Friday, July 31, 2009

Skid Marks

Don't touch Rachel's hair. You will know why after reading her story:

Well, one day, my boss hired this guy to be the new intern where I work. He was supposed to fetch the paid workers coffee, muffins, tea or whatever else we wanted. He always did strange things; we would ask for coffee and he would bring us a tea. Most of us grew used to it. One day I requested "Will you go get me my jacket? It's freezing in here." At first I thought he was going to get the jacket, until he came back NAKED, ran over to me, put his tighty whities over my head and said "Better?" I replied: "YOU ARE FIRED, YOU (expletives deleted for those with delicate sensibilities ). Pulling his underwear off my head, I realized it had a terrible stench and a big skid mark in the seat. I didn't get out off the shower for over 3 hours when I got home.

But, really, what do you want from an unpaid intern? You get what you pay for and all that!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Gettin' Jizzy With It

I am starting to learn that people are more sick than I thought. Here's yours, Kristi:

I work as a nail technician. In my old salon, my coworker was a real hippie, natural, holistic type person. She stank, but that's not the issue here. We always massaged our clients hands with lotion that was supplied by the salon, but Rainbow had odd beliefs in the properties of certain natural substances. She was convinced semen was the best all around skin fortifier. She even said it had anti-aging properties, and she wanted to provide that to our customers. Naturally, she knew she would never be allowed to use that on clients, so she devised her own plan. She had her boyfriend (who was probably equally stinky) make a 'deposit' into a jar, and she would bring it in to add to her salon supplied bottle of lotion. She was convinced her customers hands looked way better than anyone else's when she was done. I didn't bother to tell the management, because, frankly, it didn't affect me.

She also availed herself of the miracle properties of semen - she claimed to use it as a face mask.

Yuck. But did her skin look good? I mean, I'm not getting any younger here ya know...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Mothballs, Oatmeal and Happy Holidays

Todd's is odd: (Hehe! That rhymes!)

I worked with a lady who was not particularly old, probably in her 50s, but acted like she was 80. She moved slow, talked slow, ate slow. She brought instant oatmeal in for her lunch. All her clothes smelled of mothballs. She had a sweater or shirt for every holiday, but she used to wear them at inappropriate times. Like her Christmas sweater in March. Or her St. Patrick's Day shirt in November. And apparently in her world, Halloween was all year 'round.

She was so messing with ya all just trying to get early retirement.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I just want to thank you for your submissions! You all rock!

Who's Your Daddy?

Daddy issues from Mark:

We had this woman at work who was in her 40s and had this totally bizarre habit of calling all the men she came in contact with "Daddy". For example, if someone asked her to print a report, she'd say "Be right back with that, Daddy" and wink. She didn't call women Mommy or anything, it was all Daddy, all the time. It was creepy but no one said "Stop calling me that" because you never know with people of that sort what will set them off and cause them to massacre the whole office. So we just went along with it.

That's very disturbing. I wonder if she called her actual father "Boss?".

Monday, July 27, 2009

It's a Jungle Down There!

Tina, yours is definitely horrifying:

I was a nurse who worked at a gynecologist's office. The doctor had a habit of making comments to colleagues in the office about his patients. For example, he would say that one woman needed a good waxer, because she was too hairy in his opinion. He also referred to labia as tent flaps, as in "that woman had the biggest tent flaps I've ever seen". ( He was nasty about patients' weight and looks, making comments after an exam such as "I'm probably the only one who will ever be seeing THAT area." He called pregnant women whales and fatties. He made the 'throwing a hot dog down the Lincoln Tunnel' joke about a few women. I would have reported him, but shockingly enough, he was actually a very good doctor. He just couldn't shut his mouth.

I had to edit a couple of things out of this one because they were just TOO graphic. Otherwise, you'd have to bleach your brain like I've been trying to do.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday Funnies

Occasionally I get off the subject of crazy people at work to share stuff that I find amusing. So here we go, a few ads from the past!

Lard?!?! Really? They won't be as happy when people start calling them lard asses. Bathing suits and lard just don't mix.

But after you get all happy with your lard, you can solve your weight problem with:

Ok, that's just going waaaaay to far to be skinny, doncha think?

