.  Whoever in hell decided sex in a limo is a sexy thing?!?!? It's far from a novel idea -you wouldn't believe how many people do it.  And trust me, we do not disinfect or even wipe down the seats.  So there's a good chance you're sitting in someone else's (words edited out, but I think you all got the idea).

There is actually one time we do have to do an intense cleaning - and that's after a vomiter.  There is a lot of those, too.  It's great that people are being responsible while drinking and hiring a driver, but really, should that driver have to be responsible for the fact that you drank your face off and are now spewing uncontrollably? Some people make small attempts to swipe at stuff with a tissue, but in the end it all comes down to us.

And I am not your slave nor servant, so stop speaking to me like I am.  I am just there to do a job, like the rest of the world.

Next time I am in any sort of car that is not my own, I will be wearing a full body condom.  So if you see me, give a wave!  I will be the one encased in Latex.

I think I might detect some anger here JoeyAveloni...

An Unfortunate Uprising

I work in sales for a large corporation.  I won't get into detail what kind of sales, since that's not really important (and, basically, boring).  Anyway, I have one boss who likes to have 'Encouragment Meetings'.  It's pretty much a rah-rah pep rally for getting out there and selling.  He's got a very large belly, and he has started this icky tradition.  He claims it's good luck to rub his belly, like Buddha's.  So at the end of the meeting, we all (and we are mostly women) have to file past him on the way out the door and rub his belly for good luck.  Sometimes he claims we didn't do it hard enough and demands a re-do, but unsuprisingly he only says that to the attractive females of the group.

And the main thing when you are passing him during this tradition is DON'T LOOK DOWN!  Or you will see a bit of an....um....uprising in his pants.

You don't sell pup tents, do you?  Maybe he's demonstrating the basic physics of the operation of a pup tent.

Maybe you can claim some sort of contagious hand disease, Anonymous? I'd start Googling hand diseases immediately if I were you.

Getting Off In Denver

Computer programmer, 34, arrested for in-flight masturbation episode


MARCH 2--A Delaware man is facing a federal criminal charge after he was caught yesterday masturbating on a plane while seated next to a female passenger. Murali Nookella, a 34-year-old computer programmer, was en route to Denver from Philadelphia on a Southwest Airlines flight when a woman noticed him "fumbling underneath a blanket," according to an affidavit sworn by FBI Agent Joel Nishida. The woman, identified only by her initials in the affidavit, said that Nookella's "eyes were closed and his hands moved all around his groin area" underneath a "mustard/gold blanket pulled up to his waist." As the woman packed up her belonging to move seats, she "looked at Nookella and saw him holding his erect penis." The woman said that Nookella remarked, "You caught me." Nookella held a napkin in his left hand, the woman told the FBI. According to Nishida's affidavit, the woman "did not look but heard a swishing sound. She thought Nookella wiped something." Nookella's employer told TSG that he was headed to Denver on a work assignment. Nookella was named today in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging him with indecent exposure. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 90 days in jail and a $5000 fine.

Well, this counts as a crazy coworker because he was ON A FREAKIN' BUSINESS TRIP!  Not a "pleasure" (heh!) trip, but as a representative of his company.  His coworkers must be eagerly looking forward to his return to the home office.....

Is That A Squeegee Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

The company I work for washes windows.  One day one of my co-workers ( a new hire) was assigned to do a hotel, five stories tall.  The day after he got fired.

Turned out, as he was rapelling in his harness from window to window, he purposely left his fly open so his "junk" would be on display.  Only one person noticed, but that was more than enough to get him fired.

Hmm, I don't get it.  Seems a perfectly legitimate way to pick up chicks.

Be sure to keep your 'squeegee' in your pants, HarnessHarry!

Butt-Sniffing Shopper

Hunt Is On For Bizarre Butt-Sniffing Shopper

Dec 22nd 2009 By Tom Cullen

We consider ourselves weird-news experts. We've been reporting the more bizarre worldly goings-on for years now, and few things surprise us.

Then, a man sniffing the backside of a shelf stacker hits the headlines and we haven't got a clue what's going on anymore.

Plymouth, England, police are searching for the bespectacled pervert, aged about 40, who smelled the co-op worker's bum at least 20 times on consecutive weekends.

CCTV footage shows the 5-foot-9-inch oddball pretending to pick items off shelves before crouching behind the shelf stacker. With his face near his victim's derriere, he seems take a whiff -- and once gets so close his nose touches the man.

Click through to watch the footage. Admit it, you're intrigued.

Does This Water Taste Funny To You?

I spotted a horrifying co-worker story in the news:

Charges Filed In Water Bottle Fouling Incident

By Amanda H. Miller, Jackson Hole, Wyo.

November 8, 2008


A Jackson man faces three misdemeanor charges after police matched his DNA to semen in a co-worker’s water bottle.


Brandon Raz, 38, was issued a summons Wednesday to appear Nov. 20 in 9th Circuit Court. He is charged with two counts of battery and one count of stalking after authorities say he ejaculated into a woman’s water bottle.


