Say What?!?

43 Things Actually Said In Job Interviews

By Rachel Zupek, CareerBuilder.com writer

"I'm not wanted in this state."
"How many young women work here?"
"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."
"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"
"I've never heard such a stupid question."
Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.
Maybe you were nervous, you thought the employer would appreciate your honesty, or maybe you just have no boundaries. Whatever the reason, you can be certain that you shouldn't tell an interviewer that it's probably best if they don't do a background check on you. (And yes, the hiring manager remembered you said that.)
We asked hiring managers to share the craziest things they've heard from applicants in an interview. Some are laugh-out-loud hysterical, others are jaw dropping -- the majority are both. To be sure, they will relieve anyone who has ever said something unfortunate at a job interview -- and simply amuse the rest of you.

Hiring managers shared these 43 memorable interview responses:

Why did you leave your last job?
1. "I have a problem with authority." - Carrie Rocha, COO of HousingLink

Tell us about a problem you had with a co-worker and how you resolved it
2. "The resolution was we were both fired."- Jason Shindler, CEO, Curvine Web Solutions

What kind of computer software have you used?
3. "Computers? Are those the black boxes that sit on the floor next to the desks? My boss has one of those. He uses it. I don't have one. He just gives me my schedule and I follow it." - Greg Szymanski, director of human resources, Geonerco Management, Inc

What are your hobbies and interests?
4. [He said] 'Well, as you can see, I'm a young, virile man and I'm single -- if you ladies know what I'm saying.' Then he looked at one of the fair-haired board members and said, 'I particularly like blondes.'" - Petri R.J. Darby, president, darbyDarnit Public Relations

Why should we hire you?
5. "I would be a great asset to the events team because I party all the time." - Bill McGowan, founder, Clarity Media Group

Do you have any questions?
6. "Cross dressing isn't a problem is it?" - Barry Maher, Barry Maher & Associates
7. "If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be?" - Megan Garnett, Articulate Leadership Team, Articulate Communications Inc.
8. "What do you want me to do if I cannot walk to work if it's raining? Can you pick me up?" - Christine Pechstein, career coach
9. "I was a Chamber of Commerce Executive once hiring a secretary. [The candidate asked] 'What does a Chamber of Commerce do?'" - Mary Kurek, Mary Kurek, Inc. Visibility Consulting
10. "Can we wrap this up fairly quickly? I have someplace I have to go." - Bruce Campbell, vice president of marketing, Clare Computer Solutions
11. "What is your company's policy on Monday absences?" - Campbell
12. "If this doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?" - Christine Bolzan, founder of Graduate Career Coaching
13. "How big do the bonuses really get once you make associate? I hear it's some serious cash." - Bolzan
14. "[The candidate asked,] 'Can my dad call you to talk about the job and the training program? He is really upset I'm not going to medical school and wants someone to explain the Wall Street path to him.' The dad did call. Then that dad's friends called and I ended up doing a conference call with a group of concerned parents ... long story." - Bolzan
15. "If I get an offer, how long do I have before I have to take the drug test?" - Bolzan
16. "When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?" - Bolzan
17. "Can I get a tour of the breast pumping room? I heard you have a great one here and while I don't plan on having children for at least 10 or 12 years, I will definitely breast feed and would want to use that room."- Bolzan
18. "So, how much do they pay you for doing these interviews?" - Jodi R.R. Smith, Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting

Why are you leaving your current job?
19. "Because I (expletive) my pants every time I enter the building." - Abbe Mortimore, Human Resources Manager, True Textiles, Inc.
20. "I was fired from my last job because they were forcing me to attend anger management classes." - Smith

Why are you looking for a job?
21. "Cigarettes are getting more expensive, so I need another job." - Pechstein
22. "My parents told me I need to get a job so that is why I'm here." - McGowan

Why do you want to work for us?
23. "Just for the benefits." - Jennifer Juergens, JJ Communications
24. "My old boss didn't like me, so one day, I just left and never came back. And here I am!" - Matt Cowall, communications manager, Appia Communications
25. "I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?" - Rebecca Gertsmark Oren, Communications Director at The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity

What are your assets? (as in strengths)
26. "Well, I do own a bike." - Pam Venné, principal, The Venné Group

What are your weaknesses?
27. "I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won't get mad at you." - Pechstein
28. "I had a job candidate tell me that she often oversleeps and has trouble getting out of bed in the morning." - Linda Yaffe, certified executive coach
29. "I am an alcoholic and do not deserve this job." - Deb Bailey, owner, Power Women Magazine & Radio Show
30. "I'm really not a big learner. You know ... some people love learning and are always picking up new things, but that's just not me. I'd much rather work at a place where the job is pretty stagnant and doesn't change a lot." - Michaele Charles, Voice Communications

When have you demonstrated leadership skills?
31. "Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that." - Rachel Croce

Is there anything else I should know about you?
32. "You should probably know I mud wrestle on the weekends." - Venne

When can you start?
33. "I need to check with my mom on that one." - Bolzan

Use three adjectives to describe yourself
34. "I hate questions like this." - Katrina Meistering, manager of outreach, National Fatherhood Initiative

Tell of a time you made a mistake and how you dealt with it
35. "I stole some equipment from my old job, and I had to pay for its replacement." - Meistering

Have you submitted your two weeks' notice to your current employer?
36. "What is two weeks' notice? I've never quit a job before, I've always been fired." - Meistering

Random responses
37. "One guy [said] 'it would probably be best' if I didn't run a background check on him. Of course, I did, and learned all about his long, sordid past of law-breaking. Our client actually offered him a job as a staff accountant, but quickly retracted the offer when I had to tell them all about his recent arrest for a meth lab in his basement." - Charles
38. "[A] guy said he did not have a mailing address, as he was living in a gypsy camp at the airport." - Sandra L. Flippo, SPHR
39. "I went into the lobby to pick up a candidate. As he stood up, his trousers fell to the floor! [He said] 'Oh, my gosh -- they told me I needed a suit for the interview. I've got no money -- so I borrowed this thing. It's too big!'" - Beth Ross, executive and career coach
40. "Wow -- I'm not used to wearing dress shoes! My feet are killing me. Can I show you these bloody blisters?" - Bolzan
41. "May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night." - Smith
42. (During a telephone call to schedule the interview) "Can we meet next month? I am currently incarcerated." - Smith
43. "[A candidate] was asked whether he could advocate impartially on behalf of the various universities he would be representing since he had attended one of them. He responded, 'Well, I don't like to poop where I eat, but I thought my education sucked, so I certainly wouldn't put that school above the others.'" - Darby

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

Crazy Child-Care Interviews

While working as the director of a child-care and preschool facility, I often interviewed many people for positions like preschool teacher or school-bus driver. Surprisingly, many of the applicants were rejected, because in a nutshell, there was no way that I was going to let them within ten feet of a kid, let alone trust them in a room alone with a while classroom full of them. These are some of the crazy things I have heard over the years from those that thought they would make perfect preschool teachers:

Question: How long have you worked in the child development field?
Answer: "Well, I was a kid for like 12 years or so but I grew up fast so maybe 10 years of experience being a child."
Answer: "I was a teacher for about five years before I went to jail for killing my boyfriend, cause he slept with this girl, so now I am trying to get back into teaching."

Question: Do you have a criminal record that may prevent you from working with kids?
Answer: "I have a criminal record but there were not kids involved, so yeah, I can work with kids."
Answer: "I was busted a while ago for DUI, but now I am real careful when I drive drunk."
Answer: "What exactly do you mean by criminal?"

Question: What makes you want to work with children (asked to a male teaching candidate)?
Answer: "Well, honestly, I have heard that you can meet a lot of single moms in this profession."

Question: You said that you were terminated from the last school you worked at, what was the reason?
Answer: "Well, they said I hit this kid. But I didn't, I just pushed him a little, so they fired me."
Answer: "There was this one kid that I hated and I kinda got pissed off and smacked him – but I am sure I will like all the kids here and that would never happen."