Well, if the tape worms don't work, maybe you can try some doctor prescribed ciggies:

Ok, this next one read it and you'll see...

Lysol? FREAKIN' LYSOL?!?!?! At that point you might as well start using bleach as a body wash. Apparently you need some strong cleaning products to break through that good ol' web of indifference.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Something's Fishy Around Here...

Saturday belongs to Name Withheld:

There was a woman at work who kept a goldfish bowl on her desk. She was INSANE about this goldfish, calling it by its name, Swimmy, and telling the office about all its antics and activities. Which, obviously, there wasn't much of. So another coworker decided he couldn't stand it anymore, and poisoned the fish *gasp of horror*. Swimmy's mom (yes, she called herself that) figured he died of natural causes, took a proper amount if grieving, and got Swimmy Too. Fish killer strikes again. This happens 4 times, until the fifth time he pours cement into Swimmy IV's bowl. The sludgy mess made her finally realize there was fish murderer about, and this knowledge made her lose it. She ran screaming hysterically and profanely into our bosses office, and then was escorted out for a 'medical leave of absence'.

A fish serial killer. That's different. Write back and let us know what happened to the culprit, ok?

Friday, July 24, 2009

Lydia Chlamydia

P.J. has a fun one...

I worked with a woman who fought loudly with her husband constantly on her phone. We were all packed tightly in cubicles, so pretty much 30 people were privy to her arguments. These are some of the charming facts we discovered about her husband:

He enjoyed the services of hookers.

Picked up strange and skanky women in bars.

Gave her chlamydia.

He has a tiny penis (according to the angry wife, so who knows?).

He wore his underwear for consecutive days without washing.

He didn't flush the toilet after using it.

He left skid marks in his underwear.

The worst thing about it was that whenever someone needed to make a business call, the client on the other end could sometimes hear random words like hooker and sh*t stain being screamed in the background. That was awkward.

Wow. Awkward seems a bit of an understatement. The husband seems like a real prize though. I can see why she stays with him *big fat eye roll*.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Holy Sh*t!

Kelly reports in:

I worked with a guy who would change his religion every month. Each month, he would become VERY vocal about his new adopted faith, and would try to recruit everyone at the office. While in each religious phase, he would adopt the traditions wholeheartedly. When he was Muslim for a month, he prayed to Mecca on the floor in a corner of the office. When he was Jewish, he freaked out about anything non-kosher brought in, which made lunch times difficult. Christian - he was crossing himself and mumbling the Lord's Prayer continuously. When Kabbalah became big with celebrities, he wore the red string and touted its praises. With Scientology he lectured us all about Xenu and Thetans (What? Who?). He was a turban-wearing Sikh. He would meditate when he was Buddhist. During his Hindu phase he ordered in Indian food every day for lunch (that seems a pretty lame way to worship, but I guess we ARE talking about someone who couldn't stick to one religion for more than 31 days...).

Surprisingly (not), he never converted anyone else, but oh how he tried!!

Let me know when he gets to Mormon*. I am interested to see how he will handle multiple wives. I know my husband seems to have enough trouble with one.

*Disclaimer: I know that most Mormons are not polygamous, only a small sect is. But I'm trying to be funny here, so let's just go with it, ok?

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

If I Knew You Were Coming I'd Have Baked a Cake...

Dana says:

I worked in a bakery. The owner, who did the majority of the baking, was the most disgusting and unhygienic man I have ever met. He tended to spit when he talked, and he talked ALOT while mixing the batter. I'm pretty sure he didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. He would scratch his head, ears, pick his nose and then use his bare hands to prepare stuff. He knew he was being gross, but he hated his job and just didn't care. I think it gave him perverse pleasure to know that people were eating his 'creations'.

The absolute worst thing he did was when a customer he didn't particularly like ordered a lemon cake, and he peed in the batter.

We were eventually shut down after a hepatitis outbreak.

At least he was smart enought to do it in a lemon cake where people wouldn't be alarmed by the yellowish tinge...

YUM - extra lemony!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Remember to Pick Up After Your.....Mail Carrier?!?

