Belly Graham

Remember Victor from yesterday?  Well, there's more...

 On my 50th birthday, my best friend schemed with my partner to set up a surprise 'Belly Gram' during the work day. Apparently this bit of info was circulating among all the employees for a week and I never got a hint of it. On the day, they got me into the conference room for a short meeting and when I came out there was a sexy belly dancer dancing away to Arabic music. She had arrived while I was in the 'meeting', changed her clothes in one of our darkrooms and brought her own tape player. It was a great surprise and was topped off by a cake from a porn bakery in the shape of large boobs. 

After the whole show was over, Victor came to me and said he had misunderstood what was circulating about my birthday.

Victor, a born again Christian, actually thought Billy Graham was coming for my birthday and he had brought his bible in to get his autograph. I was much happier to have the Belly Gram.

And I am sure even happier that it wasn't a Billy Graham Belly Gram.

Thanks again, Bob!

Perfectionist Defectionist

My employee Victor was an Olympic athlete that escaped from the Hungarian Olympic team in France, joined the Foreign Legion, went AWOL and somehow got into the US.  He was a stripper (unfortunately, not the naked kind -  the photography kind). It's a very stressful and precise job.  One day Victor was having a few problems and things were not going as smoothly as usual. Nothing serious, but Victor was a perfectionist and he got very upset when he wasn't perfect.

Victor was a born again fundamentalist who believed God controlled everything. When things didn't go perfectly, he of course felt God had a hand in it. So one day, after a couple of minor errors, which required him to do something over, he looked up at the ceiling and shook his fist at God and said "If you think this is so easy I'd like to see you come down here and do it."

He was such a literal believer that he blamed God for everything that went wrong. One morning he choked on a jelly donut and he chastised God for the rest of the day. He always lived in an apartment that his friends rented. He owned two pairs of socks and two pairs of underwear and washed them out every night. That's not an exaggeration, it's actually true. He wore warm up type athletic clothes every day and he was a very fit athlete.

 We sometimes needed to do alterations on the photos with chemicals and we provided blue lab coats to protect employee's clothing. Well, Victor fell in love with the lab coat concept and wore his every day over his athletic gear.  Victor would always go out during his lunch hour wearing the lab coat to either take a walk, or do some sunbathing. One day he decided to go into an open area in the parking lot and lay down for a short nap and get some sunbathing in.

You can guess. Some passerby saw him stretched out and thought he was dead. They called the police and when my partner and I returned from lunch we saw police cars and an ambulance trying to aid him.

Another time he was standing in his lab coat outside our building, holding a cup of coffee.

Yes, you probably guessed it again, someone mistook him for a homeless person and dropped a quarter into his coffee.

So what I want to know is, DID God come on down and help? 

And where can I get one of these awesome lab coats?   But I'd prefer dollars to quarters - thanks.

Good story, Bob!

News Producer Loses His Mind (And, I Would Assume, His Job)

NSFW - there's quite a bit of profanity.  My favorite being "dumb b*tch".  Heh.

Sunday Funnies

Ah, typos.  Love those suckers.

I wish I could take a picture of the visual image this creates in  my brain, but you'll just have to use your imaginations...

I have heard communal hot tubs are a germ breeding ground, but this is overstating it a bit, no?

Damn, that's expensive, especially when I can just make my own at home.

That's great that his fellow attorneys are willing to, uh, 'help' him out by getting into his legal briefs.

This word is for when you want to say immediately and permanently at the same time yet need to economize on letters.  Genius!

Unfortunately, you have drive a bit further to find a toad that IS through.  Through with what though, is the real question.