The woman told police Oct. 9 that she picked up her water bottle once in September and drank from it before she realized it tasted and smelled like semen. She rinsed it out and didn’t say anything about it to co-workers, according to an affidavit filed in circuit court, and she started taking her water bottle home with her.

Between August and September, she also found rolled up tape on her bike seat on four occasions. She left her water bottle on her desk over the weekend in early October and came in Oct. 9 to find that the water again smelled of semen. She reported the incidents to police.

Jackson police collected voluntary cheek swabs from 35 male employees where the woman works for the Town of Jackson, police said.


The Wyoming State Crime Lab would have taken more than two months to return DNA results, Jackson police Sgt. Scott Terry said.

So investigators conducted interviews and identified a suspect, a co-worker at the Town of Jackson. They sent his DNA sample off to a private crime lab, which charged about $2,500 to process it, Terry said.

Raz admitted to police that he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle on two occasions, according to court records. Each misdemeanor carries a maximum penalty of up to six months in jail and a maximum fine of $750.

What a strange investigation process that had to be for the male employees.  I can only imagine the police questioning:

Have you ever, at any time, jizzled in a co-workers drinking water bottle?

I imagine this guy wasn't invited for birthday cake in the conference room after this.  "Hey, that white cake icing strangely resembles....."

*gag*

Sunday Silliness

I love me some bad tattoos...

Yes, yes, it is so bad.

This one is pretty amazing in it's complexity.  But those aren't generally the kind of globes one uses to map places.

Screaming baby getting eaten by a shark! Surrounded by bloody water!  On an armpit!  So pretty and feminine.

I'm sure girls are totally impressed by this. But why does there appear to be an STD lurking between the shoe heel and the....

well, you know.

This is most likely the whole sum of what is in his head if he thought getting this tattoo was a good idea...

And these next two are totally weird, but show an excellent sense of humor if you ask me!

Terms Of Endearment

A woman I worked with was having an affair with a male coworker.  She thought it was 'loooove'  while he wanted nothing more that an occasional *bleep* (bleep added by me, although I have no problem with words like *bleep*, or *bleeping* or *bleepity-bleep*.  I just don't want to offend anyone else who may be less crass than me.  Or who may be reading at work).

One day she found out the 'terms of endearment' he was referring to her as when he spoke to other male coworkers.  They included slam piece, easy lay, etc.  Spreads as easy as warm butter was my favorite.  (Sorry, I couldn't bleep these.  'Cause they're kinda funny.)  She ran over to his cubicle crying, and grabbed whatever she could reach on his desk and hurled it at him.  Coffee (while still in a mug), cellphone, random papers.  I think the stapler probably hurt the worst.

They were both summoned to the boss's office, and given a lecture on proper work demeanor and inter-office dating.  As far as I know, they have never spoken to or even looked at each other again.

Well, THAT must have made for a tension-free office environment, no?

I'm sure all the rest of the ladies in the office were lining up to date him.  What girl doesn't swoon at being called slam piece?

Never heard that warm butter one before, JerryCola45!

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

The $1 Million Striptease

By Ed Orum

After suffering through eight years of being harassed by her male colleagues, a British businesswoman wants her final paycheck - $1 million dollars.


Haley Tansey is suing her former employer for all the ways she was wronged over the years as a traveling loan manager at a bank. Testimony from her ongoing trial sounds like the storyline of a late night cable movie!


How's this for creepy? The married mother of one says she once woke up in a hotel room with the feeling of being watched. When she opened her eyes, she saw her male colleague standing over her bed, watching her sleep. Asking him to scram only made matters worse - he went into the bathroom and came out naked!

The two weren't sharing a room - the co-worker had managed to sneak his way in by telling a hotel employee he was her boyfriend and was too drunk to open the door.


Part of that was correct - the man was apparently pretty tipsy - some reports say he downed ten beers before the stripping stunt. Earlier that night, Tansey thought she was in the clear after successfully avoiding flirtatious advances from the married father of three before they retired to their respective rooms.

While this might be the most bizarre story to come out of the trial, apparently there are plenty of other reasons that forced Tansey to quit her job - including colleagues bragging about their bedroom antics, the exchange of X-rated DVDs and "grading" the female staff.

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

Peeping Tom Spying On Co-workers Gets Busted

By Ed Orum

Putting a spy camera in your bathroom at work doesn't exactly scream "team player."


There's certain amount of trust we place in our co-workers. Day in and day out, we're clustered together in close quarters, participating in office pools and celebrating seasonal holidays with pot-luck lunches.

25-year old Miguel Bribiescas of Elgin, Illinois broke that trust, and the law according to The Daily Herald.

The wood-flooring company employee admitted to police that he had placed a pen-sized spy camera in a bathroom at his work. His plan to angle for an ogle of his female colleagues didn't exactly work out -Bribiescas has pleaded guilty to a felony charge and faces up to three years in prison.