Short but sweet from Tony (ok, maybe not exactly sweet...):

I am a mail carrier. Ever wondered where we go when nature calls? Usually right in your backyard or driveway. And yes, even 'number two'.

Aw, but you're still number one with us, Tony! But just so you know, from now on I'll be picking up my mail at the Post Office.

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Little Southern Comfort

Stanley writes in:

We had a guy at work who spoke in a thick, Southern drawl. Sometimes so thick it was hard to understand him. He used y'all constantly, and would pepper his conversations with quaint little Southern sayings like 'Busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time' and 'Happy as a dead pig in the sunshine'.

Problem was, he was from New Jersey and had never lived anywhere else.

Well tie me to a pig and roll me in the mud! That's strange!

Now, why are you smilin’ like a goat in a briarpatch?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Urine for a Suprise!

Andrea's contribution is just nasty:

I worked for a cleaning service. We would be sent out to homes in pairs to clean, and whenever I wound up being paired with Martha she was always angry and had a grudge against whoever's house she was cleaning that day, didn't matter who. She was just constantly in a fury and miserable. Her way of making herself feel better was to do unspeakable things at these houses while cleaning - she used the same rag to first clean the toilets and then used it on kitchen surfaces, she used toothbrushes as cleaning implements and she licked people's utensils and then replaced them back in the drawer. She fed one family's dog something (she wouldn't tell me what is was) to make it sick hours later after we had left and have diarrhea all over the house. She peed in a cup and then poured it into one person's shampoo bottle. I didn't report her antics because she was the company owner's sister and I needed the job.

I would never, EVER let anyone clean my house but me after that.

Wow. That's so....unsanitary. But I wonder how the pee left the person's hair? Could be a new beauty product!

Or maybe not.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Seeing the World through White Colored Glasses

Craziness for Saturday from Eli:

We had a woman at work who was very high strung and stressed, otherwise she seemed normal. That is, until one day I saw her very meticulously painting her eyeglass lenses with White Out. She then put them on and started screaming hysterically that she had gone blind and couldn't see. Not joking at all, completely seriously. No one could talk sense to her or get close enough to even take the glasses off. An ambulance came for her. That was my last day of work there, so I never actually found out if she ever came back or not....

See all the great uses that White Out has that you've never even thought of? Handy stuff!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Hail to the Chief

Today's contributor is a biggie. We have a submission here by none other than President Obama (Of course I think it's really you, Sir, *snicker* not just someone trying to be amusing online. But on the miniscule off chance that the Leader of the Free World is actually reading this: )

We have a woman at work who does the "Walk of Shame" into the office on many mornings. She arrives wearing her clothes from the day before, with her hair kinda askew and looking slept on. I think her Happy Hours after work get out of control and she doesn't make it home on quite a few nights. Rumor has it she meets men while out and that's who she stays with during her drunken escapades. Unfortunately, she's married. Met him at the office Holiday Party and they seemed like the perfect couple. Wonder what the REAL story is here?

OOOOOOH, scandal at the White House? I'm sure THAT'S never happened before *more snickers*. I love the idea of a drunken, slutty cabinet member.

Why am I craving a Snickers right now?

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

We Heart the 80s

S.B. tells us...

We have a man at work who dresses totally 80's. Every. Single. Day. And I don't think he's being ironic or thinking the stuff should come back in style or anything; he's in his mid 40s and I just don't think he has updated his wardrobe in 20 years. Some of his favorite fashion wear includes: Miami Vice pastel jackets, neon skinny ties, parachute pants, black high top Reeboks, Top Gun style sunglasses and huge hair reminiscent of Bon Jovi circa 1987. On casual Fridays he breaks out his acid washed, super tight jeans and Van Halen concert jerseys.

He even has the Mork from Ork rainbow suspenders.

I imagine his wife must be all decked out in her legwarmers, fingerless lace gloves and flash dance shirts. It's like Halloween, everyday!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Bruce, Mike and Airplane Catching Devices

Ok, let's continue on from yesterday...

This guy also claimed to know Bruce Springsteen. He said he would always get front row tickets sent to him for concerts, and when Bruce would see him in the audience, he'd call him up on stage. Somehow, not one single person ever saw that actually occur, even people who are Bruce fanatics and don't miss a concert.