Question: What qualities do you have that would make you work well with young children?
Answer: "Well, I am really immature so I can relate to them and I also like to play with toys and video games. I think that they would like that."

Question: Is there anything else you would like to tell me about yourself?
Answer: "Well, I want to make at least $40,000 a year." (This person had no experience, had just graduated from high school and showed up in sweats and a t-shirt that said "Bite me.")
Answer: "Yes, I wanted to know if you wanted to have dinner with me later and maybe a drink. I think you're really pretty."
Answer: "Yes, I was wondering how long I have until I have to take a drug test. I am going to need a few days at least."
Answer: "I was wondering what the policy was on drinking on your lunch break." (The person was interviewing to be a bus driver.)
Answer: "Do I really have to teach them stuff or can I just babysit them?"
Answer: "If you hire me today can you give me an advance on my first paycheck? I've got a lot of bills to pay."
Needless to say once I got these answers, the interview was over.
– By Richel Newborg

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

Say What? Shocking Interview Stories

By Jenny Peters

We've all had that perfect job interview at least once in our lives, when everything clicks. It's that moment when both interviewer and interviewee realize that each has found exactly what the other is looking for, a moment of happy bliss.
But then there are the other times, those moments when a job interview goes horribly wrong. Perhaps not so funny as it is actually happening, but afterward you can't help but laugh at how strange, bizarre, downright weird the experience was. We asked both recruiters and job applicants to recount the oddest things said in a job interview; and you won't believe some of the things we heard.

Job Hunting While Under the Influence

My first job out of college was working for a big box retailer in their management-training program. Throughout my time there, I interviewed over 1,000 candidates from all walks of life. Far and away the one that I remember the most was with a young male applying for an overnight position.
The least of his problems was that he showed up to the interview 15 minutes late, wearing jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. It went downhill from there.
After a few minutes of questioning, he turned the tables on me and asked, "Why do I have to answer these stupid questions anyway?"
Then followed up immediately with, "You know what, I'm drunk. Can't you just give me the job now so I can leave?"
As I began to list the already large amount of reasons why he couldn't work for us, he pulled a beer out of his pocket to sip on while he was listening.
As any good young professional would do, I asked two of my peers to join me, to continue the interview as if he was a promising candidate, since there was no way they would have believed my story if I hadn't proved it to them.
– By Joe Arends


More interview stories tomorrow....

Sunday Silliness

Don't be the first one to pass out at a party...or else!

I think he's sporting about a B-cup, wouldn't you say?

And his belly button is named Richard.

Commuting gets very, very tiring.

Is that a playground? Now that's klass with a capital K!

The orange wax-like hand of the prankster intrigues me much more than the passed out dude.

Aw, he probably went in to help her hold her hair back, but then realized that the cold tile floor, stall wall and general public bathroom funk looked oh-so-comfortable.

From the I Hope That's Not Permanent Marker files:

How in the hell do you sleep through all that?!?!

The stress of finding nuts can turn anyone to the bottle.

Shot Through The Heart....

My boss got so wasted at an office happy hour one evening that while he was trying to show everyone what a great dart player he is, he accidentally impaled one of his employees in the chest with a metal dart.

I love this one sentence wonder.

By the way, I am also a very bad dart player whose confidence in her skills increases after a few beers.  Just a warning to ya all.

This one was sharp (heh), MotoCheese!

Valley Ho High-Heeled Assault

I just love this one due to the hotel name....

