Snowmen

I'm feeling all winter wonderland-y, so...

You Make Me Sick

This guy I worked with HATED our boss with a passion.  When he came down with some sort of respiratory illness (and it was was a bad one, he was pretty sick) instead of calling out he purposely dragged himself into the office. He wanted to make it to lunch time, when he knew she would be out of her office for an hour.  When noon came around and she left, he went into her office and licked everything she would come in contact with.  Her pens, keyboard, phone receiver - the works.  Then he told everyone he was too sick to work and was going home.


Our boss DID wind up getting sick; but because she was such a workaholic she didn't take time off.  Which resulted in her being hospitalized with pneumonia.

I don't know where to start with this one.  First off, what an sh*tty thing to do!  Whoever you are, you suck.

Secondly, what sort of FREAK can lick a phone receiver, let alone someone else's?  And pens?  AND A KEYBOARD?!?!?  We all know these places are covered in types of bacteria I don't even want to think about.

Lastly, what if the boss had died?  That trial would have been quite bizarre - Pen Licker Convicted Of Manslaughter.

Oy.

JealousJoseph, please nudge this guy in the direction of some major therapy.  Society will thank you.

You're So Vain, I Bet You Think This Post Is About You...

I worked with a woman who was so vain it was insane.  (Poetry! Yay!)  She had a large standing mirror at her desk and would watch herself in it as she did her work.  She also touched up her makeup continuously, which would take her a good fifteen minutes for a single retouch session.  And trust me, she must have had to scrape off the stuff with a trowel at night, it was inches thick.  The other women  in the office were always amused when she would offer them makeovers and give unsolicted tips such as "Contouring would really bring out your cheekbones, honey".  Her form of contouring was  painting a brown stripe under each cheek.

One day she brought in all these Glamour Shot portraits she had taken at the mall and hung them all over her cubicle walls.  She referred to them as 'her portfolio'. 

Now I can't stop Carly Simon from singing in my head.  I really hate earworms.

"You're so vain..."

Thanks for making me crazy with this stupid song, MarvinPlata!

The F*%^ing Holiday Party

Lets get into the spirit of the season, shall we?

I think Patty here started off on the wrong foot, I mean, who in this day and age wouldn't call it a Holiday Party to start with?  Beyond that though, anyone who has tried to arrange an event for a large group of people knows how easily everyone's different demands can drive you bonkers...

Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.

Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty



Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!


Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Postponed...

Holy crap, I have the worst headache today, so bad it makes me want to barf.  Therefore, today's post is postponed until I can be my witty, snarky self again.  Be sure to tune in tomorrow, when I will be back to normal (well, as normal as I actually get).

Sunday Funnies

Found some incredibly funny stuff at Probably Bad News.

Here's some highlights:

They come with bombs strapped to their little hairy chests.

Never did trust those Jack Russells.

Be careful.  The terrorist Jack Russells will hunt you down when your clothing is bacon scented.

Whopper? As in Burger King?  Seriously, this headline just confuses me.  Although in all honesty, I think I'd prefer NOT to understand what it actually means.

Oh! THAT'S where I left her!  I remember getting out the mayo and then, poof, she was gone!

I guess the result was something like this:

Okay.  Let's continue...

I always thought something sleazy was going on in the basement of Ace Hardware.

But the mayor of New Orleans probably enjoys his trips to buy "hardware":

And he may just want to become a fan of Pam Anderson:

And we don't know his grooming preferences, but:

I Will Always Love You

A woman I work with is under the delusion that she is a great singer.  She is even convinced she can hit the high notes like Mariah Carey.  In reality, she sounds like an animal in pain.  She sings at her desk all day, which is painful enough but...

She travels around to all the local karaoke nights at various bars, and every single time she invites everyone from work.  As a general rule, no one goes, but one night a coworker and I decided to go for kicks.

She monopolized karaoke night, putting in song after song.  It was pretty much just her show.  She also mostly picked ballads.  She sang some Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, and LOTS of Mariah.  It was really hard not laugh while she was signing, and all the other bars patrons were snickering and nudging each other but she didn't seem to notice.  It was actually quite sad.

After each performance, she'd come over to the two of us and asked how she'd done, with a look on her face that  told us that she thought she had been amazing.  We had to lie and say she was great, of course.  I'm not going to be the one to break her heart. 

Worst part of the night was when a drunk guy yelled "You sound like a dying cat, you can't f*%ing sing!!" while she was in the midst of "I Will Always Love You".  She confided in us later that sort of thing happened alot, and she took it in stride because she knew they were just drunk and jealous.

So when and where is the next karaoke night?  I'll be there!

Earplugs are wonderful things, Anony.