He's best buddies with Mike Tyson
(?!? - I can't see why anyone would want to be his bud, but whatever...) and Mike called him on his way to jail form his cab to ask this guy what he should do.

He safely crash landed a small plane not too long ago. Airport personnel supposedly helped him in by catching him in a net (again - ?!?). He was called a hero by all involved. This was pretty soon after the Hudson River landing by a real hero, Capt. Sully.

Well, I suppose if you HAVE to be friends with Mike Tyson, it's best if you wear ear protection. I mean, really, that man has an odd appetite.

Airplane catching nets coming soon to an airport near you!! Now everyone can feel safer flying.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dan Quayle, Cervixes and Jet Fighters

Angelo chimes in...

We had a liar guy at work that came up with some whoppers. I worked with this guy for YEARS, so I could go on for pages here, but I'll narrow it down to just a few.

He said he knew Dan Quayle (obviously this was during his vice presidency) the day after he took a vacation day he would come in saying he had spent the day before discussing policy with him at the White House.

Told everyone he once had brain cancer, and that's why he had scars on his bald head (most people thought it looked like unsuccessful hair replacement). Someone who knew a bit about cancer asked where it had started, since most brain cancers start elsewhere, and he said it had been 'cervical'.

He flew jet fighters on weekends to Afghanistan to fight in the war, while maintaing his Monday-Friday regular work week. He even bought one of those military watches that say Air Force on them that you can get from an ad in back of the TV guide, and told everyone the Air Force gifted him with that for his superior the way, he was a large man, so they would have had to butter him to squeeze him in a fighter jet.

Ok, there's more, but you'll all have to wait 'til tomorrow for it. I bet the suspense is killing you! Heh!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

How to Poop at Work

This has been around the email block a few times, but I still get a chuckle out of it. Especially Turd Burglar...

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Hi, Gene!

Ok, I am getting TONS of reports of one particular office habit. Instead of publishing every single one (especially since most are simple one liners), I am just going to make a general statement: APPARENTLY MEN DO NOT WASH THEIR HANDS AFTER USING THE RESTROOM. It seems to happen in all sorts of careers, from bankers to landscapers, to - most disturbingly - doctors and kitchen workers. *Shudder*

I once read the statistics on the male to female ration of handwashers, and I remember it was startling - something like 80% of females washed their hands after using the bathroom, but only 20% of men did (I'm too lazy to go look up the actual numbers, sorry). And when you think about it, women aren't even really touching anything other than toilet paper, yet they wash, while men (how shall I put this?) need to get a good 'grasp' on the situation. Makes you wanna shake some guy's hand, eh?

So for the good of all mankind (and womankind), let this be a sort of public service announcement (I admit to having the desire to leave out the b in public, but even I wouldn't go that far. Maybe.). Here it goes:


That is all.

Thanks to all for the submissions about lack of bathroom hygiene.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Holy Moly

Helen's got one:

I worked as a secretary at a church. There was a woman (rather attractive and young) who came to visit the priest almost daily, and they would disappear into his office for hours at a time. I was a bit suspicious, but tried to push that aside because of the whole celibacy thing. And the fact that the woman was married. Maybe she was just extremely troubled or something.

It was quite a suprise then (yeah, ok, not really) when he suddenly left the priesthood for her. Scandal, yes, suprise, no.

And then she dumped him anyway.

Did she ever visit him in the rectory? Or should I call it the Erectory? Damn, I crack myself up.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Would You Like Cream And Sugar With That?

Dan the Man says:

We had a woman at work who came back from maternity leave and she was still breastfeeding. Several times a day she pumped her breast milk into bottles. She actually stored these bottles in the office lunchroom refrigerator. That's kinda icky, but it gets worse. If you passed by her office while she was in the process of getting ready to pump (she would do this at her desk, with the door wide open) she would whip out her boob and try to squirt you. And she could squirt pretty damn far. She also offered her milk for people to use in their coffee and claimed she used it in hers everyday because its healthier.