Valley Ho High Heeled Assault


Escort bludgeoned hotel valet for calling yellow cab instead of sedan

MAY 12--A female escort wielding a high-heeled shoe is facing an assault rap after she allegedly used the footwear to beat a valet bloody outside the Hotel Valley Ho in Scottsdale, Arizona, according to police. Jennifer Thomas, 26, was arrested early yesterday in connection with the Monday night attack on the 27-year-old male victim, who was injured after Thomas hit him in the head with the shoe. The heel's tip struck his scalp, "causing him to begin profusely bleeding," according to Scottsdale Police Department reports. "The gash was consistent with the size of the bottom of a high heel shoe." The unprovoked assault apparently was triggered after Thomas--who was wearing a miniskirt and had been drinking in the upscale hotel's bar--asked the valet to call her a cab. When a "standard Yellow Cab" arrived, Thomas, pictured in the mug shot below, became irate, saying, "I'm not fucking getting into that. Who do you think I am?" She added that hotel employees "should know I need a sedan." After a second vehicle was summoned--this time a Lincoln Town Car--Thomas removed a shoe and, "without prompt," took a "violent swing" at the valet. Though the man slipped the first blow, "before he could react again the woman used the same heel, held in her right hand, and hit him on the left side of the head." Directing the Lincoln's driver to "go, go, go!!!," Thomas fled the scene in the fancier ride, but was collared a few hours later at her Phoenix apartment. Following her arrest, which was first reported by the Scottsdale Arizona News blog, Thomas "confessed to the assault," but "claimed she was provoked by hotel staff," according to investigators. An arrest report, which lists Thomas's occupation as "upscale companion escort," notes that she was charged with assault, disorderly conduct, and possession of an invalid driver's license, all misdemeanors. The victim, who was "crying, shaking and talking loudly" when interviewed by cops, was treated at the scene by paramedics, but declined transport to a hospital.

I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands

I have a great affinity for crazy people in general, but crazy famous people?!?! LOVE 'EM! So I'm loving this:


Russell Crowe is set to capture America's heart all over again when Robin Hood hits theaters in two weeks. But let us not forget: Russell Crowe is crazy. Some exclusive excerpts from a new book remind us just how crazy.

The following excerpts are taken from

The Men Who Would Be King: An Almost Epic Tale of Moguls, Movies, and a Company Called DreamWorks
 by Nicole Laporte, which will be released May 4. Her chapter on the making of Gladiator contains these tidbits about what it's like to work with Russell Crowe. First, his negotiation style:

"You motherfucker. I will kill you with my bare hands."



"Hello?" Branko Lustig said, confused and barely awake; it was, after all, 3 a.m. in England.


"You motherfucker," the speaker repeated.


"Who's on the phone? Who is this?" Lustig demanded.


When Russell Crowe identified himself, the genuinely terrified Lustig, one of the producers of the about-to-be-filmed Gladiator, hung up and called Steven Spielberg in Los Angeles.


"Steven," he said. "I'm leaving. Russell wants to kill me. I'm leaving."


Having survived a concentration camp, Lustig was not taking any chances.


Crowe, not yet Russell Crowe, but still just another verkakte Australian coming off a sleeper (L.A. Confidential), was sour because he believed DreamWorks was low-balling his assistants on their per diems. Rather than raise this grievance at a mundane daylight hour, Crowe opted for a more dramatic statement, a tactic not unknown in these parts. The actor's recent behavior had been erratic, just like everything else on the project.

Next, a surly and apparently hung over Russell comes to a script meeting at Ridley Scott's production facility one morning. He insults the recent script changes and walks out. Ridley Scott finally tracks Crowe down and gently ushers him back to the meeting:

Finally, Crowe materialized—unrepentant and sans affability. If Scott's pep talk had any effect, it seemed to have lodged deep in the actor's subconscious. Crowe played along, but refused to summon a scintilla of good humor. He didn't so much recite his lines as growl them in a deranged accent that flitted between indeterminate continents of origin. More absurd was Oliver Reed's delivery. Even though his lines were as long as haiku, he filled them with dramatic flourishes. Having recently renounced drinking, he said that the only thing he was chugging was lemonade, but the question was just what he was mixing in the stuff.


"My oold frrriend," he read, puckering his lips and rolling his r's with all the pomp of a 17th century thespian.


Crowe, in turn, chewed up monologues, spitting out each and every poisonous syllable.


