Ding Dong

I work with someone who likes to brag about the size of his 'manhood'.  He's always fitting it into the coversation somehow.  For example, if we ever use big or huge or any word with the same meaning to describe something, he'll say something along the lines of "Well it's sure as hell not as big as my shlong!"  Doesn't matter what we were talking about; we could've called anything from a dog to a cloud large and he'd bust out with his penis comparison.

He once even made a joke about having to tuck it into his boot.

What happens when he doesn't wear boots?  Does it sneak out his pant leg and trail behind him like a big ol' snail?  Bad if he walks on rough asphalt; the cheese grater effect and all that.

Thanks Melodia!  This one was HUGE!

She Bugs Me

I'm sitting at my desk one day, pecking away on my computer, when I see the woman at the neighboring desk scratching her head furiously.  She has looong hair, down to her waist, and she's digging in there under all that to get to whatever is bothering her.  So I lean over to make a joke and say "Damn, girl, do you have bugs in there or what?"  She replies "Well actually, my son brought home lice from his school and I caught them, but I just can't bear to cut off my hair so I just can't seem to get rid of them!"  And then she laughed, like it was okay that she was spreading her cooties around our office.

I told my boss who told her to use her sick time until it was all cleared up.  I got lice anyway though, and had to cut my own hair and douse myself with RID.  It probably won't suprise you to know I hate her guts.

Holy crap, that's disgusting. Maybe you could casually cough all over her phone and keyboard and tell her "You know, my kid brought home tuberculosis the other day and I seem to have caught it! Tee Hee!"

This one totally gave me the heebie jeebies, MeanJean.

That Snot Right

Guy I used to work with blew his snot onto the floor of his cubicle.  He did the 'hold one nostril and blow hard' deal and just let them go where the wind might take 'em.

That poor cleaning crew.  I wonder if their vacuums stuck to the boogers, kinda like gum, all gooey and stretchy.

*heave*

Buy this disgusting creature some tissues, JoeBlow.

Burn, Baby, Burn

I worked for a certain person who would drive me completely insane. She used to eat yogurt with a spoon very slowly as she talked for 2 hours. I found myself staring at the spoon and wishing it would spontaneously combust and burn in a hot metal fire. She also was a fanantic about staples. When she found a staple that was not 2 inches from the top of the page and centered she would remove it and place a post-a-note informing you where to staple and circle the area in red marker. So basically you would have to redo everything. She kept me in an office completely by myself. I was not allowed to eat or talk with other staff. The only hope I had was staring out the window waiting for the delivery driver. It is no wonder my favorite color is brown.

I'm not sure she did the wrong thing by separating you from others. I mean you're wishing that people would combust in yogurt related fires.  Sounds a little crazy, ya know?

Don't worry, brown is a cool color, JHSzurpicki.

Bowling Shoe Fetish

Worked at a bowling alley.  Freakazoid there enjoyed smelling the rental shoes after they had been worn.  Got fired when he started telling people he couldn't find their street shoes. He was smuggling them home in a duffel bag.

I like this almost abrupt, straight to the point writing style.  Sorta like the old fashioned telegrams:

WEIRD GUY SMELLS SHOES.  STOP.   STEALS SHOES.  STOP.  GETS FIRED.  STOP.

Actually, I think I might just start talking like that in everyday conversations.  Stop.  Should be interesting.  Stop.

That's a good reason to buy your own bowling shoes, Marvin.

Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The News

Funny doctor stuff - 'cause we all know being a doctor is a bunch of laughs and crazy, fun times, right?

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco

Ok, Dr. Mark, why didn't the woman in the wrong cab object to this?  Was she comatose or dead?  Or are you just really hot so she didn't mind the underwear removal?

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. '"Big breaths" I instructed. '"Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

I bet that poor woman never forgave herself for serving beans the night before...

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked. '"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered  "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.  I can't seem to get used to the taste."  Bob replied. I then asked  to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI



You know, KY Jelly might actually taste better than hospital food. Any of you who have eaten it know what I mean.

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read  'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said ' Sorry . . .had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name


How do you know it was dyed? Maybe she's a natural greenhead.

As a new, young MD doing my residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Dr. wouldn't submit his name


I wouldn't submit my name either, what kind of freak whistles that song?







*goes off singing into the sunset "Oh I Wish I....*

Sunday Funnies

You know how when you go on a roller coaster at theme parks they snap your picture as you're going through, and then try to extort insane amounts of money sell it to you on the way out?

Well, if any of these had been mine, I would have paid whatever they asked:

Yeah, that'll ruin everyone's day.

I don't get this one.  Are they trying to do the telephone can/string thing? Did they construct one of these to carry around the park all day?  How did they know they wouldn't be sitting by each other?   Did they request not to be so they could use it?  And is the one guy barfing in his?

Aw, you ruined it by covering your face, ya coward.  It's no fun if all the people standing around the photo booth can't point at you and scream "Look, it's nipple tweaking dude!".

Look at the guy in the front with his rock n' roll hand gestures.  He looks too cool.  And he knows it, you can tell by his face.

"Son, the picture they took of us on the roller coaster came out great!  Let's get a copy for Gran and use it on our holiday cards this year!"