Well, she IS handy when you run out of half and half. And I'd want her on my side if a squirt gun war ever broke out. She'd have double ammo.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Super Bowel

A short but sweet one from Ryan today (ok, seriously not sweet, but that is the saying ya know?):

We had an obese guy at work who must have used the bathroom to poop at least 5 times a work day. How did I know he was pooping in there and not visiting for other reasons? Well, he announced the quality of his bowel movements to everyone in the office after he returned from each trip. Runny, solid, coiled, straight, small, big - you name it. We dreaded the days after he had corn for dinner.

I guess he was one corny, nutty guy! Yeeech.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Pluck You

Andrea had a hairy situation...

We had this woman at work who had a chin hair issue. To resolve it, she would hang out in the bathroom a couple of times a day to stand at the mirror and tweeze them out. She didn't care who saw her. In fact, she'd ask people to check and see if she missed any. The yuckiest part was that she wouldn't clean up her plucked hairs and left them on the sink and counter.

Maybe you guys could pitch in for a gift certificate for electrolysis. Or at least a can of Nair.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Hey, Come Smell This!

Charles makes a bit of a stink about his coworker...

A guy at my previous job was obsessed with farting. He loved to fart really loudly whenever and his desk, in meetings, at lunch. He would laugh hysterically after he let one go, and would then say "Can ya smell it?" The absolute worst was the time he claimed to have had hot dogs and beans for dinner the night before, and sat at his desk all day just letting them rip - AND THEN ASKING OTHER PEOPLE TO SMELL THE SEAT OF HIS CHAIR!!

Oh. My. I think I may be speechless.

Nah, I've recovered. Hot dogs, anyone?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

What are you doing online on the Fourth of July? Get out there and barbecue, drink some beer, see some fireworks. But since you're here already, Jean writes in that...

We had this guy at work who was always dirty. His clothes were rumpled, his hair looked greasy, his face looked like it needed a good scrubbing. He smelled funky too, not like BO necessarily, but just kinda like.....dirt. We used to joke that he must be inhabited by bugs of some sort. Little did we know we were right...

One day when we were all seated around the conference table, dirty dude started itching behind his left ear. And kept at it. That was disgusting enough, but then...something falls off his ear and scuttles across the table. It was a hugely engorged tick (it had to be on him forever to get THAT filled with blood)and it was running amok on the table. People screamed and ran to the furthest corners of the room. Dirty dude seemed kinda unconcerned like this was not an unusual occurrence, and then slammed his fist down on the tick, killing it while his blood splattered on the table. He did clean up his own blood though, I will give him that.

Oh, well, I guess since he cleaned up his own blood, no biggie then (can you sense my sarcasm?).

Happy Independence Day everyone, enjoy and be safe!

Friday, July 3, 2009

'Name Withheld' had this crazy experience...

At my company, the boss of all bosses, the total top guy, had a Holiday Party at his house for his employees. And what a house!! A total mansion, it really gave us a look at what all our hard work did for him ;). Anyway, one of our coworkers got waaaay too wasted on Holiday Cheer (aka vodka tonics). The boss had a Christmas tree that reached the ceiling in their 2 story 'Great Room' where the party was held. It was decorated with hugely expensive and antique ornaments. Well drunk guy is just hnaging around, not doing much, when suddenly he takes off in a full run across the room and basically tackles the part of the tree he could reach. The tree fell over, hitting the wall, amid the shattering of precious ornaments. The boss's wife started to cry as drunk guy laughed maniacally. Someone escorted him out and called him a taxi.

He was fired soon after the New Year.

That's one way to express your displeasure at obnoxious displays of wealth!

Or maybe he's just an idiotic boozehound. That's more likely I guess.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Motivational Posters

Well, this isn't a story about crazy coworkers, but these posters made me laugh so I had to share...although I suppose printing them out and framing them on your office wall could make YOU the crazy one. That's a worthy goal, doncha think?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hey Kid! Got Somethin' To Tell Ya!

K.P. says....

We had a guy at work who used to scream obscenities at young kids waiting at bus stops from his car while driving to work. The way we found out about this was because one day he yelled profanities at a kid whose parent happened to be at the bus stop - and the parent worked with us and recognized him! Naturally, the cops were called.

Tourettes maybe?