Screenwriter John Logan, who has lovingly crafted many of these lines, watched in horror. He scrawled four words on a piece of paper: "Kill me! Kill me!"


A month later, after filming in England, the shoot moved to Ouarzazate, Morocco – a town near the Sahara Desert, where Hollywood has traditionally gone for its sword and sandal needs (Lawrence of Arabia was filmed in the area). Crowe's mood did not improve. Twice, he had walked off the set. Even when he was supposedly having "fun," Crowe was a puffy pain. After challenging members of the crew to a foot race, and losing, he would mutter for days, "I would have won, but I can't run in the sand in sandals."



Heh! And finally, an inside look at the ferocious working style of the world's greatest actor (Russell Crowe):




Never were Crowe's spirits more in flux than when he was to read the climactic, "And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next" scene, in which his character, Maximus, removes his helmet and reveals his identity. It was only the most seminal line in the entire movie, and yet Crowe was convinced that it was ridiculous – overwrought, puffery that no man would ever be caught dead saying, least of all a brawny, sword-carrying killer standing under the unrelenting African sun. Scott was one of the few people who seemed to understand Crowe, that underneath all that volatility was a very scared actor who needed to feel safe. Rather than blow up at him, Scott waited until the tantrum subsided. Then he agreed to shoot the scene the way Crowe preferred.


After doing the take, Crowe still looked dissatisfied. "Let me see the other script again," he said to Scott, referring to the loathed revision. After studying the page stonily, he shrugged. "Well, we might as well try it."


And so, the scene was reshot. Everyone agreed it was brilliant. Everyone, that is, but Crowe. "Russell, what's the problem?" Scott asked, finally showing a hint of exasperation. "It worked."


"It was shit," Crowe repeated, "but I'm the greatest actor in the world and I can make even shit sound good." And with that he marched off.

Free Booze

Yesterday we made mention of a stupid liquor store robbery attempt.

Well, this video shows the clumsiest, most accident prone liquor store robber ever.  He just keeps getting worse with each subsequent move he makes.  Check it out for yourself:



My favorite part is when he gives up at the end, sits down on a keg and has a smoke while waiting for the police to come on in.

Boozin' Bookkeeper

One day, our bookkeeper came in looking a bit unsteady, and smelling like a distillery.  She told us she had been to a Bachelorette Party the night before, and it lasted until about three hours before she needed to be at work.  We are a fairly easy goimg group of poeple, and nobody said a word to our boss, who didn't come out of his office much anyway.  It was all fine, until she started writing checks.  She paid wrong amounts to the wrong payees, but the worst was when she added an extra zero to a $1,000 payment.  When the boss found out, she stupidly 'fessed up that it happened because she was drunk. (!!!)

Fired!!

Wow, I'm suprised she got fired.  If I get taken to task by my boss, I always figure my best excuse is to say I was wasted at work and all will be forgiven.  Can't imagine why it didn't work for her.

Cheers to BillyJames for this one!

2009 Darwin Awards

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist.... HONEST!

Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE STORY.

And the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he rushed to vomit into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his unfortunate sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles (HARD to control light airplanes when everyone moves to one side).

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston , VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot rail road trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said.

Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend -- no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter.

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, to the winner of this year's Darwin Award
(awarded, as always, posthumously):

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist ... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?

In The News: The Weirdest Of 2009

The $1 Million Striptease

By Ed Orum

After suffering through eight years of being harassed by her male colleagues, a British businesswoman wants her final paycheck - $1 million dollars.


Haley Tansey is suing her former employer for all the ways she was wronged over the years as a traveling loan manager at a bank. Testimony from her ongoing trial sounds like the storyline of a late night cable movie!


How's this for creepy? The married mother of one says she once woke up in a hotel room with the feeling of being watched. When she opened her eyes, she saw her male colleague standing over her bed, watching her sleep. Asking him to scram only made matters worse - he went into the bathroom and came out naked!

The two weren't sharing a room - the co-worker had managed to sneak his way in by telling a hotel employee he was her boyfriend and was too drunk to open the door.


