Don't Be A Wiseguy

There was a guy where I worked who liked to act like he was one of the Sopranos, even though he was a tiny little nerdy guy with glasses.  If anyone complained about someone, say a neighbor for example, he'd say "I could have him taken care of for ya" while attempting to look all tough and mysterious (which he was incapable of; it wasn't intimidating at all, just hilarious).  He dyed his hair jet black, greased it back, had huge gold medallions hanging around his neck and walked with this bizarre strut.  Sometimes he'd hang up the phone when someone would walk near him and say "You don't wanna be hearin' any of dat stuff.  Could be bad for ya."  When five o'clock rolled around, he's look at his watch and say things like "Gotta get outta here, got some REAL business to attend to, if ya know what I mean."

The sad part was we all knew he lived with his mother and a whole bunch of cats.  He was just a dork trying to act tough.

That would be genius though! No one would ever suspect him!  I suggest you stay away from Mommy and the cats, if you know what's good for ya.

Thanks to Lil!

Sunday Funday!!

Pictures say a thousand words.  And tell a million stories of stupidity.

                 And I thought the burning hot metal of my youth was bad. 

                 What an electrifying party! It's quite shocking. Heh.

               

   Summer just ain't summer without stitches and broken bones.

"I don't get it why you're complaining.  You said new windows, you got new windows, right?"

                                                        Tonight's entree will be idiot stew.

I would imagine the employees are lining up for the job of emptying that bottle.

You Can't Pick Your Relatives, But You CAN Pick Your Nose!

For the purpose of this post I will call this coworker of mine Stella. Stinky Stella didn't bathe as often as the rest of the world. If she showered once a week I would be surprised. She worked in my department for 7 or 8 years and we complained many times to the supervisor. She would have a talk with Stinky Stella and for a few days she wouldn't stink to high heaven. But it wouldn't be very long that she would start smelling really ripe again. She is very open about telling everyone she picks up guys on the internet, talks to them online and then goes to meet them. She also would talk to her computer and answer the computer sometimes it seemed as though she was having an argument with herself. Part of her daily diet was nose content. She picked her nose and ate it! She is without a doubt the grossest person I have had to work with.

I guess having, ahem, "nose content"  for lunch is good for people on a budget.  Or something. 

Thanks to Di!

Dry Roasted Nuts

I am a personal trainer at a gym.  One of my fellow PTs is odd, to say the least.  After someone as worked out on a bench, he actually hopes they don't wipe it down (they are supposed to, but you'd be suprised how many people don't) and likes to run his hand through the fresh sweat.  He tends to walk around naked a lot in the locker room, long after he's done showering and whatever, as he likes to have conversations with people while nude.  After his shower, he actually blow dries his balls, and does it for long periods of time, sort of like he wants everyone to see him doing this.  He's a whack job, that's for sure.

Ah, nothing like the smell of fried balls in the afternoon.

A big nutty thank you to Greg!

Stuff It

My boss had a stuffed animal fetish. Her office was decorated with rows upon rows of animals that she straightened and gave a little pat to each day.

One day while she was on vacation, we stole them all and hid them in a supply closet. When she came back, she cried and screamed and acted like we had kidnapped her children or something. She was threatening to call the police!! Without anyone directly admitting to the theft, we advised her as to where she could find her "babies". Since she couldn't fire the whole office, we got through it pretty unscathed.

You should have let her call the police. It would have given the 911 operators a bit of a chuckle.

Maybe you should pass on the information about this convention to her.
Thanks to Brant P.!

My Heart Will Go On...

Gina floats one by us:

A woman I work with is obsessed with the sinking of the Titanic. The real event, not the movie, although she likes the film too. She has no connection to the ship whatsoever, none of her ancestors were on it or anything, yet she wears lapel buttons that say things like "Remember the Tragedy" with a picture of the boat. Her office is totally decorated with Titanic paraphernalia. At lunch in the kitchen she will get on the subject and actually sob about all the lives lost. If you don't commiserate with her grief, she will get mad and call you cold and ask why you have no feelings at all about the hundreds that died.

We avoid her at all costs.

I have a sinking feeling that she's nuts.

Axl and Celine

Jane says:

I worked with a guy who insisted who knew all sorts of famous bands and singers. For example, if you said you love Guns & Roses, he supposedly knew them and would say "Give me one of your CDs and I'll have Axl sign it for you." He would do this for pretty much any band or singer, from Celine Dion to Metallica. Anyway, he would bring back your CD with just 'Axl' or 'Celine' written on the corner of the cover page. The funniest part was all the signatures were in the same handwriting - his.

Maybe Axl Rose and Celine Dion DO have the same handwriting. They are so similar in other ways, it could be possible right?