Hitting The Target

When I worked at Target, a fellow cashier was pretty nutty.  She would loudly comment on every single item people were purchasing.  EVERY.  SINGLE.  THING.  It's okay to talk about one or two things, but she would have something to say about everything from bicycles to gum.  So a typical check out event for her went something like this:

"Great book!  Do you read a lot? Whitening toothpaste!  Your teeth don't seem yellow to me! Gum!  I love that flavor!  Nice eyeshadow, do you think that would look good on me?  Pretzels! Boy, I'm hungry!  A DVD player!  Whatcha gonna watch?  Gloves!  It's chilly out there!  Mouthwash - someone wants minty fresh breath!"

This was annoying as all heck, but she didn't even sensor herself when it came to, shall we say, personal or intimate products:

"Tampons!  Guess someone has their monthly visitor!  Preparation H!  Ouch, does it hurt to sit?  Lacy bra- sexy, sexy!  Condoms!  Someone's gonna get lucky!!  KY Jelly - the slipperier the better, eh?"

Management reapeatedly warned her to stop, but it was almost as if she couldn't.  So they had to let her go.

Oh boy. I can only hope her next job was not at a doctor's office.

"Wow, that growth is huge!  I can hardly look at you!  So you have an STD? How'd you get it?  You're getting psych drugs - why, are you crazy?  What's that thing on your face? Can I touch it?"

Thanks, Frances, for letting us check this one out.  *groan*

You Gotta Monsta!

This guy I work with likes to frequent full service massage parlors. On his last visit, he told me that he undressed and the woman screamed "Oh my, you gotta  monsta!" I am assuming that he is packing some heat.

Another time, he told me that he had gone to a strip club over the weekend and ended up waking up in his bed, missing his pants and his credit card. Someone had charged over $400 to it. His car was still at the strip club the next day and he does not remember leaving the bar. By the way, he lives with his parents and sister. His pants turned up in the computer room, but he never found his card or the missing funds. How does this happen?

Indeed, how DOES this happen?  You will have to interrogate this guy, find out for all of us and report back.  That is your mission, if you should choose to accept it (a little Mission Impossible reference there).

Am I to understand that somewhere between the strip club and arriving at his parents home pantless, he stopped at the compter room at work?  You really have to admire a hard-core work ethic such as that.

Thanks for your monsta entry, SureShot!

Lazy and Crazy

For three years I worked in a project where we met with people from other parts of the country regularly. One of those – a man – was particularly lazy. At meetings he would go on-and-on-and-on about things he had done in the past, and how everybody else should do things. All this was done in a very aggressive manner. The problem was that some of us knew his former colleagues, and they all told stories about his aggressive behaviour, laziness and not getting work done! Whenever a deadline was approaching he had developed the bad habit of calling me, asking for a copy of my work, and then he would just change the names and dates as necessary. Fortunately everybody knew this – thanks to me ;-) As another colleague put it: To him a deadline was an infinite list of new time limits!

and very loudly accused me of deliberately making an error in 'his' part of the report. I said that I did not do that, and I just copied the work he sent me into the report. He then accused me of lying. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just got so mad that I completely lost my temper.

After three years of work everybody had had it with him. At the very last meeting we were showing each other the results, among other things I had been responsible for a report and the guy had sent some information to include (of course he had somebody else do it, he just forwarded it by e-mail). Then he suddenly

I shouted that I was fed up with three years of lazy, aggressive behaviour, that he had done NOTHING to contribute positively to this project, and that if I ever had to work with him again, I would go mental. He got totally white and shouted to the chairman to stop me. The chairman smiled at him and said “NO! She has got the right to tell you this!” In the end I had told him off, leaving several much older meeting participants stunned, but everybody agreed with me. Not until after the meeting I remembered that my boss was there. He gave me a hug, looked at me, and said: “Finally you got that off your chest. Well done!” The lazy colleague never spoke to me again, and all I have ever heard of him since is that he is having difficulty holding on to a job, since no finished work ever leaves his office.

So you REALLY didn't make a mistake on his part of the report on purpose?  C'mon, you can tell us, we'll keep your secret! Heh.




A lazy, yet aggressive, thank you to My Sharp Tongue for this one!