Part of that was correct - the man was apparently pretty tipsy - some reports say he downed ten beers before the stripping stunt. Earlier that night, Tansey thought she was in the clear after successfully avoiding flirtatious advances from the married father of three before they retired to their respective rooms.

While this might be the most bizarre story to come out of the trial, apparently there are plenty of other reasons that forced Tansey to quit her job - including colleagues bragging about their bedroom antics, the exchange of X-rated DVDs and "grading" the female staff.

Bye, Bye, 2009

New Year's Eve can be a time of celebrating - sometimes to excess:

Can this be considered art?  I think so.  But then again I have never been known for my highbrow tastes.

I must be getting old because all I can think is "Who the hell is going to clean this up?!?"

Drunken yoga pose - the Downward Facing Drunk.

Well, at least they left his head uncovered. 

Waking up the next day can tough, too, you never know where you might wind up:

At least he was headed in the right direction. 

Four...more...stairs... and he would have been - well, somewhere.

Have a great New Year's Eve everyone, be responsible, and remember that cab drivers are your friends!

Merry Christmas!

Some of my all time favorite Christmas trees:

I definitely have all the necessary parts to make this at home.  I think I'll have another beer...

But wait!  Why mess with bottles, they really don't hold all that much.  Kegs are the way to go!

If you prefer wine, there's an option for you, too.

Once you've emptied all your bottles and kegs for the trees above, this is what happens when you attempt to put up a regular, old fashioned tree.

And lastly, a tree of unrefrigerated sushi.  YUM!!  If all the booze you consumed to make your Christmas tree hasn't made you throw up yet, eating this one will.

Have a Very Merry Christmas!!

Holiday Office Party

I have posted this one before, way back in the summer, but I wanted to get it up here again because I think it just summarizes Holiday Office Party fun so well.



I'm sure she got an excellent reference.

Frosted Nipples

Office holiday parties are notorious for people getting drunk and doing things they regret.  At mine a few years ago, a coworker I will call "Bob" was putting down drinks as fast as they could pour them.  He seemed to be handling it okay, until the moment he whipped off his shirt, exposing his hairy man boobs, and started gyrating his hips to the music.  Then he scraped some frosting off one of the desserts and applied it to his nipples, offering anyone, female or male, $100 to lick it off.

There were no takers.

Luckily for him we had a week off after the party.  He returned to work acting as if nothing had happened.  For all I know he remembers none of it.

There were NO pictures?!?! Seriously, this is the reason cell phone cameras were invented - for moments such as this.

By the way, $100 is a nice bit of cash, I'd consider it...but he would have to up it to $200 if I got a chest hair included in my frosting.

Yum!

Hope this year's party is as good, HighFlyingGL!

I Will Always Love You

A woman I work with is under the delusion that she is a great singer.  She is even convinced she can hit the high notes like Mariah Carey.  In reality, she sounds like an animal in pain.  She sings at her desk all day, which is painful enough but...

She travels around to all the local karaoke nights at various bars, and every single time she invites everyone from work.  As a general rule, no one goes, but one night a coworker and I decided to go for kicks.

She monopolized karaoke night, putting in song after song.  It was pretty much just her show.  She also mostly picked ballads.  She sang some Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and LOTS of Mariah.  It was really hard not laugh while she was signing, and all the other bars patrons were snickering and nudging each other but she didn't seem to notice.  It was actually quite sad.

After each performance, she'd come over to the two of us and asked how she'd done, with a look on her face that  told us that she thought she had been amazing.  We had to lie and say she was great, of course.  I'm not going to be the one to break her heart. 

Worst part of the night was when a drunk guy yelled "You sound like a dying cat, you can't f*%ing sing!!" while she was in the midst of "I Will Always Love You".  She confided in us later that sort of thing happened alot, and she took it in stride because she knew they were just drunk and jealous.

So when and where is the next karaoke night?  I'll be there!

Earplugs are wonderful things, Anony.

Sailing, Takes Me Away...