Bad for him, but how creeped out must his co-workers be? Cops say the camera was able to sneak a peek at just one female co-worker before it was discovered.

When authorities looked at the tape, it wasn't as salacious as you might think. Apparently Bribiescas isn't a tech genius, nor is he the brightest criminal on the block. Most of the video shows the perp himself looking into the lens in an attempt to figure out how to use the device.


A picture is worth a thousand words - and in this case, something tells me Bribiescas won't be getting employee of the month.

Grab My Sack

As a line herder for a mall Santa, I saw (and heard) some pretty bizarre things.  One of the Santas I had the pleasure of working with was a real perv for the moms.  He would come out with sexual innuendos that would (hopefully) be over the kids heads, such as "I'd like to come down YOUR chimney" and " I've got a really huge package for you right here."  My favorite was when he would ask moms to "Grab his sack."

He lasted less than a week.

If I had to listen to that crap, I would have roasted his chestnuts on an open fire.

See you at the mall, ElvesSuck!

Frosted Nipples

Office holiday parties are notorious for people getting drunk and doing things they regret.  At mine a few years ago, a coworker I will call "Bob" was putting down drinks as fast as they could pour them.  He seemed to be handling it okay, until the moment he whipped off his shirt, exposing his hairy man boobs, and started gyrating his hips to the music.  Then he scraped some frosting off one of the desserts and applied it to his nipples, offering anyone, female or male, $100 to lick it off.

There were no takers.

Luckily for him we had a week off after the party.  He returned to work acting as if nothing had happened.  For all I know he remembers none of it.

There were NO pictures?!?! Seriously, this is the reason cell phone cameras were invented - for moments such as this.

By the way, $100 is a nice bit of cash, I'd consider it...but he would have to up it to $200 if I got a chest hair included in my frosting.

Yum!

Hope this year's party is as good, HighFlyingGL!

Sailing, Takes Me Away...

Back in the 80s to 90s, I was a crew member on a very large cruise ship, and I can tell you that the passengers have absolutely no clue what happens below deck. 

I'm sure this part can't be occurring anymore, with stricter environmental guidelines in place and hefty fines, but late at night we used to dump our garbage off the ship right into the ocean.  Big black bags of it, just coming right off the back of the ship.

But I'm sure this part still happens: the crew and entertainment workers are like one big incestuous family.  We had our own bar on a lower deck, nothing like the ones the passengers go to - ours was (and I'm sure still is)  a bare bones, low class gin-mill type of place.  The crew gets drunk just about every night, and you never knew who would wind up in what bed or who they would wake up next to.  What makes that even more raunchy as I look back on it is that the crew stayed in rooms of 2 or 4 people each.  So there was no privacy for these shenanigans. There were even occasions when a crew member might manage to rotate through all four beds and all four roomates in one drunken night.  The top billed members of the entertainment groups would usually have a single room, and people would hook up with them not due to attraction, but for the chance of a night of privacy.

The drunken fights were pretty legendary, too. 

The better looking male crew members (alas, I was not one of them) would have women passengers throwing themselves at them.  From the very young to the very old, it seemed a badge of honor to 'get' a crew member.  These male crew members were used to this, and used to have a standard line of "I've never gotten together with a passenger before, but you, I couldn't resist."  (Insert major gagging and barfing sounds here.  Thanks.)  Of course, little did the women know they were just one of hundreds, maybe thousands to hear the same routine.

Ah, we were young and crazy.

Young, crazy, and most likely disease-ridden with livers ready to go on strike.

Hope you had huge supply of condoms and penicillin in those days, CruisingMan.

Sunday Funday

Some of the strangest personal ads ever.  I am really loving these!

There is just so much here that is, well, astounding, that I am frankly overwhelmed.  Although really, aren't we all looking for a blue-balled carnie?

Well, this one isn't looking for love (or someone to poop on their face - ah, the romance makes me misty eyed!), but if you're in the market for a rancid partial turkey (Both drumsticks! Bargain!), I think $23.00 is a good deal.

"Get me a woman! Any woman!  From legal adult to nearing death! Whatever you've got will do..."

It just occurred to me - sir, have you heard about the 8 day old turkey that's available?

Kind of clever. But when you read it the way she would like you to, that good reputation part goes right out the window.

PIG. That title just gets right to the point, no? Wonder if he called?

Free My Willy

Back in high school, I worked at a video rental store.  One of the guys I worked with thought it was hysterical to switch the tapes around into the incorrect boxes.  His favorite was to put pornos into kid's movie boxes.  When people would come back irate, he would just blame the customer that had the tape previously.

I really have to say, that's kinda sick getting kicks outta the possibility of exposing kids to that kinda stuff.

But anyway...

So the movies they got were more like Throbbin' Hood, Mary Poopins and Free My Willy? 

Oy, that was bad.

Not gonna get my movies from your place, GrandSlammer (even your name sounds a little porn-y, ya know?)