Helpful Hints

I have gotten quite a few submissions from people who work in the fast food industry.  They have taught me exactly what I should and should not do in order to gain employment and be a stellar employee at one of these establishments.  I will let you in on the tips I have gleaned, just because I enjoy being generous and helping others.  Heh.

1.  Make sure to never wash your hands, hair or armpits.  The worse the you smell, the better.

2.  Have insanely bad bathroom habits.  Do not flush, nor wash up after.

3.   Pick your pimples, ears  or nose, preferably all three, at any given opportunity.

4.  Carry a plastic kiddie lunch box with a lunch your mother has made for you, even if you are a full fledged adult.

4.  Have  a loooong resume, the longer the better.  Ten pages should just about do it.  Make sure that you have outlined your inability to hold a job for longer than two months.

5.   Dress to impress for your interview.  For example, a holey white T-shirt and a skirt or pants that are way too tight should do the trick.

6.   Wear those same clothes you got hired in every day.

7.   Never cover your sneezes or coughs.  This is important, as mucus adds flavor.

8.   Pick you fingernails and let the pieces fall into the salad bar.  A little crunch is always appealing in a salad.  Who needs croutons?

9.   Braces, lisps, or any other speech impediments that cause you to spit as you talk is a bonus.

10.  Lick all food products before they are given to the customer.  This is simply good customer service.

Thanks to Badguy, Cheex17, SomeNewlyMarriedWife, AngieP. and YesChef! for their contributions to my future employment.

Didn't Click With The Clique

The retail store where I work has a bunch of female employees, and we all get along together well and hang out outside of work. A new woman got hired at what I will call P.C. Jenny's (no one's EVER gonna figure that one out, LuLuTwo!) and was desperate to join our group. Now, we are a friendly group, so her fitting in shouldn't have been a problem, but she was a kook. She smelled, was dirty, and stared at people until they became uncomfortable (good hiring choice there, P.C. Jenny's!). One day, in order to fit in, she played a prank on us. I guess she thought we'd all think it was funny and suddenly embrace her and her smelly weirdness. But the prank was far from amusing. Her shift was over a full two hours before closing, and she left to go home. Or so we thought. After we had closed up our registers and had gathered where we typically met every night to shoot the bull, she came popping out of the middle of one of the nearby circular clothes racks screaming. And then laughing hysterically. We all ran and someone hit the panic button. The police came, and they arrested her for causing a false alarm or something like that. We never saw her again.



Imagine, she stayed crouched down in a rack for TWO HOURS to carry this out!

Wow, see what you could have avoided if only you hadn't been so clique-ish? Hmmm? Let this be a lesson to you. Weirdos and freaks need friends too.

But don't any of you nutballs take this as an open invitation.  I have enough friends. Note, I said a lesson to YOU, not a lesson to ME.

That was a clothes call, LuluTwo!  Heh.

Pants-less Romanians

I work at a restaurant and we had employees come from Romania for a college/work visa for the summer. I offered to take them home one night; they thought it would be hilarious to strip down to their tighty whities and get in my car in just that and their aprons & bow ties. Hysterical as it was, I pretended to be scarred for life.

You could have dropped them off at a Chippendales (do those even exist anymore?!) and made a bundle off of  these dudes. 

And by the way, how exactly did you offer to 'take them home'?  Maybe it got lost in translation, and they took it to mean YOUR home and just wanted to get themselves ready for the, um, fun.

Thank you, Anonymous (ya know, there are a heck of a lotta people named that)!

Sunday Silliness

Warning Labels. 

You gotta wonder what the incident was that prompted these:

I'm glad they included the diagram. 

No people in the washer?  How am I ever gonna wash my kids then?

The detached fingers just tell the story, don't they?

Doesn't it say apple on it somewhere?  'Cause you can eat apples so I see how this might happen.

Shrimp Tales

The owner of the restaurant where I waitress is CHEAP. I will outline some of her cost cutting methods:


The spray bottles that we use to disinfect tables and other surfaces are not filled with cleaning product, but rather, water.

If any rolls are uneaten in bread baskets, they just go back to the kitchen to have a few new rolls thrown on top. Once a customer found shrimp tails in the bottom of their basket.

Salsa or any sort of dip left in dishes just gets thrown in a communal pot to use again. Same with lettuce for salads.


The soap in the bathrooms is usually diluted to about 75% water. And that's the soap we use too before preparing your food.


If the cloth napkins LOOK clean, she will fold them up to be reused. That's why our napkins are black; it hides stains better.

Free shrimp tails and a side of salmonella with every entree!  What more can ya ask for?

Hey, Brit, here's a tip - don't eat at your own place of work!

Pulverized Pussy

I am a landscaper.  One time my coworker and I were cutting a lawn with our big ride-on mowers that pretty much shred everything in their path.  Our client, Mirna, had this big, fat, black and white cat named Max. I don't know if Max was sick or what, but he was lying in the middle of the lawn the whole time we were mowing and seemed to have no inclination to move.

The guy I was working with, who was pretty much stoned for 24 hours a day, didn't see Max.  And ran him over with the mower.  Max became, well, basically confetti.

Holy crap!! That is AWFUL!  I hope you got the woman a new pussy since you destroyed her old one...

Thanks, Sean, you're the cat's meow!

Pissin' My Pants

Karl and Harry were my friends that I worked with.  Harry weighed about 400 lbs, more at times. After a summer in the sun he would pull up his shirt and pick up his breasts, which were huge, and show us the white tan lines beneath them. He also came back from the men's room one time with his pants all wet in the front. Karl, his friend, brought this to his attention and Harry said "I thought I had 'it' out". No! 'It' was still in!  He could not see 'it' without a mirror under his belly!

This raises all sorts of questions that I really don't want to think about, but I will anyway...

Like what else might be accumulating under his moobs.  And how his hygiene plays out with - ahem - 'it'.  I mean he can't even SEE the damn thing.  And 'marital relations', what about th... *heave*  I gotta stop.  I just can't possibly go on.


Thanks to Ed for making me unable to eat my lunch!