Back in the 80s to 90s, I was a crew member on a very large cruise ship, and I can tell you that the passengers have absolutely no clue what happens below deck. 

I'm sure this part can't be occurring anymore, with stricter environmental guidelines in place and hefty fines, but late at night we used to dump our garbage off the ship right into the ocean.  Big black bags of it, just coming right off the back of the ship.

But I'm sure this part still happens: the crew and entertainment workers are like one big incestuous family.  We had our own bar on a lower deck, nothing like the ones the passengers go to - ours was (and I'm sure still is)  a bare bones, low class gin-mill type of place.  The crew gets drunk just about every night, and you never knew who would wind up in what bed or who they would wake up next to.  What makes that even more raunchy as I look back on it is that the crew stayed in rooms of 2 or 4 people each.  So there was no privacy for these shenanigans. There were even occasions when a crew member might manage to rotate through all four beds and all four roomates in one drunken night.  The top billed members of the entertainment groups would usually have a single room, and people would hook up with them not due to attraction, but for the chance of a night of privacy.

The drunken fights were pretty legendary, too. 

The better looking male crew members (alas, I was not one of them) would have women passengers throwing themselves at them.  From the very young to the very old, it seemed a badge of honor to 'get' a crew member.  These male crew members were used to this, and used to have a standard line of "I've never gotten together with a passenger before, but you, I couldn't resist."  (Insert major gagging and barfing sounds here.  Thanks.)  Of course, little did the women know they were just one of hundreds, maybe thousands to hear the same routine.

Ah, we were young and crazy.

Young, crazy, and most likely disease-ridden with livers ready to go on strike.

Hope you had huge supply of condoms and penicillin in those days, CruisingMan.

Painting The Town, And The Bathroom, Red

I run a painting company.  One of the guys on my crew reported to work one morning totally trashed.  I would have told him to go the hell home and sleep it off, but that would have left me one man down and our client  wanted her project done and over with that day and I needed all hands on deck to meet the deadline.

As we were painting the bathroom, drunk guy is reaching up to paint a spot when he loses his balance.  He grabs the shower rod to stop himself from falling.  The rod pulls out of the wall, and he crashes into a ladder with an open, full can of paint on it.  Dark red paint goes flying all over, including the already painted white ceiling and trim.  I guess all the commotion made him feel sick, so he abruptly bent over and puked into the bathtub.

Seriously, the red covered bathroom looked like I had done what I really wanted to do to at that moment - massacre him.  I fired him, and then it took a few days to repair the damage and worst of all, I had to do it all for free.

I'm sure that client has given you many glowing recommendations and can't wait to use you guys for any future home remodeling.

*snicker*


Better luck with future employees, PaulieThePainter!

Sunday Silliness

I LOVE drunk people!  Quite possibly because I am one of them as much as is humanly possible...but still, I've never done this (and I wouldn't tell ya, anyway,  even if I had):



By the way, too much alcohol is just fine.  Be a fool.  And record it and send it to me.

*Hiccup*

And for anyone who has an extra four minutes, here's the longer, unedited version, which I totally believe is worth the extra time:

You Gotta Monsta!

This guy I work with likes to frequent full service massage parlors. On his last visit, he told me that he undressed and the woman screamed "Oh my, you gotta  monsta!" I am assuming that he is packing some heat.

Another time, he told me that he had gone to a strip club over the weekend and ended up waking up in his bed, missing his pants and his credit card. Someone had charged over $400 to it. His car was still at the strip club the next day and he does not remember leaving the bar. By the way, he lives with his parents and sister. His pants turned up in the computer room, but he never found his card or the missing funds. How does this happen?

Indeed, how DOES this happen?  You will have to interrogate this guy, find out for all of us and report back.  That is your mission, if you should choose to accept it (a little Mission Impossible reference there).

Am I to understand that somewhere between the strip club and arriving at his parents home pantless, he stopped at the compter room at work?  You really have to admire a hard-core work ethic such as that.

Thanks for your monsta entry, SureShot!